The Pit of Deployment: Month 3

Apparently Month 3 of deployment is referred to as "the pit", and for good reason. In this episode we talk about the worst comment I've received so far regarding deployment, and why it's important to even share it here [hint: mental health].

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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Army Milspouse + Mentor. 

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Episode Transcription Below:

(00:02):

Hey there. Okay. so we are back on The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast. It's been about a month since the last episode dropped and what a month it has been. I am now back home in Texas. I've been back home for two weeks now. In the last episode I was talking about needing to go to Utah, to be with family because my grandma passed away, what that meant for the current grief cycle. I was already experiencing with my stepdad and now my grandma, and then, you know, my husband's not here because he's deployed. And in these last two weeks since I've been home, because I've been by myself a lot has started coming up for me. And I'm just doing my best to manage the huge variable emotions that are coming through at any given time, at any day. I am definitely experiencing situational depression.

(01:15):

And I knew that within the first month of the deployment, I knew before the deployment even started, that I would have a propensity for that. But I thought the first month was bad. And as it turns out, that was easier than experiencing the third month. And I'm not really one to, let's say, be a part of a Facebook group, throw up a post in a Facebook group and request either a) attention or b) support from other people. But just a few days ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed the support of strangers because asking for more support from the people I know, and that I'm currently connected to felt very uncomfortable to me because I have been leaning on a lot of different people. So I was like, you know what, I'm just going to post in this Facebook group. I'm going to see if people have insight or wisdom to share knowing full well that I probably couldn't process it at the time that they would comment back.

(02:36):

And that was true. I couldn't, I posted and ghosted and I read people's comments and they didn't even respond to them until like two or three days later. So that's the thing. But anyway, so I posted in this Facebook group and basically the overwhelming response from that in saying, I am not doing well. I thought the first month was really hard as it turns out, the third month is even harder. And I just want this to be over. I can't imagine nine more months of this, of feeling this way. And realistically, I know I won't feel this exact same way for the rest of these nine months, but when you're so deep into that feeling, it, it just, it seems like it's never going to end. It doesn't actually feel temporary. It feels 100% permanent. So a lot of the comments that I received back were, you know, other spouses who had experienced a year long deployment, or even a nine month long deployment, those like longer term deployments.

(03:42):

And they, they just, they commented back and they let me know, month three is a pit. It's just a pit. There's no other way to describe it. It feels like you were in a pit and you're either attempting to claw your way out of the pit, or you're fine with just hanging out in the pit until you feel better. So that was actually really comforting to hear. So if you yourself are in month three of a deployment, for example, or month one of a deployment, and you feel like you were in a pit, just know that it is a normal part of the experience. And I think it really helps to say that out loud and to describe it that way, because then when it starts happening to you, there's less shock. There's less surprise about what you're going through. And if there's less shock and surprise, acceptance comes quicker.

(04:51):

And in order to move fully, move through emotions as they're coming, there needs to be a layer of acceptance that they're happening in the first place. And that is really hard to do if you're shocked and surprised by what you're currently feeling. So that's something to consider it's, it's worth noting in my personal experience. And then sharing that here on the podcast, just to normalize it even further. Also this week, and this was, I think this is the day after I posted in that Facebook group. I had my neighbor come over and this is a neighbor, you know, I've lived in this house for two years. Now, this neighbor I've seen maybe three times in those two years, very strange interactions prior to this. So it's not like I was expecting a cozy, warm hug or anything. But she came over and she's an older, older woman.

(05:55):

And she said, Hey, I just wanted to check on you to see how everything is going, which sounds like a positive start to the conversation. It sounds like she's actually checking on me. So I let her know. Well I'm actually going through a really hard time right now. And she was like, yeah. So I have noticed that, you know, I haven't seen your husband around his truck is always in the driveway. I just, you know, I, I wanted to come over sooner, but I didn't want to receive any bad news. And I was like, okay, she's like, so I actually stopped at your neighbor's house. The woman who lives right next to me, who I do have a fabulous relationship with. She stopped over there first to basically gossip and ask questions about what is going on with Jayla. What information can I glean from you neighbor first, before I go over there myself and ask a bunch of questions.

(06:53):

So she's relaying this fact that she had already been over there and now she's coming over here and this other neighbor had let her know that Jeremy is currently deployed. So then this filled in a lot of blinks for her because she's like, oh, that makes so much sense. I haven't seen his truck move. I haven't seen him. Okay. That makes so much more sense than the alternative. And she never said it out loud, but essentially what she was saying in the in-between spaces of this conversation was that she thought my husband had died and she didn't want to come over and receive that news. And what is so irritating about that is she, first of all, made it about herself and then secondly, receiving bad news, like it's worse to receive that news than to be the person who is going through the thing you assumed is happening.

