How to Approach Traumatic Events During Deployment

In this episode I give an overview of what's been going on lately since my grandma passed away. I include some feedback I received on Instagram in preparation for this episode, and then we wrap up with one tip that I have--and there's only one because that's all I'm able to really give or provide at this time. I'm not a trauma-informed coach. I'm just a human going through a really hard time with a constellation of traumas compounding on one another.

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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Army Milspouse + Mentor. 

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Episode Transcription Below:

(00:02):

Hey there, Jayla Rae here coming to you from my well, what I refer to as my second home state, the great state of Utah. This is where my family lives. I've been here for almost two weeks now and I drove out here because unfortunately my grandma passed away and I was actually already planning to be here for a few weeks in the month of September. But her health was declining very rapidly. And so I left about four days earlier than I normally would have. And that was me driving from Texas all the way to Utah, which is something I've done. But it's something I've done with a partner. I have not done that solo before. It's about an 18 hour drive and it took me two days and, oh my gosh, it was a lot, but let me back up.

(01:15):

So first I kind of want to give an overview of what's going on lately. Then I want to hop into some feedback I got over on Instagram in preparation for this episode, and then we'll end with one tip that I have, and there's only one because that's all I'm able to really give or provide at this time. And so the title of this is how to approach traumatic events during deployment. And I want to note that I'm not a trauma informed coach. I'm just a human going through a really hard time with a constellation of traumas compounding on one another. I'm experiencing family deaths and one that was completely unexpected, which was traumatic AF. And as I'm sure, you know, grieving is a very heavy process. So I just wanted to say all of that right off the bat. So in terms of driving out here to Utah unfortunately I felt as though I needed to rush in order to make it here on time, it was really clear that my grandma was not going to make it for very much longer.

(02:35):

She's been on hospice care for she had been on hospice care for a few months and things just took a turn. So I got a call from my mom that it wasn't looking good. And the nurses had said any day now. And luckily I have such an amazing, wonderful support system at work that I was able to receive that phone call and then leave my home within 12 hours of that phone call in order to begin my drive out here to Utah. And I've done some solo long distance driving before. But I think the max I've ever done was 11 hours alone. And that has been at least probably like 10 years ago. And I know that part of military life is actually long distance driving, especially if you're PCsing or you're going to visit family, whatever the situation may be, but normally it's me and my husband doing it together.

(03:41):

So the fact that I had to do it alone I was very nervous to do that. But a hundred percent I knew that I had to, I had to at least try to get here in time to say goodbye to her and I did make it. I arrived on the second day of driving kind of later in the evening where my family had already been gathering for the day, kind of expecting her to pass that day. Anyway I made it to her bedside and I was able to hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her and everything I needed to say. And that was pretty amazing. And then she died the next afternoon. And I had a couple of family members joke that she was probably just hanging on because she knew that I was coming and that I wanted to say goodbye to her.

(04:37):

And then I was driving there, which I don't know if it's actually true because she was completely incapacitated. I have no idea if she heard anything that I said or could hear anything that anyone was saying. She was in really, really bad condition for about 11 days before she actually passed. So and this unfortunately is just a few months after my stepdad passed away from a heart attack earlier this year. And he was definitely, it feels as though he was taken from us, it was, it was very unexpected and my grandma's death was, was expected in a way. But experiencing those two things back to back has not only been hard for me, but especially for my family. And this is my mom's mom. So my mom has not only experienced the death of her husband this year, but also the death of her, of her mom.

(05:49):

So this is an extremely difficult time right now. And not having Jeremy, my husband here to be a regular support system is probably the most difficult aspect of it. I have needed to find other people to vent or talk through things in real time with, and then when I like share it with him later, it's almost just like an update. It's not really processing through the emotions in the present tense. It's like, you know, letting him know later this happened, it's been over for like eight hours now, but I'm just giving you the updates. And it's just such a surreal thing to not have your partner there with you. Like they normally are, I guess that kind of sounds like so obvious to say that when your spouse is deployed, but knowing that that's a reality and then experiencing that reality are kind of two different things.

