Live Enneagram Typing Session With Manda Lynn McVey
.💁🏻♀️ Welcome to an episode that is the first of its kind! Join a brave milspouse (and friend of mine), Manda Lynn McVey during a live Enneagram Typing Session!
Together we addressed:
How can two Enneagram types feel like a fit?
What’s the difference between leading with your gut and following your heart?
Through a series of questions and vulnerable shares, we were able to:
Narrow down to her Enneagram type (huzzah!)
Make meaning of her lifelong attunement to her gut center, and how it has informed her decisions, reactions, etc.
It was SO GOOD (swear I’m not biased!).
I guided Manda Lynn in bringing what was subconscious to the surface, and you get to be a fly on the wall!
**Episode TW** Suicidal ideations, trauma
➡️ BOOK YOUR OWN ENNEAGRAM TYPING SESSION AT JAYLARAE.COM/TYPE
➡️ OR COME HANG OUT ON MY EMAIL LIST BY SNAGGING A GIFT FOR YOUR ENNEAGRAM TYPE AT JAYLARAE.COM/ENNEAGRAM-GUIDE
Meet Manda Lynn ❤️
Manda Lynn is Armed Forces Insurance 2022 Fort Polk Spouse of the Year, Founder & COO of Healitary Spouse, LLC, a Spouse Master Resilience Trainer, Holistic Wellness Practitioner, Behaviour Change Specialist, Fitness Nutrition Educator, and Yoga & Meditation instructor with a background in both the medical and culinary industries with over 3,000 volunteer hours under her belt leading military spouses to reconnect with their intuition in order to achieve overall wellness and resilience through a variety of modalities.
A native of Colorado, Manda lived a rather nomadic lifestyle prior to becoming a military spouse making her an extremely resourceful person she finds joy from sharing resources with fellow military spouses, creating art, and reading pretty much anything you can consider to be a book.
Learn about Manda Lynn's services on Sofia Health: https://sofiahealth.com/shop/manda-lynn-mcvey/
Send Manda Lynn a DM on Instagram to say hi!
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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Milspouse, Mentor, Speaker, and Certified Enneagram Coach.
Let's chat! @mil.spouse
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Consider supporting the podcast below by buying me a podcast editing date over coffee ❤️
TRANSCRIPT: Live Enneagram Typing Session: Manda Lynn McVey
[00:00:00] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Welcome to an episode that is the first of its kind today. We're diving head first into all things Enneagram as I host what is known as an Enneagram typing session. For a fellow Military Spouse. If you haven't caught on the Enneagram wave just yet, it is a personality framework with nine types and it is the most illuminating tool I use in my coaching practice with entrepreneurs.
[00:00:25] Jayla Rae Ardelean: It's a map for personal growth and will truly validate those parts of you that you think are hidden from the world. What's special about this episode is that I opened up an opportunity to my community, to volunteer, to come on the pod for a totally free typing session.
[00:00:40] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I did this to show you how these sessions typically go and to hopefully dispel any what-if's that you may have If you'd like to apply to be the next volunteer, head to Jayla rae.com forward slash Enneagram. Dash guide. Guide. And take advantage of a gift that I have just for you. And that will put you on my email [00:01:00] list where I'm super active, a little more active than Instagram I'll be honest.
[00:01:04] Jayla Rae Ardelean: ' cause I'll be releasing another volunteer typing session in the coming weeks. if after hearing this episode, you're ready to have your own transformative and enlightening conversation about your Enneagram type. Visit Jayla rae.com forward slash type to choose the next slot on my calendar. Thanks. Y'all.
[00:01:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Before we begin. I just want to throw up a quick trigger warning at the beginning of this conversation to let you know that a suicidal ideation does come up in conversation. And I also want to take a moment to note that I, myself am not a trauma informed coach. However, what tends to happen when talking about our personalities and talking about how we have processed certain events in our lives. This has happened every typing session I've conducted -a traumatic event comes up and then we kind of wade through that together.
[00:01:54] Jayla Rae Ardelean: But I have to recognize that I am not formally trained in this area. And [00:02:00] so I'm looking at the information specifically from an Enneagram perspective and trying to hold this space as best I can for people.
[00:02:09] Jayla Rae Ardelean: All right with that, let's get into it.
[00:02:12] Jayla Rae Ardelean: . So usually people start telling me the shit and I'm like, yeah, I wanna hear the shit . Give me the shit I know. Give the good stuff .
[00:02:23] Manda Lynn McVey: Yeah, that's, that's where I go with the resilience coaching a lot of the time, you know, because Yeah. One of the big things that we do is we try to detect icebergs, which are the underlying causes of why you're displaying the behavior that's coming up.
[00:02:37] Manda Lynn McVey: And sometimes it goes all the way back to like when you were three years old, you were told to eat all the food on your plate. Right. And that's why you're freaking out on your kids every night because they're not finishing their dinner or because you had a time in your life when you had food scarcity, you know?
[00:02:50] Manda Lynn McVey: And like, yeah. So you just believe wholeheartedly that like food is to be cherished and like honored and your kids are just like, Hmm. Chucking in the bin[00:03:00] . Really? Like, why do you have that behavior?
[00:03:02] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yes, exactly. So if you want to coach yourself when you're answering the questions like through an iceberg method, maybe that's one way to think about it.