(07:49):

Oh my gosh. My mind was just boggled during this conversation. And I also need you to know that I was in sweats. I was in a tank top. I had been wearing for about 48 hours. I was super sweaty. My hair was an oily mess. No makeup on which isn't like an abnormal thing for me. I don't wear makeup every single day, but I looked really trashy. Like I looked like I was having a hard time. So when I say out loud, I'm having a hard time, you know, I start crying and she, you know, I I've had my hand over my face. I'm trying to like get it together because she is not the person to be crying too, but it just all spilled out. So I just couldn't really control it. And she put her hand on my shoulder and she was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And then I let her know. I was like, well, the reason why my vehicle had been gone for a month was because my grandma died. And I was out of state with my family during that time. And

(08:55):

She was just like, oh my goodness. And instead of offering compassion for the fact that I just experienced a death on top of my husband being deployed, which she thinks there's only one, she thinks this is the only one we hadn't even talked about. My stepdad who died earlier this year, like right before my husband was deployed. So that didn't even come up and I don't even need to tell her, instead of offering compassion for the death in the family, I had just experienced, she then moves on to say all of these observations she's made in the last five weeks and how she just knew that something was wrong. Something was off, but she didn't want to come over and ask. And so she's been talking to her son who lives with her, her son about how, you know, oh, I'm just so worried about her.

(09:42):

I'm just so worried about her. I hope nothing bad has happened, which is just so weird to be on the receiving end because I don't actually know this person. I know her first name. I don't know her last name. This is only maybe the fourth interaction I've ever had with her. And she doesn't actually care about me. It's just like the town gossip. So then she proceeds to tell me that she's talked to all of the neighbors on the street, you know, wondering like, well, I'm, I wonder what's going on with her. I wonder if she's okay, et cetera. So now I'm realizing that like the entire street of this neighborhood, oops, that was a timer. Now I'm realizing like the entire street of this neighborhood has has been talking about me, essentially wondering what's what's been going on. Is everything okay? And I don't know a lot of people on this street.

(10:39):

I know, I know one person really well. She's fantastic. Shout out to my neighbor, Vickie, I love you could not be doing last year or this year without you. So anyway, I, then I'm realizing in this conversation, oh my gosh, everybody has been talking about me. That's great. I hate that. I also don't want anyone in this neighborhood to actually know that he is deployed because that to us is a security risk. If you say such and such husband is not home for the next year, that could get into the hands of the wrong person who could try to take advantage of that situation. So I even feel uncomfortable revealing to her. Well, here's a reason why his truck is in the driveway when you haven't seen him is because he's not here. And then she's asking questions like, oh, where is he?

(11:31):

And then she wants to go off on this tangent about Afghanistan, which has nothing to do with my husband and his deployment. But I understand the military connection. I understand why she would want to talk about for that, like about that for a moment, but it was annoying. And then she's like, well, if you just want to come over and you know, drink wine or watch TV, like you can come over any time, like I'm home and you know, blah, blah, blah. And in my mind, I'm thinking there is no way I'm coming over to your house lady. This is not happening. This is not ever going to be a thing. If we were going to be friends, it would have happened two years ago and it's not going to start now this, these are all the things that I'm thinking and I'm trying not to show it on my face.

(12:14):

I do not have a good poker face. Not only is my heart on my sleeve, but like people can tell what's going on in my mind from my facial expression. So I'm just trying to hold it together. And then she puts the cherry on top. And this cherry on top was posted on Instagram because the reason I put it on Instagram is because I know that I am not the only person who has heard comments like this directed toward military spouses in particular, for whatever experience they're currently going through. That is like a cornerstone experience of military life. And yet people don't know how to comfort those who are going through these things because they're so, they're so out of bounds for these people. And they're just like communicators to begin with basically is what it boils down to. So she puts her hand on my arm and she says, try to be happy.

(13:13):

Okay. And it took everything in me to not lose my crap on this woman. I just smiled. And I nodded and I was like, yup. Okay. I will try. Like, what are you, what are you even, how are you even supposed to respond to someone who is clearly witnessing your situational depression, inaction, you look like you're depressed. You're saying that you're not doing well. You're letting people know the circumstances of your life right now. And then they come back with, try to be happy, just try to be happy. And what I really wanted to say was, oh, okay. So what I've been doing this whole time for the last three months, doesn't count for anything in actually trying to be happy or trying to get through this and telling somebody who is in that like depressive state, or even if it's like survival mode or whatever, to just be the opposite of what they currently are, is one of the most harmful things that you could actually say to somebody in that state.

