Deployment: One Month Down, 11 to Go 🎉

In Week 4 of deployment I talk about not taking proper care of myself, and it all catching up to me. How isolating myself from others was doing more damage, and how I got myself out of the hole.

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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Army Milspouse + Mentor. 

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Episode Transcription Below:

(00:01):

Hey there, Jayla Rae here. Thanks so much that if you are still tuning into the deployment series, if this is the first episode you're listening to, you might want to go back. You might want to go back to the beginning. Um, because in this episode I'm going to cover what week four has been like, and some of it may feel a little out of place to you if you're not caught up. Um, so this past week was, was pretty shaky. And in hindsight it kind of felt like one of the longest weeks of my life. And I know I said that about week one, but week four was

(00:48):

Also one of the longest weeks of my life. Um, and a lot of that had to do with the fact that I was barely sleeping. So I was just up for more time in the day, throughout the week. So things just felt like they were creeping by. Um, and I, I know that the week did end with my coworker and friend showing up super late on Friday night from Oklahoma on a total win. And she could hear how lonely was feeling and how badly I needed some socialization. So she kind of sprung on a fairly priced flight and came out to see me. Um, but the week did not get started so great. Um, my circumstantial depression yeah. Was at an all time high this past week. I wasn't taking proper care of my, I wasn't eating. Right. I wasn't drinking hardly any water. I was getting more and more dehydrated.

(02:00):

I delayed showering and washing my hair, which is something I resist doing when I'm feeling super off and not like myself. Um, and the house was a complete disaster and I just wanted the deployment to be over. Um, I also had like a really big mood swing. Um, I think Monday or Tuesday, I was feeling really good about everything. I was like, oh, I've hacked this. And then I swung down, um, really, really low promptly after that. So it's a lot going on. Um, work was also pretty intense, but it was, it was more intense because I was refusing to do the things that would make me feel better. So all of life was feeling impossible. And I don't, I don't think it's realistic to say that we take really good care of ourselves all of the time. I think it's more realistic to say that we go through these it's in these periods where we're not taking such great care of ourselves.

(03:14):

And we kind of know the indicators leading up to that, or at least we can see them after it's over. Um, so anyway, weekend was totally amazing. So Lindsey and me went to the farmer's market and we swam in my pool and we attempted to make a fire in my previously unused fire pit and were completely unsuccessful. It was pretty funny. Um, we got our toes done and we had lunch at whole foods, which brought an inordinate amount of joy to my psyche, to my wellbeing, to my body because I was eating like salad with vegetables.

(03:59):

I can literally feel my body soaking up all of the nutrients and then screaming at me and saying, why don't you give us more of this? So, the week ended really, really good, but one of the things that led to Lindsey even coming out over the weekend, um, was that on Thursday, I believe it was, um, I was texting my husband and I told him I wasn't doing very well. And he said, you need to hang out. Yeah. With friends this weekend, like what are they up to make some plans? And I gave him a bunch of excuses for like, oh, this, this person is doing this and busy with that. And like, this person is out of here. And, um, you know, I don't want to bother this other person. And it was all just because I was resisting the things that I knew would bring me happiness again. Um, and that's kind of what feeling a deep sadness is. Like for me, I know what will make me feel bad at, or, um, but I feel all in capable of doing it.

(05:12):

I feel incapable of devoting energy to doing it. Um, I was also just feeling a lot of resistance around being around people, because I knew how poorly I was doing. And I didn't want to bring anybody down. And this is 100% a universal feeling. And if you're listening to this and you're in, in that position, or you have been in that position before, I swear to you, whoever it is that you are resisting, spending time with, for fear that you are being a Debbie downer, that your problems are too big and that person will be annoyed or won't want to listen to you or won't call you back or what the hell ever. It is 90% of the time. It is not true. They want to be there for you. You just have to let them do it. And you have to be the one to reach out. Sometimes you have to be the one to say, Hey, I'm not doing really well. Would you mind grabbing coffee? Would you mind coming over or can we schedule it or something this week to meet up so I can talk.

(06:26):

I really pride myself on being able to ask for help when I need it. And yet, um, there's always more work to do. And I was resisting asking for help in this situation. And my husband saw that and he recognized it. And even though at the time he told me like, you need to hang out with people and that needs to be your priority this week and not anything else. Um, even though I was very annoyed hearing that in hindsight, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Um, I have a few medical and health problems happening right now, and I don't really have any answers or resolutions necessarily. Um, and hearing from the doctor this past week, there are no resolutions and that I record acquire more tests and things, um, was definitely contributing to me, not yet wanting to hang out with people because I knew that's what was on my mind.