[00:03:13] Jayla Rae Ardelean: That's like really easily applicable for you. Okay. I see that this crazy website typed you as a two and yes, not that, not that that typing is so out of left field for you, but you thought it was out of left field. And I think that's why the
[00:03:33] Manda Lynn McVey: way it's important, it was specifically because of the way that they had it described as a type is why I was like, okay.
[00:03:42] Manda Lynn McVey: Because everywhere else that I've seen type two described as a type does not fit. And then I looked more at the rest of their types and they were all very. random and kind of like they made their own definitions for the types. And I'm like, you can't do that. It, it's, it's a, it's a [00:04:00] method and a thing for a reason.
[00:04:01] Manda Lynn McVey: You can't just invent stuff. Yeah. , I mean, clearly you did and you, you're making profits from it, but you shouldn't do that. It's, it's unethical. Yes. Yes. So I had a good laugh and I saved it so that I could send it to you sometime if I can find it again. But yeah, I just was like, wow, that's a
[00:04:21] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I'd love to know what website it was, cuz I can venture a guess, but we won't say it
[00:04:25] Manda Lynn McVey: here.
[00:04:26] Manda Lynn McVey: Right. . But,
[00:04:27] Jayla Rae Ardelean: but it can, it essentially confused you because you've always felt.
[00:04:31] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Those types and those make much more sense to you. And then something you also brought to prior to this conversation in a little form that I have people fill out prior our typing session is that you feel intellectually centered most of the time. Yes. Instead of leading with your heart, let's say.
[00:04:54] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Well, so
[00:04:55] Manda Lynn McVey: it was actually kind of confusing for me when with that, because [00:05:00] what I was having a hard time putting into words in the form, which is obviously why you review these questions, is that most of the time, and you know me, so you know this is true, like I am very intellectual in my thought processes.
[00:05:15] Manda Lynn McVey: But when it comes to things, I guess that like really matter, you know, like. who I'm gonna be with or how we're gonna raise our child, or what we're choosing for our next home. I really lead with my heart and my gut, like but your definition of gut was more like body centric. Like full body centric, not like when people are like, follow your gut instinct because that's actually leading with your heart
[00:05:45] Manda Lynn McVey: So It's hard to like categorize all of those things, but I really do follow my heart and I don't, I don't try to force anything. Like, so I learned a long time ago that if I have to force things, that's [00:06:00] probably not the way that the world and the universe wants me to go.
[00:06:03] Manda Lynn McVey: There's a difference between working for things and forcing them to happen. Yeah. And I will work my butt off to get the thing I want. , but I've learned not to force things to happen. Okay. And so that's where I come into leading with my heart. But then when it's like business kind of things, obviously I'm very intellectual on it.
[00:06:23] Manda Lynn McVey: And again, it goes back to like my left brain, right brain, introvert, extrovert, kind of. I'm always like 49, 51. When I do any kind of personality typing or anything, I'm almost always an exact split down the middle. So, okay. It's very complicated for me to like fall into one of those categories when it comes to my thought processes as well.
[00:06:46] Manda Lynn McVey: Yeah.
[00:06:47] Jayla Rae Ardelean: If you can try to keep the other tests and the other categories that you've taken in the past, like try to put 'em aside a little bit. Yep. Because what's true about the [00:07:00] Enneagram and these other personality frameworks and decision making frameworks that have a dash of personality, like they all do, have overlaps with one another and they all work.
[00:07:12] Jayla Rae Ardelean: to say the same thing. Mm-hmm. , however, , however, because each of these systems and frameworks have their own little lexicon and they have their own way of describing pattern, for example, which is your personality. It is an ego structure. They, I think what makes Ingram a little bit different is that we are talking about motivations and we're not talking about behavior.
[00:07:40] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And in those other systems, when they discuss left, right brain, introversion, extroversion, some of those actually our behaviors, right? And it's, and it's not necessarily what is the underlying motivation of those behaviors, right? So I, I totally understand why it's [00:08:00] confusing and hopefully by the end of this we're giving you at least a little bit of clarity so that you can follow another step to type yourself. As much as I want to just like end this call and be like, ah, mandolin, you are type X . I also don't wanna rob you of your own experience in making that connection to the type once and for all. And I think it's really powerful when you allow people to make that connection on their own.
[00:08:31] Jayla Rae Ardelean: So I'm gonna ask you some questions. I'm gonna, I'm gonna let you know where the answers are falling, and then we can kind of come back and, and talk about it. So that's kind of the overall process I would say. Okay. But because we already talked about this, it's not planning on, I wasn't planning on starting here, but if I were to ask you what it means to have a gut feeling, how would you describe [00:09:00] that?
[00:09:02] Manda Lynn McVey: Oh, I mean for me it's really like, do you mean like do, how do I feel physically when I have a gut feeling or all of it, whatever comes, what do I consider what I consider a gut feeling to be? Mm-hmm. like for example, in high school, whenever I'd go to parties with my friends, I would literally just like stand up and be like, I'm out.
[00:09:23] Manda Lynn McVey: And after a few times my friends learned that if I said, I'm out to just go with me because I have like this weird intuition when things around me are getting off, whether it's visible to other people or not, or even to myself. Like I just suddenly have this urge to like get out of an unsafe situation or you know, like when it comes to picking a job, like maybe I have a couple of job opportunities on the table.
