Changing Over the Course of Deployment with Trinity Albertson

In this episode I am joined by Trinity, and trust me - this conversation will change your outlook on the process of deployment and reintegration!

We chat about the process of changing over deployment (and why that's okay!) and what it means to be two parents in the service.

Also don't miss the nifty poll on this episode via Spotify - Trinity would love to hear from you!

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Trinity Albertson is an expert and strategist in business administration and project management. She has spent most of her career working with healthcare organizations, small businesses and entrepreneurs, and professional service providers to create lucrative and sustainable organizations by transforming their delivery. As a veteran of the United States Army, and still serving as a spouse of an active-duty service member, she has experienced a journey of struggle to freedom, fulfillment, and joy.

Find her on Facebook: The Aspire Program

Find her on LinkedIn

Learn more: pathtoyoursolutions.com

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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Army Milspouse + Mentor. 

Grab your ✨free✨ deployment resource here: jaylarae.com/deploymentkit

Learn more: jaylarae.com

Let's chat! @mil.spouse

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Episode Transcription Below:

Hey there, Jayla Rae here. And today I am joined by Trinity Albertson. Trinity Albertson is an expert and strategists in business administration and project management. She has spent most of her career working with healthcare organizations, small businesses and entrepreneurs and professional service providers to create lucrative and sustainable organizations by transforming their delivery. As a veteran of the United States army and still serving as a spouse of an active, active duty service member. She has experienced a journey of struggle to freedom, fulfillment and joy. Jenny, thank you so much for being with me today.

Trinity Albertson (00:41):

Thank you so much for that great introduction, Jayla and it's great to be with you.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (00:45):

Absolutely. So I'd first love to hear just a little bit more about who you are. What is your current orientation to military life today, where you're located? How are you doing? Just tell me all the things.

Trinity Albertson (01:00):

Yeah, I love it. I'm doing really good. Doing really, really good. So I love that you invited me to be on this with you today. I can definitely get on my soap box about the military from my own service, and then from also being a spouse of an active duty service member. And I've got to tell you, even though that there are, there are situations that are quite the sacrifice to us, whether we are the service member or where the spouse or the kid or the family member and, and, and right, there are also so many benefits and good reasons that this lifestyle has provided. And, and I really can't get off my soap box really about it at all because army saved my life when I was 19 years old, I left for the army and it was the best decision that I ever made. And very shortly into my army career, I met my husband. So I have been with the same man that was 20 years old. And I did my four years. I was stationed overseas in South Korea during that. So that was the first deployment you could say, but not in the sandbox. Right. And it was an experience for us, you know, just even learning how to get through that year. Like how do you navigate through a brand new relationship long distance for a year?

Jayla Rae Ardelean (02:23):

I still don't know how any of us answer that question or begin to answer that question, but we did it somehow,

Trinity Albertson (02:31):

Right? I know my husband, he was actually in like fast forward quite a bit, but my husband was actually overseas for a whole year, this past year. And especially during COVID and you know, I've got kids at home. So we had our own challenges, especially when the kids go back and forth from school to home. Right. That was a whole new thing I had to navigate through. But I got asked that question all the time, Jayla, he just got back in the beginning of September and the whole time, you know, I hear things like bless heart or, you know, thank you for the sacrifice or thank you for your service. And while it's my honor, to be able to serve our country in this manner, whether it was my own, like I said, service, or just supporting my husband to be out there. It is hard. And it didn't matter how many times, like you said, people ask, how do you do it? How do you get through a year without seeing the love of your life? I don't know, one day at a time. Yeah.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (03:27):

I mean, that's where I'm at right now. I'm in, I just passed the four month mark. Yay, hallelujah. And yeah, it is literally just one day at a time. Sometimes it's one week at a time because they go by faster. But I will tell you right now that it feels like a day by day process.