(07:01):

And whether or not you've heard previous episodes before I'll, I'll let you know that, like we found out that he was going to deploy and then what was it? Seven or 10 days later, my stepdad died, which was incredibly unfortunate timing. And so while we were preparing for him to deploy, I was grieving the loss of my stepdad and it became very clear to me that I would have to do most of that grieving alone because he was leaving soon. And then with my grandma dying and him not being here this is just a lot, I don't know what else to say. It's just a lot. And it's feeling like one thing after another, in 2021. And I I'm finding myself sinking into, you know, kind of a poor me attitude, but the reality is is that this year has not been wonderful and much of it has been hard.

(08:08):

And do I have a lot to be grateful for hallways, but I'm not going to gaslight myself and invalidate my own emotions, which are very strong and very prominent right now. And I think the only emotion that I have not fully allowed myself to feel yet is anger. And that's always been a really tough emotion for me to witness in other people and to also experience myself. So I know that there is a wide array of things coming my way. And this is going to be a process that's going to last for a very long time. I would just like it if 2021 could kind of like slow down a little bit, because obviously I'm telling you about what's going on personally in my life. And this doesn't include the trauma of a pandemic that we are all collectively still experiencing.

(09:14):

It doesn't include Afghanistan. It doesn't, it doesn't include all of these other global or national events that are occurring that also weigh heavily on us. So I really do feel like it's just a constellation of, of traumas right now inside of too large of a galaxy for one person to be managing at this time. But there's really no choice. Obviously I'm here, it's happening and I have to do my best. Okay. So let's transition into some feedback I got on Instagram. And I know that people who submitted these and I'm going to keep them non anonymous. But if you're listening to this, thank you so much for submitting your thoughts because they were very, very helpful. So one said, you know, just under the context of how to approach traumatic events during deployment. One comment was that when your husband says that he wakes up every day, mad about everything like routine and work.

(10:25):

And when I read this, I, I felt like I immediately understood it because it's such a strange, and I'm just gonna go off of what I think this means, because I think this could be interpreted a few different ways. So what I think this means is deployment is already incredibly difficult. You're already experiencing your own range of emotions related to that. And then when your spouse tells you that they're waking up mad about everything every day and work in their routine and whatever they have going on, you know, with their own schedule inside of their own deployment, that just makes everything feel worse. It feels, it can feel as though there isn't really a way out of that. Because you are attempting to support your spouse from so far away. And you're missing that physicality of showing that person that you love and care for them.

(11:32):

And that, you know, that goes, that goes both ways too. Obviously your spouse is not fully able to support and care for you in a physical space when you're also going through your own hard time. And, and I know for me that when, when my husband, Jeremy is having a really hard day at work, whether it's during this deployment or not I feel that for him, I have so much empathy for him when he goes through that. And because I think, I think what happens is because you know, that their role in the military is going to last for a long time. It's hard to feel like there is a solution to those kinds of problems because really those kinds of problems come up at every duty station, like at every assignment at every turn. They're just like disguise differently.

(12:42):

I guess you could say they're like the same, some of the same challenges. But they repeat themselves over and over again. And that can be extremely challenging to witness and to support someone through. So I don't know that I have like a tip for you necessarily. But it sounds as though, you know, you're, you're just doing your best to try to support him through that. And I hope that he's doing his best to support you through the loss of having him around. So anyway, okay. And then someone else I know submitted, I think it's important to note that the deployment itself can be trauma if not emoted through, and then anything on top of that can just be a tailspin. And this is so true because that's basically what I just described to you guys. I'm having like my own personal life traumas that have nothing to do with military life.

(13:50):

But because my husband is deployed, it feels like everything feels like a tailspin. It feels as though nothing is really letting up or slowing down. There's not really a brake pedal on anything right now. It just feels like I am like moving way too fast down a hill, and I have no control over the speed whatsoever. And what I wanted to point out here was that yes, deployment itself can be a trauma if you're not, if you're not processing it as it's happening, if you're not allowing those emotions to kind of flow through you and happen, if you are suppressing everything for example, and you're not allowing yourself to feel it that's only going to cause more problems later. Right. but yeah, experiencing a deployment depending on those circumstances can be very traumatic in itself. So just wanted to validate that.

(14:55):

And then my best friend just wanted to remind me that to share my honest experience and to not force a lesson if I don't have one yet. And I'm only sharing that with you guys because I've, I've shared with her over and over again, what I hope this podcast will do for military spouses in that it's more like an unfinished manuscript and there isn't always a pretty bow tied around what's currently happening. Or there, there isn't like a pretty bow to kind of as like a lesson, for example, sometimes there isn't like a lesson, a tip or a trick or a walkaway thing. It's just, here's what it is. And hopefully sharing some of those experiences just helps you to feel a little bit less alone and a little bit less, like you're the only one going through this right now.

