T-Minus 3 Days Until Deployment

Only 3 days from deployment and I'm kind of a wreck. I talk though our couples trip to Austin, and the push-pull dynamic I've been experiencing in our remaining time together.

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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Army Milspouse + Mentor. 

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Episode Transcription Below:

(00:04):

Hey there. So we are T-minus three days from the day that Jeremy deploys, he's gonna hop on a plane. Luckily I think I get to take him to the airport. And we're just soaking up the remainder of the time that we have left with each other. But there are a few things I've noticed about what I am emotionally available for at this time. And I don't know if everybody can relate to this, but sometimes it's easier to manage our emotions when we start pushing that person away before they actually leave before they are actually gone. And I've noticed I'm doing a little bit of that. Of course, I don't notice it until after it's already happened. But I have this sense that engaging in deeper intimacy feels like I might just break down and cry as a result of that.

(01:28):

And I don't just mean physical intimacy. I mean emotional intimacy as well. And it's clear to me that Jeremy is really taking more time and effort to make space for that right now. And I deeply appreciate it. And also I'm not feeling available for it, which is weird. Right. Because knowing that he's about to leave for a year, you think that you'd take every opportunity to be and feel that close to them. But sometimes that's just not how it shakes out. It's not what our response is. I think right now, what, I'm, what I'm trying to remind myself of is that not only have I never done a deployment before we've had, we've had separations but those could not be classified as a deployment. What I'm reminding myself of is that, you know, first of all, I've never done a deployment, so I'm not sure how I'm going to feel throughout this process.

(02:48):

I mean, I can take, I can take a guess, but allowing myself to feel something differently than what I pictured is giving myself grace at this time. I didn't really expect to be the one who is already pulling away a little bit in order to feel a little bit less pain over the fact that he's going to be gone for so long. But I guess that's the way it is. And I'm not as long as it's not detrimental to your relationship, or it's not like a repeated pattern, I'm just going to take it for what it is. And just sink into the fact that if this is my response to this, then that's okay. And if you relate to this at all, I would say that it's okay that you feel that way too. If you've experienced multiple deployments or multiple temporary separations, like one to three months, or even, you know, six to nine months or something or maybe it was just a few weeks and then he would come back or then be gone for a few more weeks if you have experienced this and you understand the push pull that I'm talking about, I'd love to talk with you further about it.

(04:28):

I wonder if there's a term for this that I'm unaware of. I guess we could just call it pushing and pulling, but I just wonder, I just wonder if this is, this is a common thing. If this is sort of a defense mechanism in a way, maybe it's just a coping mechanism. But that's where I'm at. And I also wanted to give a little bit of a recap for the last few weeks as we have been preparing for this deployment, we did have the kids with us for a big portion of that. And that was really challenging. It was really important for him to spend as much quality time as he could with them. And thank goodness he got about two weeks of leave to do that. I still had to work during that time, but I think they, they really did get the quality time that they needed, but I was also struggling to remain in the present moment with them myself, because I just kept thinking, you know, this is the last time they're going to do this thing for a while.

(05:51):

This is the last time they're going to do this other thing for probably a year. And I don't know if that is occurring to them or not. I don't know what else they need. I'm not sure specifically what they're going to need support with in the next year from me as a step parent but I'm 100% willing and open to support them in any way. It was just trying to predict the future while the present moment was playing out. And while thinking about the future is a great little distraction from the present moment. And it's a challenge to come back to the present moment and it takes self-awareness to know when you're doing that. It can be really challenging to stop. You can be really challenging to bring yourself back to center and I think that's normal and I think that's okay.

(06:56):

And I wouldn't want anyone to think that they should beat themselves up over that. It's, it's normal to, to feel as though this might be the last time for a while. And then to get sad about the fact that it's the last thing for a while, instead of just being happy in the moment that it's, that it's occurring in the first place, that's a pretty normal human reaction, especially for those who are much more comfortable expressing their emotions. I'm definitely in that camp. I heard recently that you're not supposed to express your emotions to your service member right before they leave, especially at the time that they're literally leaving and hopping, hopping on a plane or heading out. And first of all, I think that's. I think there's a way to still express how you're feeling without making that service member feel guilty for having those emotions in the first place.

(08:08):

I think it's okay to let them know when you're feeling sad about them leaving and to let them know when you're feeling frustrated about the preparation process, it's okay to have all of those things. It doesn't make you ungrateful or vindictive for expressing that. It just means that you're human. It means that your brain has reasoned and has said, you know, I knew this was coming. We agreed to do this and it's here, but then your heart hasn't quite caught up. It's still hoping that things might not be real and that this is a fluke and maybe tomorrow you'll kind of wake up and think, oh, maybe that was a dream or maybe you know, it doesn't really need to happen. And that's okay. That's where all of that emotion is coming from. And it's okay. That those two, that your head and your heart are contradicting one another.

(09:21):

I don't, I don't think it would be, I don't think it would be realistic if that weren't happening. It makes sense to me that that's what's happening, that they are not in alignment and they can be in alignment later. Maybe they'll come in alignment later, but for right now in this period of preparation and right before they are leaving, they're not in alignment. And I think that's fine. Yeah, so I was just recapping the last couple of weeks being with the kids actually were able to take a couples trip. We're currently located in San Antonio and we were able to go to Austin together for over 4th of July weekend which was a treat for us because we had wanted to spend more time in Austin and actually had a weekend planned there the week that the world kind of started to shut down for the pandemic.