Trinity Albertson (03:46):

Yes. Well, I'm glad to hear that. You're now past the four month mark. I have to say any time that my husband and I have gone any length of time apart. Right. Cause sometimes he's gone for six weeks. You're like, that was just a break. It was nice to miss you, you know? And then sometimes he's gone for 90 days. Sometimes it's nine months. Sometimes it's a year, sometimes it's 15, 18 months. Right. Like you really never know going through it. But I do want to say that, that first little bit of it, regardless of the length of time, so that first week, or that first three, four months is so hard, so hard. And then that last little bit of it is so hard. Right, right.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (04:27):

Yeah. I'm already picturing it. I'm already, I'm already picturing that last home stretch being even more difficult than these first four months event, but for a different reason,

Trinity Albertson (04:38):

Completely different reason. Right. There's light at the end of the tunnel. And you're looking forward to bringing your partner home and starting your family again. And you know, the, the middle part there, when you have a rhythm. Right. And you're like, okay, I can do the house cleaning and the grocery shopping and the picking up and dropping off the kids and I can still work and have my business as an entrepreneur. And I can do all these things. Actually. There's a part of it that feels really empowering. Right. But it is just a little bit, right. And we got married because we wanted to spend the rest of our life with somebody not go to bed alone every night. So it's kind of picking and choosing your battles each day as you get through one of these, these deployments.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (05:21):

Oh yeah. Picking and choosing your battles. Oh goodness. So we could, we could go on about that, but I do want to know a little bit more about your, your personal history with deployment as well. So did I get this right? That you met your husband early on in your career with the army, but you were in for four years, was that did you know each other while you were deployed or that was after? Okay. Yup.

Trinity Albertson (05:48):

So I literally met my husband in AIT. So I got out of basic training. I went to job training. My job training was a year long. I was a biomedical equipment technician. So you're, you're in job training for a very long time. And I met my husband probably about six, seven months into job training. So he was prior service infantry had spent the first, you know, two and a half, three years of his career overseas, whether he was deployed or in Germany. And he was actually say aside for a very short amount of time. And so he realized very quickly, right? When he hit his first four years, if I'm going to stay in, I needed a different job. Or if I want to get out, I want to actually benefit from the education and the opportunities that the military does provide so that I can get out with a better job. So either way, he was like better job. So he reclassed to be a biomedical equipment technician as the same time I was coming in. So we had prior service with the initial initial entry. This is so long ago that I'm not afraid to talk about it now, but that is a no-no while you're going through school,

Jayla Rae Ardelean (06:57):

I was going to find a delicate way to ask. So, so this sounds like..

Trinity Albertson (07:05):

Yes,

Jayla Rae Ardelean (07:05):

But also I've not known or met anybody in this field either. So I'm just fascinated by what you're saying. Cause all of this, these training tracks and what you're talking about feels like completely new information to me, which is a reminder that there are so many unique experiences in the military and it's hard to like take a one size fits all approach to those who enlist or to those who become officer status or whatever it is because there's so there's so many different variants out there of what you can choose to do

Trinity Albertson (07:37):

There. So is, I'm glad that you brought that up. You know, I just met somebody the other day. He was a military brat. His whole life has his dad did like 23 or 25 years in the service. I forget if it was air force or army, but what's unique about his story as a military brat is that he was in the same place for all 20 something years. That doesn't happen, usually active duty in the same place. So other than like the dads couple of deployments, the one thing that he said to me and he's like, I can talk to you about being a military brat and being, you know, what's the military lifestyle they long, he said with the exception of, I don't know what it's like to move every two or three years. I have no idea. Cause they were fortunate enough to stay in one place. So that just goes to say, everybody's journey or experience is so different. Doesn't matter what branch you're in. Doesn't matter what job you have. Doesn't matter if you're enlisted or if you're officer everybody's path looks so different.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (08:38):

Yeah. And I think too, it's it's also the, like your own life circumstances that are thrown on top of that, that make your experience with the military so different. Like whether that's your specific education track or non-education track or whether you chose to have kids young or later, or you are entering a blended family situation, which is what I did, which is not everybody. And you know, like all of these life circumstances also tend to color your experience with the military, which is just another level of making it unique to each person or to each couple in your case. Yeah.