[00:09:54] Manda Lynn McVey: I literally just. Go with whatever one felt the most comfortable [00:10:00] when I was talking to them for my interview. Even if it's not the best opportunity for my, you know, like for finances or whatever. Because if I'm already comfortable with them, talking with them in a one-on-one situation and not feeling nervous like you normally are at a job interview, it's probably going to be a more comfortable place in the long term, and you're probably going to be able to make it last longer.
[00:10:27] Manda Lynn McVey: . Like, I have a really good example of when I was in New York. I moved to New York during Hurricane Sandy. . And there had been a lot of, people actually getting, kidnapped for human trafficking during that time, unfortunately, because it was really easy because people had to walk everywhere because all of the transit was down.
[00:10:50] Manda Lynn McVey: And there was this guy who was posing as a traffic cop, I believe, and he was outside of our hotel every night. And he would, he was really [00:11:00] nice and friendly and spoke to me and the other people I was there with all the time. And one night he saw me outside by myself and he asked if I wanted an escort down to the shop that I was going to.
[00:11:11] Manda Lynn McVey: And I said, sure. And then I turned and I saw an unmarked white box truck in an alley, and my whole body felt like it was on fire. like instantly the second I saw that, and I don't normally get nervous like that, I'd normally just be like, that's weird. And I said, you know what? I forgot my wallet inside.
[00:11:28] Manda Lynn McVey: And so I went back inside, I came out, the truck was gone. He was gone. And we never saw him there again. And he had been there every night for three weeks. Hmm. So I like to chalk that up to my total gut instinct, , you know, like that's, that's the epitome of a gut feeling for me, I guess would be an easy way to say that.
[00:11:48] Manda Lynn McVey: Okay. The rest of them are like smaller versions, , where I just get like this urge that's like, you have to listen to this now.
[00:11:56] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Right. And I, I love that. Some [00:12:00] bigger examples. Absolutely. But in that like small day-to-day stuff and you kind of get a hit, I would describe that as like an intuitive hit of like mm-hmm.
[00:12:10] Jayla Rae Ardelean: It's so quick, it goes so fast, but you feel it. And Yep. Sometimes it's difficult to know where in your body it's present. . But usually when we tune into it, it is literally in the gut . Yeah. And it is in that portion of our stomach and the rest of the body. And it's just, it's guiding you and Okay, so these three really big examples were awesome.
[00:12:37] Jayla Rae Ardelean: It does sound like categorizing you into a gut center of intelligence feels best. So that's how I'm going to move with the rest, .
[00:12:52] Manda Lynn McVey: Okay. That
[00:12:52] Jayla Rae Ardelean: makes sense to me. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and you already like had a connection to two gut centers, which was two [00:13:00] types in the gut center, which was eight and one. So we'll just keep, we'll just keep moving along.
[00:13:06] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Alright, so when you manage or you oversee a project, , do you usually like micromanage the activities from start to end and enjoy that part? Or do you more prefer to macromanage the big picture and end results and then kind of leave the day-to-day details for someone else?
[00:13:28] Manda Lynn McVey: That's a hard one for me because most of my life I micromanaged things, but I've learned that that causes too much stress for myself.
[00:13:40] Manda Lynn McVey: So I'm learning how to not be a micromanager, but my instinct is to micromanage. Yes,
[00:13:47] Jayla Rae Ardelean: your differentiation. Okay. Right. .
[00:13:51] Manda Lynn McVey: I literally wanna be like, what are you doing? Are you doing the thing? ?
[00:13:55] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. So, yeah. And do you derive I don't know if enjoyment is [00:14:00] really the right word, but do you derive any enjoyment from that or is it just I don't like you, it's an impulse.
[00:14:07] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yes. So like you have to do it .
[00:14:09] Manda Lynn McVey: Yeah. I do not derive enjoyment from it. I actually get stressed out from it, which is why I'm trying to change that pattern and behavior. But I feel like I have to and , I mean, I could talk all day about the reasons why I know I behave that way, but , that's a different story I'm sure.
[00:14:30] Manda Lynn McVey: Is it
[00:14:31] Jayla Rae Ardelean: though ? it's
[00:14:32] Manda Lynn McVey: just the way that I was raised, like, you know, my mom was a very big micromanager. And then also like, I guess just a lot of the time when I would put my trust in people, it just got broken a lot. Hmm. So, And various things. So yeah, it's like if I can control the thing, I'm going to control the thing.
[00:14:57] Manda Lynn McVey: like, oh, this is a giant project and someone put their faith [00:15:00] in me to be in charge of it. So now it's my responsibility. So I have to make sure everybody else does all things because they're gonna let me down if I don't peek over their shoulder kind of thing. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm.
[00:15:11] Manda Lynn McVey: So, okay.
[00:15:12] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. And that, that tracks, that makes sense. Okay. When it comes to anger and we can get deep with this as you want, but I'd really love to understand more about your relationship to anger. How do you typically express anger?
[00:15:35] Manda Lynn McVey: I used to just explode. , like really bad. And then, you know, years of therapy and working through some anger issues that I had of childhood traumas.
[00:15:44] Manda Lynn McVey: Now I'm a lot better about, I'd say like 80% of the time I'm able to just come to somebody and while I might not have the nicest tone of voice, I'm not shouting at someone, I'm actually trying really hard to [00:16:00] communicate and express how I feel and then, you know, try to get them to understand why I feel that way and make sure that they know that I'm not like accusing them of anything.