(07:29):

And I didn't want to just unload all of those problems onto someone in addition to the deployment, in addition to work, being really intense right now, just all of it. Um, so I had a group great weekend. It's so wonderful that Lindsay came out in the first place. Um, she recognized that in me, she is a former military spouse and has experienced deployments, um, a long time ago, but she knows, she knows what that's like. And also she's just such an amazing friend. So I'm really grateful that she just came out here. My goodness, she hopped on a plane and she got here and we had such a good time. Um, and then on Sunday night, instead of continuing to resist, hanging out with people, because I was so worried to being a Debbie downer, I made plans with my neighbor or to go for a walk on Monday morning before work.

(08:28):

And even though our conversation was quite heavy, it felt like I had lifted myself out of a fog even more just to take that walk, first of all, just to get outside. Um, and secondly, to socialize with another human being and third, just to have a moment to kind of breathe through it in a different way to bring like some physicality to the conversation. Um, I think that really helps because it was, as I was talking about what's happening with the deployment, I was walking, it was moving through me. There was an energy that was releasing and it wasn't just a heaviness that was kind of sticking in the air above me. Um, or however, you know, that feels for you or however you would describe that. So I think I will do that again. Um, and it started my week off wonderfully to, to begin my week with a walk, doing something physical, connecting with another human who cares about my wellbeing. I just don't think you can undervalue that. So that is

(09:43):

My like tip basically, for this, this past week. So do the thing, socialize a bit, even if you feel like you may be dumping your problems onto someone else. I mean, you'd be surprised how much others want to care for you if you allow them to, if you let them. Okay. So I'm here in just a few days from now, we will have experienced one month, uh, in this deployment. And I don't know how I feel about this because I've been waiting for this benchmark to come. And I am not sure if it will feel relieving or if it will just feel overwhelming that there are like 11 more of these to do. But I also want to recognize that it's, it's pretty obvious that like the first month is, is one of the hardest, and it's not that every month thereafter, isn't also hard. I think the challenges that come in the first month all happen at once, or at least they did for me. Um, there was no pace. There was no life

(11:04):

Let's figure things out, you know, over a trickled amount of time. It was just all at the same time. It was like we were having communication issues. We were, um, not really like taking the time to connect or at least I wasn't taking the time to connect because I was feeling like a Debbie downer all the time. Um, you know, his circumstances were, uh, pretty intense just having gotten there and just beginning his role. Um, and yeah, it's just been, I mean, I've had like several emergencies at this point. Um, in an earlier episode, I go over one of those emergencies, which still embarrassed as the crap out of me, but, uh, I've had a couple more emergencies since then. So happens. You guys, it definitely happens the first month. Uh, and I don't know if there's really a way to prepare for it. Um, other than to say, it's probably going to happen.

(12:06):

You just may not know what it is. And then when it does happen, it's a little bit relieving. It's like, oh, okay, it's happened now I can, I can move forward. I can problem solve. I can handle this, but it's that suspense of waiting for something to happen soon after they leave. That is a little unnerving. So once it happens, it happens. All right. Well, I think I'm going to wrap up for this week. Uh, if you are listening to the series and questions have come up for you, I would love to chat with you. Um, you can comment on my website below these episodes if you'd like to, or reach out to me on Instagram at mill dot spouse, because I am pretty active in my DMS. And I'd love to chat with you if there's a particular struggle that you're currently going through regarding deployment, or you have gone through before, or maybe you have a deployment coming up in the next, in the next couple of months in the next cycle.

(13:13):

Um, and you are wanting to be proactive in preparation in preparing for that experience. Please let me know. Don't feel like you're bothering me by reaching out or that it's weird because we would never talked before. Cause I would just so love to connect with you. Um, and don't forget to also follow the show and leave a review because not only do I want this series, this deployment series to succeed, but I would love for this podcast to succeed in general, once I branch out and discuss other topics. And one of the reasons, or one of the ways that podcasts succeed is based on reviews, based on that online validation of some sort that someone out there in the world is actually listening. So please consider leaving a review and thank you so much. I appreciate you listening and I'll see you back here, uh, on the next episode