Trinity Albertson (09:15):

And you nailed it. It's what's going on in your life. You know, back in the day when I went overseas, my husband and I were together, but we weren't married yet. And we obviously didn't have children yet. So it was easy because I was still, I had this one mind track of being a single soldier. Right. So I'm living in the barracks and all I have to do is pay for me. So I've got a roof over my head. I've got food in my stomach, whether I want to go to the DFAC or, you know, I've got money to go buy food and put it in my barracks room, you know, I've got all those things. So it was actually easier. Believe it or not, even though you're thinking, okay, but wait a minute, new relationship here, you guys are engaged. You're starting your life together.

Trinity Albertson (09:57):

You know, how would that not be devastating at a very new couple? Well, it was, but I really do think Jayla. It was the fact that we were both in the service. That's the reason that we got through it. It would have been a completely different experience for me if I was left at home as just a, a, you know, a civilian. Right. But because we were both in the service, we were like, no, we're, we're committed to each other. Like we know what we have to do to get through this, but then you fast forward. Right. And you look at all of the other deployments that we went through. There was another one when my kids were little, that one was super easy for me. And you'd think again, little kids, how was that easy for you? And now I was the civilian and I was left at home. How was that easy for you? But for some reason that one was too, the hardest one was the one that we just got through. And that's a combination of all kinds of things that you mentioned. I'm in my doctorate, I own a business. I've got kids that are, you know, one's a preteen, which is a nightmare on its own. Add COVID. Yeah. So that was tough.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (11:11):

Right? Yeah. So it's those life circumstances, like throw it on top of the military experience plus a pandemic, which is like everybody's plus one right now that totally changes everything. Oh my gosh. Well, I kind of wanted to ask you a question and I, this maybe I won't ask, well, okay. I was going to ask you, like, what do you think was, I don't know if easier is really the right term, but because you've experienced this from both ends and also you have that unique aspect where you were already with your husband, but you were both in the service and so deployment and like, oh my gosh, that's so much. Right. but what would you prefer? Would you prefer to be the one left at home or would you prefer to be the one who has sort of left? And I don't mean left in a negative way. I just mean that like literally someone leaves your physical space and you do kind of feel left. Like...

Trinity Albertson (12:13):

Yeah, that's such a great question. So my answer to that question has changed quite a few times. When I first got out and I gotta tell ya, like it was leaving my child for the first time, that was the reason that I got out in the first place. Mommy had one week away from baby and that was all it took. I said never again. Right? Not never, again, like I never, you know, working, you know, I work now I have to travel for work. But it was the fact that I knew that I had to put together a file, this thick called a Family Care Plan. And when both people are active duty you pretty much in a packet in a folder, have everything already ready to go, your power of attorneys, your, your bank drafts, your, you know, all the different information on your kids, your family, your will like all these different things ready to go. So at a moment's notice, I can literally hand someone, my child and hand them this folder and they have everything they need. I just got a full body chill. It was putting that together. It was knowing that they will deploy both parents at the same time. That was enough for me to say, no, it was easy to separate.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (13:30):

Have you known anybody who has had like who's in a relationship and they've both been deployed at the same time with children? Oh my goodness.

Trinity Albertson (13:39):

Yes. Now the people that I know have been fortunate enough that their overlap was like 90 days or less. It wasn't like the whole year surprise kids. Your parents are gone. Right. You know? And then what about those families that like, like my dad's dead, my mom left when I was little, you know, who, who was I going to send my kid to? You know? So you have to think about those things too. Sometimes this is a stranger, not really, obviously, cause you're giving them your kid, but they're not like a direct blood relation. Right. And you're, you're trusting that they're going to take your child and take care of them the way that you would have taken care of them for however long you're gone. That's a really hard decision to make. So when I first got out it was very easy for me to say, you know, you go, you go right.

Trinity Albertson (14:27):

But then after, you know, a little over a decade of following my husband around and then plus the last couple of years that we've really gotten stable. My answer for the longest time Jayla was that it was easier to be the service member. Not the spouse have walked in both shoes. I thought it was, you send me, I will go, I will do my job. I will send home what I need to take care of. Right. But then you have that other piece of it, which is why I did my four years and got out. And that's what could I really not kiss my children to bed every night for a year? Could I really miss out on their growth? Like when my husband left this last time, my son was at that prime age where he was growing, growing, growing. He grew six to eight inches in a year, like that had to have done something to my husband to come home and go, oh my gosh, that's not the little kid I left, you know?