[00:16:15] Manda Lynn McVey: I'm just expressing like how I'm feeling and how their actions are making, like, causing me to feel based on things that have happened to me in the past. Yeah.
[00:16:28] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I hear in your answer to that this a lot more element of control as well. Mm-hmm. and. when you are angry and you do, let's think about the past, maybe not after these years and years of therapy.
[00:16:42] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. To a point where you're not exploding on somebody. Bravo, by the way. Thank you, . But prior, prior to that, when it did feel like an explosion, was the, was the sense of control coming fromThings need to be a certain way? Or [00:17:00] was it more that this felt like someone you could no longer control and therefore to kind of like this outburst of anger?
[00:17:11] Manda Lynn McVey: I don't think most of my anger is from control. I think it's from places of hurt and like being triggered by something that relates to something in my past, even in like the most obscure way because once I sit and like think about like why did I get so mad about that? Like that was the most ridiculous little thing.
[00:17:35] Manda Lynn McVey: I'll be like, oh, so that can relate to this thing that can go back to that. And then all the way back to like, you know, some guy I dated in high school or you know, something just ridiculous that I'm like, I don't know how that could possibly even go backwards and relate that way, but clearly it does. So make a note of that to talk to my therapist that this thing is still [00:18:00] triggering me 30 years later, you know?
[00:18:03] Manda Lynn McVey: So, yeah. Does that make sense?
[00:18:07] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And if ever. , I'm speaking to like a, I guess you could call it a dichotomy. Like either this or either that. Like we don't mm-hmm. , you don't have to answer as like, it's this or it's that. It could be something else. But it does help in the context of Enneagram to, pit one type against another type.
[00:18:28] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Okay. To really, a, really get, get down to it. I don't know that I need to ask this question, but I do think it would be interesting.
[00:18:35] Manda Lynn McVey: Okay. Do you see what happens? Yeah. . Do you,
[00:18:40] Jayla Rae Ardelean: it's not a big question. It's just like, I think I already know the answer. , do you, do you care what others think about you? ? Or do you not really care very much?
[00:18:52] Manda Lynn McVey: I used to growing up, I mean, I think everybody did growing up right? Because school is school and kids are mean. But [00:19:00] once I got outta school, I didn't really care. . Like I want people to see what I do as an individual and acknowledge that that makes an impact, but I don't care what people think about me, if that makes sense.
[00:19:20] Manda Lynn McVey: It's like I want them to see my actions and I want them to care about that, but about me and like the way I dress or the way I raise my kid, or the way that I interact in my relationships with other people. Like I couldn't care less what outliers think because it's not their business. They don't know my life.
[00:19:36] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I wish everyone could see the look on her face. Like it's not their business . So, no, I don't really care. Okay. I, I mean, I've pretty much ruled out that you, you probably do not belong to the Heart Center, but I wanna let you know this because I know you have specific questions about being more heart centric versus gut centric.
[00:19:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: [00:20:00] Mm-hmm. and someone who in the heart center, and that is their primary center of intelligence. So we're talking about twos, threes, and fours. I am among them, we are attuned to reading the room mm-hmm. and we are adjusting accordingly. Yep. Based on the desires and expectations of those people who are in the.
[00:20:23] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I would say that threes are a little bit of an exception in this case because they're often the leader in the room. However, they are constantly making note at least of what's happening within the room. And someone who leads with the heart center of intelligence is also more focused on the feelings and emotions surrounding those relationships.
[00:20:50] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And it's not that people who reside in the head center of intelligence or the gut center of intelligence don't care [00:21:00] about their relationships. We can't, we can't say that , right? But there is an attunement, there is a natural attunement for the heart center toward. is this other person getting what they need inside of this relationship that I am a part of?
[00:21:17] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And how do I give them, how do I give them more? How do I give them less? like, oh, like I'm not doing enough is like a common , a common freak out moment for someone in the heart center of intelligence who's thinking about their relationships.
[00:21:34] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Whereas the gut Center, they're gonna be more focused on doing what needs to be done when they enter a room. It's more about what needs to be done, what's the task I will take on the responsibility? It's going to get complete, it's going to get done. And okay, now peace out .
[00:21:55] Jayla Rae Ardelean: We're humans, there's still that relational aspect. You're still gonna be, you know, talking to people, [00:22:00] building those relationships, those kinds of things. But one thing that I want to point out that you said is that you want people to recognize you for the impact that you have brought to a room, versus you as the person, I made this impact in this community.
[00:22:19] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Does that kind of clear, does that kind of clear that up? That that makes
[00:22:23] Manda Lynn McVey: a lot of sense, but it also draws that line between like professional and personal. Hmm. For me because, and then how you, you're always explaining, obviously nobody falls into one category and they can definitely have aspects of other types and you know, just like we can with everything in life, nobody fits into one box.
[00:22:45] Manda Lynn McVey: Because when it comes to, like say I go to a party, right? All I'm doing the whole time I'm at the party is like I was saying in high school, right? Like I would just get that feeling for the room. But I always [00:23:00] am adjusting to the people that are in that space, that kind of crowd. Like one night I could go to a friend's house that was having like a cocktail party with like a bunch of fancy people who are maybe a little upper class and not my usual crowd, but I can conform to what they need me to be very easily to where they can't even tell, but it's like me trying to fit in, they just see me as fitting in.