(10:23):

So we obviously canceled that. And we've been there for, you know, an afternoon or here and did a hike outside of Austin, but it was the first time we got to stay a couple nights and really settle in and have a good time. And we did have a good time. And also I was kind of a mess. We had our moments of really amazing intimate moments of expressing how much we love each other and how much we're going to miss each other. And it was important that we did that. And also it was heart-wrenching and I couldn't quite remain in the present moment again. And I really appreciated my husband's ability to recognize that and to ask me, is there something that you need to say, is there something that you need to express? Like, what is it that you're holding onto that we can release a little bit so that we can get back to enjoying ourselves and having a great time and that really stung to here in the moment.

(11:41):

But I appreciated it so deeply because I needed to be called out a little bit. I needed him to recognize that I was very much in my head. I wasn't in the present. I was, you know, and it's something that I'm always reminding him to do. He's such a future oriented thinker that I'm often the one saying, Hey, let's ground back here a little bit. Let's get back into what we're currently doing and not what we're going to do 30 minutes from now or what we're going to do tomorrow. So I appreciated that. He recognized that I was in that space, that it was my turn to be in that space and I needed the reminder. So once we had that conversation and we kind of got to the root of the way I was feeling we were able to move on, we were able to release it and then have a good time for the rest of the day.

(12:39):

And had I been unwilling to express that or to say what I needed to say? It just would have been a really hard day the entire day, not just for a few hours. It would've just been a bad day all around. And then I would have felt even more guilty for being on this trip together and ruining an entire day. Because I was unwilling to talk about what was coming up for me at that time. And the thoughts that I was having at that time were more centered on the fact that we knew about the deployment. We were starting to prepare for it. And then about 10 days, it was definitely less than two weeks later. My stepdad passed away very suddenly. And the way I was feeling in Austin was that I agreed to a deployment under different pretenses.

(13:51):

I didn't agree to a deployment while I was grieving, it happened very fast. So it was feeling a little bit of remorse over that. It was kind of like buyer's remorse. It was like, yeah, we, you know, we we had the luxury in this case to, to to have a little bit more control over this deployment than your average deployment. And I recognize that that was a true blessing. And so it really was an agreement. It really was. We talked about it, we talked about it some more, and then we talked about it some more and then came to the conclusion that yes, this would be this would be something that we would enter into. And again, I agree to it before my stepdad died. And then once he died, all I could think about was how now I have to grieve alone and how this is actually the wrong time to, for him to deploy.

(15:11):

And I felt really guilty for having those feelings in the first place. And I didn't want him to feel guilty for leaving when I know that this is out of his control now. And it was out of all of our control that my stepdad passed away. But it felt good to just finally say that out loud. And then we discussed it and we talked about it and then we were able to move on. And I hope that if you're in that situation too, that if there's something you're hanging on to saying, and you're not sure how your spouse is going to receive it. I mean, I hope that you have a spouse who is willing to receive how you feel without taking it so deeply personally and understanding that these are very complex emotions that are layered on top of each other.

(16:05):

There's a lot of nuance here. And I expect that that would come with any deployment with any like preparation for a deployment, with any, you know, while you're actually in the deployment. So I hope that you have a partner who's willing to listen to you and to hear you out and to understand that it's natural and it's normal for you to be feeling those things. And there's no reason why it needs to make, you know, the service member feel guilty or feel bad for hearing that from you. Yeah, so that's kind of a recap of the last few weeks, and as well as, you know, the countdown of where I currently am, I am yeah. Three days away from sending him off, sending him away. And I presently am not looking forward to being by myself. Normally I'm a very independent person.

(17:13):

I love having alone time. I need alone time. I need time to figure things out for myself. And I am feeling like the opposite version of myself at this time. I'm feeling like someone who needs and requires a lot more from my spouse than normal which is unfortunate because he is about to leave. And he, his ability to provide those things to me is going to be essentially cut in half. So I'm feeling a little bit nervous about being by myself and how I'm going to feel and how I am going to manage my emotions without having the ability to verbally process with my partner all the time. I am a verbal processor, so I'm just going to need to dig into the community of military spouses that I do have. I have several friends here, thank goodness. And, and kind of utilize them as a sounding board when things are getting really hard and, and not always expecting to be able to do that with my husband, especially because of, you know, schedules and time zones.

(18:29):

And finding out that his internet strength is going to be really crappy. So we have a lot to navigate in terms of communication. So that's it, but that's how things are going right now. Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. And I hope that hearing a little bit about my story and how I'm feeling approaching this deployment gives you permission to feel some of the same things. And if we are on completely opposite pages hopefully this just sheds light on a different perspective for you as a military spouse, if you are not military affiliated and listening to this, to this series or to this podcast. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. It's really important that civilian families hear the experiences of military families and understand how many and what types of sacrifices we are making from a compassionate and empathetic place. So thanks for being here, if that's you alright. Well, hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and we'll be back soon.