Jayla Rae Ardelean (15:21):

Yeah. Oh my goodness. And so this kind of brings in a gender dynamic as well, because for you, like, as a woman, as a mother, that is a hard, "no", that's not something that you're going to do, but your husband is still in that situation where he, he does have to do that. And that's like a part of his job and it's a "yes" for him. Right. So, yeah. So how do you, I I've always, I, I like to talk about females who've served and how they view gender roles and dynamics in the military, especially when it comes to being parents and having like that additional layer in your lives. And I don't know if you wanted to say anything about that, but I just find this conversation really fascinating because you seem so so strong and confident in your answer. And I would almost expect you to not want to admit that and to say, to be like, you know what, I, it's really hard for me to say, but like, as a mother, I couldn't do it. I just, I didn't want to do it. I couldn't do it. And then, you know, needing to feel like guilty for that for whatever reason. So I don't know if you have any like comments or anything, but this is, this is not where I thought this conversation was going to go, but here we are.

Trinity Albertson (16:42):

Well, and again, spot on. And you know, everybody's going to have a different opinion on this and that is so okay. I'm in the business with people are meeting people where they're at, right? So there's no judgment here. So please take my response for what it's worth. Now, as much as we know that sex roles or gender roles are still in existence, they are still very relevant, even in the socio-economical economical day and age that we are in. I'm the first girl to say, if you're going ruckin' and I'm going to, in fact, I'm going to carry way more weight. Now I'm going to get up this mountain faster than you. Right. So I was always one of those. I was always very good at being a soldier right place, right time, right. Uniform, right. Attitude. Let's go. And I knew that if I would have made a career out of it, sorry, honey, but I'm going to say this. I would have surpassed my husband in his career with so much love and respect for what he does. I'm clearly a very competitive, right?

Jayla Rae Ardelean (17:45):

No...

Trinity Albertson (17:47):

But I do. I feel like I would've had this great career. And so regardless of how much I wanted to be in the trenches with them, that those gender roles, right. There was something that came over me. Like I, it, I think it happened when I had a child though, too. I don't think that it was there before I actually had a child.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (18:06):

Oh yeah. No. And that's what I'm suggesting, is that something shifted when you became a parent,

Trinity Albertson (18:13):

It did it did, because before that, I didn't have a problem saying goodbye to people. I didn't have a problem going to my next duty assignment, taking my orders and doing what I was told to do. It was when I had that child that I ever, everything in me, you know, just changed. And I'm still a very career driven woman. Right. I'm an entrepreneur. Like I said, I'm in my doctorate, I've run several businesses. I love what I do. I enjoy working. I really do. I'm that mom, that I still work till seven, eight o'clock at night, some nights. But there's still something about the stability about being home, knowing that if my husband goes, at least I'm the one saying, goodnight prayers. I'm the one that's making breakfast, making sure that he's not eating like candy, you know, I'm the one that's, you know, there to take care of them and do their homework. I'm the one that's there to coordinate with the teachers through COVID when they had an issue, you know, and they were going back and forth between being in school and being at home. So there really is something about that, that it did a change. It changed me completely.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (19:20):

Oh, I'm going to try not to cry because I thought it was just so I, that was so beautiful to hear you say that and to stand firmly in it and to not back down from what I just suggested to that, there was like, there was literally a biological shift within you that things just changed. And now, and I'm, I'm so glad and I already knew this about you, but I'm so glad to hear that you're still a career driven person and being ambitious is still very important to you. You've just sort of transferred that to a different, a different work life and not something where, you know, you could leave for extended periods of time, whether that be for training, you know, TDY deployments, et cetera.