(14:31):

What if I wasn't situationally depressed? What if I have clinical depression? What if like, there are so many things that could just completely backfire when you talk to people that way. So sorry, I got heated and really passionate just now, but I'm bringing this up because I put this on Instagram. I put this on my stories and it was just, you know, these brief little quips of this interaction that I put, and I got a flood of responses, probably one of the most quote unquote popular Instagram story sequences that I've ever done, because I had so many of you, lovely military spouses reaching out to me and saying that is bull crap. I cannot believe that she said that to you. And I've had something similar happened to me. So I know that this is a part of the experience that we're going to go through.

(15:34):

We're going to have those people who don't know how to comfort those in need, and it could be like, it could be like, they don't know how to comfort you because they've never been through this before, but I'm going to bet too, that those people also have a really hard time comforting anyone through any situation. And I wanted to read a one per, well, maybe I'll read a few, I'm going to read these anonymously. These were people who reached out to me on Instagram, based on this story who had a lot of really great wisdom and insight to share about, you know, this situation that I went through and then something similar that they had been through as well. And one lovely human said some people's insecurities show themselves in that form. That's, what's so ironic about it. When people say that they might be uncomfortable and insecure, so they genuinely don't know how to be compassionate.

(16:32):

And then she said, just making it, like she said, I'm not making excuses. I'm just analyzing which I, 100% agree and see that, that this is not me. This is not a me thing. This is like a her thing. Right. I also had another spouse reach out and say in times like those, when you're having a really hard time with like deployment in particular she said that her own father, which I, 100% relate to her own father said, well, this is what you signed up for. You know, it's that like really common Quip of like, you can't possibly be upset, angry, grief stricken or anything in between. And like the entire wheel of all of these, like negative really hell like really heavy emotions. You don't have any validation and feeling those because you signed up for this lifestyle, right. And this is not the first time that we've heard this, but in relation to deployments specifically, my dad has said the same thing.

(17:41):

And you know, all that does is it just proves to me that I cannot talk to him in these kinds of situations for these like cornerstone minister, military life experiences, because that's the response I'm going to get in return. And it was the same thing for this lovely human that reached out to me with those, with those comments was like, well, this is what you signed up for. So just deal with it. Essentially. I also had a lot of people comment back that they were, I mean, first of all, a lot of you were like, so, so supportive and letting me know that you're here for me and that you love me and that you're sorry that that happened. And I really, really appreciate it. So thank you to those who were just offering a little bit of love. Some of which were not military spouses, just people that I know through work or friends and happened to see this story.

(18:37):

So yeah. And then there were a couple of you who were just, you know, incomplete, incomplete shock, essentially on behalf of me that someone would say that. And what I realized, what I realized after I posted this story is that I posted it on mental health awareness day and someone was not able to support someone who's having mental health struggles right now. So the, the irony and the accuracy that woven into all of that just kind of made me chuckle. Yeah. Okay. And then there were a few other things that people had said on the Facebook posts that I put inside of this group in particular that really struck me and one of them was, and it, this is I'll just be really honest when I first read this, it was really annoying and I didn't want to receive it.

(19:39):

So even though I'm gonna repeat it here on this podcast, if your first reaction to it is actually annoyance, just know, it just means you're not ready to hear it yet. And I, there is no, there is nothing wrong with that. And there is nothing wrong with you for not being able to receive it at the time that you're hearing it. It's just one of those things that might stick in your head and come up for you at a later time. And then it could be useful. It could not be useful. But one of the things that one military spouse shared with me was there's a lot of talk about, you know, counting down the days, the weeks, the months, which can be useful and can be a great tool, but on the flip side of that, when you are in survival mode or when you are in a depressive state, and it seems as though you're never going to make it out thinking in broad strokes, like days, weeks, and months actually compounds and makes you feel worse.

(20:46):

So flipping that and thinking moment to moment can actually help. I'm getting all cringey just saying that out loud, because I still don't want to receive what that person said, but if I'm immediately rejecting something that someone said, it's usually because I that's the thing that I do need to hear. I'm just not, I'm just not ready yet. So I'm sharing that here because since I made that post on in the Facebook group, and then since I had this conversation with my neighbor and this is also post post a few days and we're literally at the three month mark today. So a lot has happened in the last week. But now that, now that I'm here, I'm looking back on the last few days and I'm like, what is it that got me through those last few days when I really didn't think that I was going to be able to do those like successfully or to have fun or to feel good again or anything.