[00:23:28] Manda Lynn McVey: but then I can go the next night to like a slumber party with my gal pals and like, you know, just be me. And then, and when I look back on like, all of my relationships in the past, like I would always, no matter who I was dating, like how different they were from the person before. Like, I was always like the exact person that they wanted me, like wanted their girlfriend to be like, it was just me trying to fit what I knew they [00:24:00] needed in a, in a partner.
[00:24:03] Manda Lynn McVey: So, you know, but it's like, and, but then with like my girlfriends, like, I'm just me. And like, either you like me for me or you don't. But I think that that's kind of a big deal as, especially as a female, to be able to say, this is me and my friends. Also be in that category and like me, for me, instead of trying to mold yourself to have a girlfriend that you can hang out with, because that person's not gonna be like, they're gonna see the real you one day and they're gonna be like, whoa,
[00:24:34] Manda Lynn McVey: Or maybe they'll be like, where has she been all this time? You don't know . So it's, it's very interesting when you explain the difference, because when it's a professional setting, I am very like, walk in the room. Let's get down to business. I'll be in charge. If you need me to be, if you don't want me to be, I'll sit over here.
[00:24:53] Manda Lynn McVey: I'll make sure I get my stuff done to the, like on point. I'll turn it in when it needs to be done. We'll get outta here and we'll go. [00:25:00] But when it's personal, I'm like, who needs me? Who needs this? What can I do to make everybody happy here? I was always the mom in the group. I'm, I'm still always the mom in the group like, Yeah, getting, making sure people are getting rides home safely and making sure that everybody's getting fed and fitting into what everybody needs, quote unquote needs me to be mm-hmm.
[00:25:27] Manda Lynn McVey: for the night or the day or whatever. So,
[00:25:31] Jayla Rae Ardelean: yeah.
[00:25:32] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I think the other, the other aspect of type eight in particular and your connection to type two, if type eight is, is what you are, is in growth you do move to type two. So you are more willing to only protect those in your circle and those you really love and care about, but you [00:26:00] do so from a caring and nurturing position, which can be very mom energy,
[00:26:07] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Mm-hmm. . And I want, I wanna I wanna point out too, like this mom friend energy I've also been the mom friend in my group. but it's coming from a different, it's coming from a slightly different place. Yeah. I don't hear you using the term protect, but I think
[00:26:28] Manda Lynn McVey: No, it is.
[00:26:30] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Okay.
[00:26:30] Manda Lynn McVey: I have to protect everybody.
[00:26:32] Manda Lynn McVey: Yes. Have to make sure everybody's safe, everybody's taken care of. Yes. All of the things. Yeah. Yeah. I
[00:26:38] Jayla Rae Ardelean: hear this sense of duty that you feel you have to protect crisis to you and to protect yourself. But you also can't help to protect others unless you feel safe enough to do so. Also what you had said about, you know, molding in past relationships to be, I think [00:27:00] that's interesting, but I don't know that that's necessarily relating back to a personality type feature.
[00:27:07] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I think that is a patriarchal expectation placed on women that we would do that. And so that's kind of where it gets fuzzy because I would relate to that too. 1000%, any woman listening to this right now relates to that. They know exactly what it means to to become what that other person needs versus focusing on what it is that you need first. Yeah. And we're expected to behave that way. We're expected to do that. We're expected to be someone's caretaker and nurturer and like, you know, badass and
[00:27:44] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And like, but it doesn't have their own interests. Like all of those messages that we receive would ring true no matter which
[00:27:54] Manda Lynn McVey: type you fall into. Does that make sense? That makes sense. Yeah. Okay.
[00:27:58] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I don't wanna discount that [00:28:00] experience though cause I know exactly what you're talking about.
[00:28:02] Jayla Rae Ardelean: It
[00:28:02] Manda Lynn McVey: sucks. Yeah.
[00:28:04] Jayla Rae Ardelean: it sucks. Especially, and then one
[00:28:06] Manda Lynn McVey: day, yeah, you started dating somebody that just saw you and was like, Hey, what's up ? And you're like, wait, I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.
[00:28:16] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Right. And when you look back on those relationships you see, all you see is self abandonment. .
[00:28:21] Manda Lynn McVey: Mm-hmm.
[00:28:22] Manda Lynn McVey: you just, you
[00:28:23] Jayla Rae Ardelean: this like, it felt, I don't wanna use this term, but it almost felt like this desperate need to be what the other person thought that you should be. Mm-hmm. . And you thinking that that's love. Right. And that is, that's what you do. Yep. And I mean, we both know cuz now we're with our people, our like Right.
[00:28:46] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Real people. that . Right. That's not actually what love is. Right. But that's a message that, that we receive I think very early on. And so it does get a little [00:29:00] hazy when we're talking about the difference between a personality type and a cul and cultural conditioning. But for what it's worth, that's, that makes a lot of sense.
[00:29:07] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. That's where I stand on on
[00:29:09] Manda Lynn McVey: that . Okay.
[00:29:12] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I would. To hear about another experience or memory from the past in which you felt as though
[00:29:24] Jayla Rae Ardelean: you were quick to take action and potentially it didn't make sense to you, like you didn't, you didn't fully comprehend why? I just knew that it was like the right thing to do. Does that make
[00:29:43] Manda Lynn McVey: sense? It does. So I have something that I'll say, and if it doesn't work for the podcast situation, we can, I can give a different example because I don't [00:30:00] know if this is a situation that would.