Trinity Albertson (20:03):

Yeah. Or worse, right.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (20:05):

Worse or worse. Exactly. Oh my goodness. Well, that was amazing to hear. So I've been asking this question of everybody and I know that it's going to produce different results depending on what you do in your work as an entrepreneur. But I, I really believe that one of the most powerful things that we can do is give permission to others, like permission to feel, permission to rest. Sometimes we do that by simply sharing our story. Sometimes we do it more literally with like tips and tricks. And sometimes it's more of maybe a conversation like this, where Trinity didn't say exactly, like I give you permission mom, service member to hang your hat. But like, that's kind of what that's kind of what happened in this conversation at the same time. So I'd love to hear what piece of permission you'd like to give other military spouses as it directly relates to deployment.

Trinity Albertson (21:08):

Yeah. Thank you for that. You know, we, we get so caught up in, in, it's kind of like a self identity, right? I'm a wife, I'm a mother. That doesn't mean that I can't still be a student, a business owner, a friend, somebody who likes to go out and do different things with other people. Right. And so the biggest thing, Jayla, of course, you're going to hear it from probably everybody: lean on your support system when your significant other is gone for any length of time, friends. It doesn't matter if it's two weeks, that's tough, especially if you haven't done it before. And especially for your inner rhythm where you really lean and rely on each other all day, you know, I cleaned the house, he does the grocery shopping. Okay. Now I gotta figure that part out. Right. You know, thank God they deliver groceries now. So I don't know how--

Jayla Rae Ardelean (22:01):

I was going to say, Just get it delivered.

Trinity Albertson (22:07):

But you know, not only is it, you know, lean on your support and ask for help, but in regards to giving permission, I had to give myself permission. And especially during reintegration, I want to talk about that. Cause reintegration was the hardest part of all of it, right. People change a lot in a year. And I had to give myself permission and have these conversations with my husband to give him permission that it's okay, that we are two different people. It's okay that we have two different hobbies or pastimes it's okay. That we have different aspirations, different careers, different goals, different drives. And just because you came home, doesn't mean that I have to now acquiesce to whoever I was a year ago when you left. Right. Because I'm still going to my networking meeting on Thursday night to go see my women. Right.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (23:04):

Specific example right there. I'm still going to my damn networking meeting. Thank you very much.

Trinity Albertson (23:12):

Yes, I am going. Right. So there were all those things because when you first came home, like I am a completely different person than I was when he left a year ago. I mean, just work alone. I got like three years worth of work done in one year. You know, like there's, there's so much that changes. But then when he came home, I found myself not wanting to go to these meetings because I felt guilty. Maybe that like, I owed him my time. Right. If that makes sense.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (23:40):

Oh, yes. I'm just calling myself out right now because I know that I'm going to struggle with this. I'm going to feel like I owe him my time because we lost time. Oh gosh,

Trinity Albertson (23:57):

You've been, you know, the times, you know, we've got WhatsApp and we've got Facebook messenger and we've got ways that we can video call. Our first deployment. We didn't have any of that. It was scheduled to be on Skype at this time, pray for really good internet. And that you're both available or else this isn't going to happen this week. Right. Very, very, very different atmospheres and environments and the tools and resources that we had to get through it. But there were also times while he was gone, that I would, you know, he'd call me on WhatsApp and I'd be like, I'm sorry, I'm not available right now. And I think those ones killed me some days, right? Like I was sick and tired of telling my husband, sorry, I'm choosing something else. But when it all comes down to it, that's the bigger picture. It's okay to be two different people. It's okay to have two different interests. And it's okay for you to continue whatever you, the foundation that you built while your significant other is gone, when they return, you just got to communicate who you are and what you need from them.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (25:02):

Amazing. Did everybody write this down because I am going to need this provider at Trinity. I'm going to reach out to you during reintegration. I'm to be like, I'm going to need you to repeat everything that you said to me before, because I'm going to need this. I know I'm going to need this. I am 100% going to be that person who feels like I owe him my time. And you're right. The technology aspect has changed so drastically. So this is my first deployment. It'll probably be my only deployment. And I'm also he's been deployed before in a former marriage. And like, those deployments were like combat deployments, very, very different than what he's doing now. And the landscape of that is completely different. And I recognize that. So I feel like I have a ton of blessings and privilege that I am able to text him.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (25:54):