(16:04):

So thank you to my best friend. And she also said, you're allowed to grieve, even though your partner is doing something hard for your family. And I love that she pointed this out and reminded me of it because experiencing and deployment is a grieving process in of itself. And that doesn't include grief in terms of loss by way of death. It's lost by way of like the deployment, obviously, because that person is no longer physically around you, all of your communication tactics have to change. It feels like your entire relationship is changing and it's sort of out of your control and it's just something you need to manage and work through the best that you can. But you are allowed to grieve the fact that they are not around anymore. And if you haven't like caught on for like the first few episodes of this podcast, that's absolutely what I'm working through right now.

(17:13):

I'm not only grieving the loss of certain family members, but I'm grieving the loss of the fact that Jeremy is not here and it feels completely disorienting. So thank you so much for submitting those comments on Instagram. And I'd really like to do more of this as I record more episodes just to hear, hear personally from you guys. And I will always tell you when I want to keep things anonymous so that you don't feel like you are sharing anything too to private that you would not appreciate being put out there. So I think I'll do that for future episodes as well. So keep an eye out on Instagram for those sticker boxes as I prepare. Okay. So I do have one tip on how to approach traumatic events during a deployment, and it's going to sound really, really basic, but it's an incredibly important question to ask yourself.

(18:20):

So what you really need to ask yourself is what can I let go of right now? What can I drop and pick back up at a later time and put another way, what can I deprioritize? And I know that releasing these things can be so, so difficult because a part of you really does want to forge on, but you have to remember to keep the long-term in perspective. And the reality is, is that placing a few things on hold, won't have the negative impact you imagine it will. I think we kind of spin out a little bit. Sometimes we, we get like major case of FOMO or we assume that the person on the other end that we're rescheduling with won't understand, or, you know, some people actually, one of the ways that they handle, although I don't know that I would argue that it's handling.

(19:26):

But one way some people handle grief or loss or traumatic events is to actually work more. And if you're not that person, but you know that there are people out there in our society, especially Americans, like who work hard despite experiencing really heavy times in their life, it can feel like there is pressure for you to do that also. And I want you to know that that is a pressure that you're placing on yourself and you're not going to get very far. If you don't process what is happening at the time that it's occurring or at least soon after that. And I want to say too, that like the number of programs and interviews and guest trainings and general life appointments I've had to reschedule or put off altogether as a result of two deaths in my family this year has frustrated me so deeply, but I know that ultimately they are things that can wait, I have to, and you have to prioritize your emotional and mental health. And that's the one thing that helps is just asking yourself, what can I deprioritize right now? What is not as important? What can I put off

(20:48):

Until a later time? And recognizing that those things will still be there waiting for you. And those things will still be there waiting for me to luckily the, the people that I need to reschedule things with are just so kind humans and so super understanding. And I feel like that is most people when they hear you are going through a really hard time for XYZ reason, and you just can't dedicate the time and full focus to that event or whatever it is at that time. And you're just honest about it. Usually whoever is receiving that will be understanding. And if you're really worried about this one, one thing you could do is say, Hey, I need to deprioritize right this right now for XYZ reason, I plan to return to this one week from now two weeks from now, three weeks from now, if you want to, you know, give like a time estimate with it, to make yourself feel better.

(21:56):

And like, you know, that the other person knows what to expect. Then by all means do that. I didn't do that. I just emailed a bunch of people. And I said, Hey, listen, this is what's going on. I will reach back out to you once my schedule returns to normal. And everybody was just, you know, heart emojis all the way and sending me all the love and completely understanding. So if you are one of those people, thank you so much. And you're listening to this. Thank you again so much for understanding. Okay. So I think we're just gonna wrap up kind of leave it be as is for right now. And hopefully I can come back and record another episode while I'm here in Utah. If not, then you'll hear from me when I get back home to Texas and my schedule has returned a little bit to normal. But yeah, thanks so much for tuning in. And if you'd like to leave a rating and review on the podcast on apple podcasts specifically, just know that it helps this podcast reach the hands of the people who really, really need it. And I would so appreciate it. Bye now.