(21:53):

And it was thinking moment to moment. So there is something to that. Yesterday I went to brunch with a friend. It wasn't supposed to start as brunch. It, she was just supposed to come over for a few hours to hang out, but she's like, Hey, if we're going to go eat, like, you know, maybe we should go to brunch. And I was like, okay. And then the day progressed from there from moment to moment, I didn't plan anything. I didn't place expectations on myself. And I kind of had that luxury. This was on a Sunday. I kind of had the luxury to do whatever I wanted that day. And I just let things flow. And I just allowed myself to be moment to moment. And yes, I did have a really serious conversation with her about how I'm not doing very well.

(22:48):

What can I do to better support myself? What tools do I need to pull out of my toolbox right now to get me through this really tough time, et cetera, those were still conversations that were had, but it wasn't. It was, it was almost from a place of being slightly removed because my surroundings were different. The environment in which I was having that conversation was not my day to day environment. And I think there's something to that. I think there is something to that. If I have that same conversation inside my house, which is where I am holed up and experiencing all of these symptoms situational depression, having that conversation inside my house is very, very different than having that conversation out in public with a friend. There's just, there's a little bit of removal there that actually supports and buoys you. So there's something to that.

(23:44):

There, something to shaking it up and doing, doing the thing. Did brunch sound like fun at the time? She said she wanted to go. It did not. And I'll tell you after this pandemic which is still, which is still happening, but obviously there are like restaurants and things that are open and are taking safety, precautions, et cetera. After this pandemic, if someone said to me, do you want to go to brunch? Do you want to go to lunch? Do you want to go to dinner? Do you want to have a meal outside of the house at all? I would be stoked to do that. But when she asked, well, do you want to go have brunch it's news? I was like, yeah, like there was just something in me that was just really hesitant about doing it in the first place.

(24:33):

And I said, yes, we did it. And it was wonderful. It's absolutely what I needed. I didn't really want to leave the comfort of my own home, even though the comfort of my own home is also working against me right now. And not being able to like fully move through my feelings and kind of move on to other things in my day. But that was really helpful. So there's something there's something to that. If what, for whatever it's worth. I just thought I would share that, that getting out of the house, doing something you haven't done in a long time, whatever it is. And, and talking about what you're currently going through from a different place is, was really helpful. Maybe that's kind of a dove thing. You're like, well, yeah, obviously it helped, but it's just worth mentioning. It's worth mentioning.

(25:24):

Okay. Well, I think that's all I really wanted to talk about today was just, Hey, this is, this is what's currently happening. This is what month three is has felt like I am super happy that the third, like month three, hello. Hi, October 11th. Here we are. We, we made it through three months. Thank goodness. Now we have the holiday season coming up and I know that time tends to go at warp speed. Especially once Halloween hits Halloween on you look back in January and you're like, oh my gosh, how did those two months just like fly by? So I know that time is going to start to move a little bit quicker, which I'm kind of excited for. I'm kind of excited to experience that. So that everything doesn't feel like it's moving at a glacial pace all the time days feel incredibly long right now.

(26:20):

So I'm excited for things to move a little bit faster. I also have some travel coming up in the next couple months with family for the holidays. And then I'm also taking a work trip to Portugal which I'm really stoked for. And because I am not really feeling fully like myself, it does feel overwhelming. It does feel like, oh my gosh, can I really accomplish this travel right now? But at the same time, I know that again, it's gonna like switch up my environment and make, make time, move a little bit quicker, so excited for those things to come up. And yeah. There's also a couple really cool tools that anchor who is the platform I use to produce this podcast has been introducing. And I'd love to incorporate those a little bit more so beyond the lookout for that there may be like Q and A's or polls in upcoming episodes so that we can feel like this is a little bit more of a conversation rather than me just kind of like speaking into a microphone and talking for 30 minutes, which obviously I love doing, and I have no qualms doing so, but I'd love to hear more, more feedback from you as I go through.

(27:38):

All right, thanks so much for listening. Please rate and review. When you have a moment, it really does help get this podcast into the hands of those who need it. And if you're not able to do that, share it with someone who is currently going through a deployment or just needs a little bit more personal growth support in their life as a military spouse right now. Love you guys. Bye.