I'm like, what? This is. I recognize how crazy that is, because it didn't always used to be that way. But even today, even today, I'm looking at my phone and I'm like, oh my gosh, nine messages - Is something wrong? Something must be wrong. There's nine messages. I dropped everything that I was doing. I work from home. I okay. I work from home. So I have like a little bit more flexibility. I'm not like at an office where somebody is like watching my every move or anything like that. But I opened up and no, there's no emergency. He's talking about having just finished a show on Netflix and how he's like in despair that it's over. But he, because he was in such despair, he couldn't combine those nine sentences into one message. He just sent them as like nine messages. And I laughed. I was like, I thought that this was an emergency, like, no. Oh my goodness. Like calm down.

Trinity Albertson (26:57):

And that's the other thing too. Like when you don't hear from your service member for a couple of days, don't jump to conclusions. Don't make assumptions. You don't know what's going on over there. It could be as simple as the, we just don't have internet. Right. And, and, and I know that that's less of a reason these days, because the whole world is on,

Jayla Rae Ardelean (27:14):

No, it's still a reason for him. Sometimes, sometimes he's internet. I mean, he has like a puck to kind of like boost his internet. And sometimes it goes out and he doesn't even know that it's gone out and it's like 48 hours before I hear something. And his kids are waiting to talk to him too. So then, you know, their mom is texting me, like, is everything okay? And I'm like, everything's fine. I'm sure he just lost wifi. And hasn't realized it yet.

Trinity Albertson (27:41):

Like how many times do they have to work late? I couldn't tell you how many times when my husband was gone this last time, he'd have to go to bed at like eight o'clock his time, seven o'clock his time, which there was like a 16 hour time difference. Because he had to be at work at two o'clock in the morning.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (28:00):

No, that's impossible.

Trinity Albertson (28:03):

You just, you just never know, you know, you really never know. And, and you know, as far as one thing, I just want to make sure I, I point to, because this was something that I felt like I struggled with for a little bit of time is as much as I tried to give myself permission and grace to it's okay that I'm a different person. It's okay. That, you know, I have a different schedule. It's okay. That I have different interests. Right? You want to encourage your service member to go do those things too. Honey, go find a hobby, honey, go make a friend, honey, what else can you do over there? And the, the thing that I want to make sure is so clear, there's a big difference between empowering and encouraging your service member to go try to do these things so that they don't lose their mind. Remember they're the ones that are over there by themselves, and they cannot control a thing that happens at home. There's a very big difference between encouraging and empowering...And pushing away. Right. So just, just keep that in mind. And for anybody that's watching this, that's giving yourself permission to lead a different life. Yes. And you're also married. Yes. And you also wanted to do this life thing together, so yes. And still find things that you can do together while you're giving yourself permission to be different.

Jayla Rae Ardelean (29:22):

Oh, that's beautiful. I love that so much. Thank you, Trinity. Well, I'd love for you to tell the people where they can connect with you online, learn more about you. I don't know if you're into like DM-ing people. I am. If you're into that, tell them where they can find you.

Trinity Albertson (29:41):

Thank you for that. So I am a self-mastery business approach. You can find pathtoyoursolutions.com. I've also, I'm the creator and founder of an entrepreneurial training and development program called the Aspire programs. You can also find me on the Aspire Program that com I'm on Facebook, Trinity Albertson,

Trinity Albertson (30:00):

I'm on LinkedIn, Trinity Albertson. I'm pretty easy to find, and I love to connect with new people. I really am here just to serve. I just want to hear other people's story. You know, we it's this whole world this whole, like how do we do life thing. With each other. So I want to hear from you.

Jayla Rae Ardelean

Amazing. Well, thank you so much for being with me today and we'll kind of wrap this up, but for anybody out there who is listening to this, there is likely a poll on this episode on Spotify. So be sure to interact. And Trinity is going to be taking a look at that afterwards. All right, everybody have a great rest of your week and I'll see you soon. Bye.

Trinity Albertson

Thank you!