[00:30:02] Manda Lynn McVey: applicable. Mm-hmm. when, and I might start crying. ,
[00:30:08] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I, you cry with me. Nothing would make me happier.
[00:30:14] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Hey, y'all just a quick trigger warning. If you missed it. At the beginning of this episode, we are about to discuss, Suicidal ideations.
[00:30:22] Jayla Rae Ardelean: If you know, this is a topic that is very sensitive or near and dear to your heart, please feel free to turn off the episode now.
[00:30:28] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I wish you well.
[00:30:31] Manda Lynn McVey: When I was 10, my brother tried to kill himself and my mom walked herself in a bedroom and called the cops and my brother was standing in the living room with a knife to his chest telling me he was gonna fall on it.
[00:30:54] Manda Lynn McVey: And I told him, put down the knife. And he said, okay. And then he went and grabbed his [00:31:00] pills cuz he has epilepsy. And he said he's just gonna take them all. And he asked me to go back in my room and I wouldn't, I just stood in the hall staring at him because I knew he wouldn't do anything while I was.
[00:31:15] Manda Lynn McVey: And then when the police got there, I went in my room because he asked me to please go in my room when they got there.
[00:31:20] Manda Lynn McVey: But like I was 10, you know? Mm-hmm. . But I knew somebody had to keep him safe even though he's older than me. And my mom clearly wasn't doing it, even though maybe she was in her own way and she just couldn't watch what was happening. But I knew I couldn't not watch what was happening. Mm-hmm. . And obviously that situation happened rapidly, but I just 10 years old, didn't think twice about it, just stepped in and was like, no, you can't do that.
[00:31:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah.
[00:31:59] Manda Lynn McVey: [00:32:00] it's not like I was 20 where I had. that you're supposed to like Right. Step in and, you know, intervene when somebody's doing something like that.
[00:32:08] Manda Lynn McVey: I'm 10 years old, like my first instinct is how do I save him from himself, even though he's five years older than me? Yeah. Like, that's so weird. I mean, when you genuinely think about it like that, that was my first instinct instead of to like run and hide under my sheets or something. Yeah.
[00:32:30] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I also, I also wanna point out too that like your, your any ground type in particular is a mix of nurture and nature.
[00:32:40] Jayla Rae Ardelean: You're gonna be born with particular predispositions to personality functions, traits and things. And like, there's a lot of formative experience that experiences that happen in our childhood that make us the way that we are and give us the defense [00:33:00] mechanisms. That we have. And to me it sounds like the defense mechanism in that case was, I must protect, I, I must save not just your brother, but just like this person from themselves mm-hmm.
[00:33:21] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yep. And that impulse is not one that everyone shares .
[00:33:28] Manda Lynn McVey: Right. . Even like the next day, I was like, why didn't I just run and hide in my closet or something, you know? Yeah. Like, like a, and
[00:33:37] Jayla Rae Ardelean: when I was a normal 10 year old would
[00:33:39] Manda Lynn McVey: do like Yeah. Like a normal 10 year old. And obviously I had therapy when that happened because luckily my parents even in the eighties were like, , that involves therapy,
[00:33:49] Manda Lynn McVey: And
[00:33:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: so this warrants going to see a professional. Yeah. . Yeah.
[00:33:55] Manda Lynn McVey: And my therapist was like, Why? And I'm like, why not? [00:34:00] And that was literally like the only answer I had for them was why wouldn't I? Yeah. And I still, to this day, 30 years later, 33 years later, I'm still like, why wouldn't I? Yeah.
[00:34:15] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. I'm, I'm really glad that you brought that particular experience here because even though discussing your personality type versus how you respond in a traumatic situation can get very fuzzy very quickly.
[00:34:29] Jayla Rae Ardelean: All I'm hearing from this is this need to protect the ones that you love. And that's important because that is part of a type eight s manifesto. and , their worldview, basically the weak do not survive. And you are. Asserting yourself on behalf of the week [00:35:00] and to also not appear weak yourself. And after many years of therapy and training and resilience training, you've come to this point where you can like very openly and vulnerably share an experience like that on something that you know is going to be produced for public consumption.
[00:35:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And that is not an eights go-to . The, the, the go-to would be I need to avoid being too vulnerable. Because I like to appear strong and if I care something vulnerable, the other person might assume that I'm not strong, powerful, in control and together does that. ring a bell. ?
[00:35:50] Manda Lynn McVey: Yes. . Okay. . Okay.
[00:35:54] Manda Lynn McVey: What? No, I don't, no, not at all. Not at, not
[00:35:57] Jayla Rae Ardelean: at all. I'm really proud of you for [00:36:00] admitting it because every, everybody has shit about their type that they don't like. Like if you read about your engram type and you love it, you're in the wrong place. . You
[00:36:13] Manda Lynn McVey: are not. You picked something because you liked the description.
[00:36:17] Jayla Rae Ardelean: They're protecting themselves from seeing the portions of their personality that they don't actually like. Mm-hmm. . So it makes sense. It's part of their defense mechanism. It also makes sense why some people take a really long time to type themselves, especially if they're prone to positive reframe.
[00:36:36] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I know that that's not you you are, you are not prone to positive reframing.
[00:36:44] Manda Lynn McVey: if you had met me five years ago, that's all I did, like everything had to be, like, everything would always be turned around and everything was always perfect and fine. And you know, like Yeah. But that's, yeah. A lot of that again came with, you know, just [00:37:00] crappy past relationships and trying to fit into a box for this person or that person,
[00:37:05] Jayla Rae Ardelean: so Right,
[00:37:06] Manda Lynn McVey: right.
[00:37:07] Manda Lynn McVey: Or a job or whatever.
[00:37:09] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. Whatever the container, whatever the container was. Right. So with that worldview of like, of, of protecting yourself and those you care about and protecting the. , the weak, not appearing vulnerable, those kinds of things. A type one on the other hand is more concerned with the fact that the world is an imperfect place and it's res, it's their responsibility to correct it and to be good and to be right, and to be morally centered in that pursuit.
[00:37:43] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I still hear a lot of that in you, not even what you've brought to this conversation, but just how we know each other personally. Yeah. Because there is this reformer streak in you. You recognize that [00:38:00] when a resource is not a Military, Spouse is, you are going to make it available. And . What I'm actually seeing now, , is that it's not necessarily, or at least from my point of view, and you can correct me, it's not necessarily from a reformist perspective.
[00:38:19] Jayla Rae Ardelean: It's actually I need to protect my own and Military spouses are my own. They're my people. They're my group, and if they're not getting what they need to survive, I will do everything in my power to bring it to them.
[00:38:32] Manda Lynn McVey: That's exactly it. Boom,
[00:38:39] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Well, welcome to being a Type 8 .
[00:38:45] Manda Lynn McVey: I'm glad that I had a good idea of what I. . I mean, I always kind of thought I leaned that way, but then I, you know, you read through all the descriptions and you're like, but there's this, and there's that, and there's this, and there's, and I mean, again, like we've said [00:39:00] previously, no one fits into a specific box because we all have different experiences in our lives that help us lean towards another direction a little bit during certain occasions or whatever.
[00:39:11] Manda Lynn McVey: But yeah. Yeah. It's, I just have to protect everybody. Yeah. It's my job, the whole world. I have to protect the whole world. . Yes. Can
[00:39:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: you take that on? That's your responsibility. what I like to go back to is if you're seeing a tougher, more put together exterior of a type eight. Just know that there is a little like ooey-gooey marshmallow on the inside, and they may , they may not lead, they may not lead with that. Especially if it's around people that they don't know very well.
[00:39:46] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And it's like, that's not the situation to appear appear like a marshmallow right. But it's, it's that tough exterior [00:40:00] that gets described in a negative way online. They're often getting described as aggressive loud, too much like power controlling, hungry controlling. And it's true that type eights can be aggressive, power hungry, like, you know, but all humans can be those things.
[00:40:25] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Right. So it's, it's become it's become much more apparent to me as an engram coach, like, and who I learn from, and those coaches who are taking descriptions from the past or they're adding their own things and like biases can get, can take us off track really quickly. Right. Because I wouldn't describe you as any of those things.
[00:40:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I would describe you as a strong badass of a woman who's on a mission. Yeah. Who's on a mission [00:41:00] to do right by our subset of the population and to do right by military spouses. And the fact that you, you know, do resiliency training as well is like, oh, well that was kind of, it's kind of like a no-brainer to me now.
[00:41:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah, that's manda. . Yeah. And eight might want to become as resilient as possible. We could say .
[00:41:29] Manda Lynn McVey: What? No, I, it's funny that you're saying like, you know, seem like a hard ass on the outside, but then there are marshmallow on the inside and all I could think of was, I have so many good examples of that from people that I'm still friends with like 10, 15 years later that I used to like work with in a supervisory position where I genuinely thought they like hated me because of the way that I behaved at work, because I was such a hard ass.[00:42:00]
[00:42:00] Manda Lynn McVey: Yeah. But that was, like that was also coming from a place of insecurity because I had taken on positions that I didn't feel I was qualified for and I had really bad imposter syndrome and surprise and, but like they got to know me while working with me and eventually saw like the softer side and now I'm still friends with them.
[00:42:22] Manda Lynn McVey: Right. And they'll straight up tell me, man, you are a jerk . I'm like, yeah, sorry about that. And they're like, but you're intimidating or
[00:42:30] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah, , right?
[00:42:32] Manda Lynn McVey: But like at the end of the day, we all got our jobs done. We got them done. Well, you made sure that none of us ever fell through the cracks. You helped us if we needed it.
[00:42:41] Manda Lynn McVey: Mm-hmm. and then we could go out and have a beer together afterwards and have a blast. Yeah. And so like, that's why we're still friends, you know? Yeah.
[00:42:52] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I love that. And, and I love knowing that because my experience with you in like getting to know you, . [00:43:00] I've never really felt like there was this tough exterior on the outside.
[00:43:06] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh, . .
[00:43:08] Manda Lynn McVey: That's cause you don't have to work with me on projects. .
[00:43:10] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. And it's true that like, you know, our professional personas can come across a lot more extreme than our personal personas. Yeah. But I'm still kind of shocked that I didn't really, like I've always gotten gut type energy from you, but we've also never met in person.
[00:43:32] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Right. And I think that's important because I can still watch your body language here over a camera and I can, you know, pick up and feel certain things that aren't being said and like, you know, even just like when we text each other and you know, I'm like, okay, like. Okay. Like it's always been this big presence, and
[00:43:56] Jayla Rae Ardelean: The thing about gut types, even can come across as [00:44:00] Whatever you want. It's still this energy walking into a room And that is, that is part of like being a body type, being a gut type. And so I, you know, we had never met in person. So now when we meet, we zoom. I know that's gonna be great, , but when you, when you, like, when we walk into a room and like we meet each other for the first time, I will not be surprised if I feel you before I see you.
[00:44:29] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. Like that's, that's what can happen with really big gut type energy. . And I would say that, you know, heart types in particular like can have a similar energy, but that's an emotional landscape. Yeah. That's like, that's bringing in the emotional of the room. And then a head type is bringing in ideas and, and you know, innovativeness and like intellectual, you know, let's think about this, let's do this.
[00:44:55] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And so all of us have these specific energies [00:45:00] and yeah. I won't, I won't be surprised if I feel you before I see you like, man, mandolin is
[00:45:07] Jayla Rae Ardelean: coming. Yes.
[00:45:10] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Okay. So I actually think a really great next step for you is to dive into the instincts. And I don't know if you've heard about this or read about this.
[00:45:23] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I will send you some resources. Okay. There's the self-preservation instinct , the social instinct and the sexual instinct. Sexual does not mean . What it sounds like. It just refers to strong one-to-one connection, basically. And based on your mission and what you're about and what you're working toward, mm-hmm.
[00:45:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I wouldn't be surprised if you lead with a social instinct. that's what you're trying to do. You're trying to accomplish so much for our population of [00:46:00] people. I'm also a social instinct and it's no
[00:46:04] Jayla Rae Ardelean: weird, right?
[00:46:06] Manda Lynn McVey: I shocked
[00:46:09] Jayla Rae Ardelean: so I'll send you some stuff. I want you to read it over, you know, be sure like what makes most sense to you. But a social eight can be confused with a two. And I wonder if that test that you took was kind of picking up, picking up on that energy of I need to care for others
[00:46:31] Manda Lynn McVey: Yes.
[00:46:32] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I'll send you some stuff to take a look at and then maybe we can get drill down a little bit further because your instinct does play a huge role in how your engram type presents itself. And it's just another That makes sense. Yeah. It's just another like avenue of engram that it gives people the opportunity to feel really seen and validated of like, oh yeah, that is most important to me. So yeah, for Wordsworth, . [00:47:00] Okay. So how do you feel ?
[00:47:04] Manda Lynn McVey: I feel good. ? Yeah. I, I definitely learned some stuff about Enneagrams that I didn't know before and a lot of it was good to have somebody else give me a word to put to certain behaviors that I have.
[00:47:21] Manda Lynn McVey: Hmm. Like the protect, protect, protect thing, because while I know that on like a subconscious level trying to put a name to like, why I'm doing these things, because sometimes I do sit and think, you know, like when you feel so driven to do something, you're like, but why? Why am I driven to do this? Like, why is this so important to me?
[00:47:44] Manda Lynn McVey: Yeah. Being able to say, because I know that like my underlying cause of why I feel like I need to do this is because I have that instinct to protect Yes. Like exactly to, to help others stay safe in [00:48:00] whatever capacity it can be. Whether it's my disaster relief project, whether it's teaching people resilience so that they don't freak out and they can learn how to manage their stress better.
[00:48:09] Manda Lynn McVey: You know, like whether it's helping them be healthy and well, like mm-hmm. all of the, you know, food bringing community together because how do I do my food, right? What do I talk about? Food is, food is community. Right? It helps us to build community. Yes. . I'm not just saying, Food brings people together. I'm not just saying food is important for our health and wellness.
[00:48:33] Manda Lynn McVey: I'm saying food builds community and without community we aren't safe and protected. . Yes.
[00:48:42] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Bring it from subconscious to cautious. , so, oh my gosh. Well, I really, I'm so glad that we got to do this together. I'm gonna be on a high for the rest of the day. .
[00:48:56] Manda Lynn McVey: Me too. I'm not even a morning person, but I saw that you had a [00:49:00] six o'clock in the morning, my time zone, and I was like, In order to know that nobody's gonna bother me.
[00:49:06] Manda Lynn McVey: I will get up at five in the morning to talk to Jayla Rae .
[00:49:09] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh my God, you did that for me. I
[00:49:12] Manda Lynn McVey: did that for you. .
[00:49:13] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh my gosh. I feel so special. Thank you, . Also, I can
[00:49:17] Manda Lynn McVey: go back and go to bed again if I need to.
[00:49:19] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh, yeah. Like go, go to sleep.
[00:49:21] Manda Lynn McVey: All right. Well, thank you. I had a lot of fun. This was enlightening. Yay.
[00:49:28] Jayla Rae Ardelean: All right.
[00:49:28] Manda Lynn McVey: Bye. Okay, bye
[00:49:32] Jayla Rae Ardelean: thank you so much for joining me, Manda Lynn, we loved putting this conversation on the podcast for you to witness, to listen to. You can book your own Enneagram typing session, whether you are a Military Spouse or not at Dot com forward slash type. Let's get to the core of who you are together. I can't wait bye.