Experiencing Barriers as a Veteran + Late Career Milspouse
Experiencing Barriers as a Veteran + Late Career Milspouse
Are you ever curious to hear a female veteran's perspective after leaving the military? Join me and Jeanette for a no-holds-barred conversation on what it means to be a black woman inside and outside what she describes as the most "toxic" relationship she's ever had.
This is Episode #3 of The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast series highlighting Late Career Milspouse/Milso stories + experiences ❤️
Questions we cover:
How and where Jeanette met her service member (it's scandalous!)
Challenges from the point of view of veteran + Late Career Milspouse - there are more barriers versus benefits than you'd think!
How Jeanette sees the term "Late Career Milspouse" shaping our unique experiences
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Jeanette Peterson is a US Air Force Iraqi Freedom veteran. She served 11 years, and met her husband, Austin and have been married for 7 years. They have two kids, Annalise (4), and Eleanor (2). After an abrupt exit from the military, moving across the country, and becoming a mother all within 6 months, she struggled with what her purpose was.
Jeanette loves to coach and mentor women during a 'label' transition and learn to trust their intuition. She also coaches entrepreneur CEO women to trust their guidance and do what's right for them. She's a CISSP Cybersecurity Engineer working as a contractor for Veteran's Affairs.
Find her on social:
@jeanette.peterson
@petersonandbelle
Learn more:
https://petersonandbelle.com/
Listen to her podcast, Unapologetically Unstoppable:
https://open.spotify.com/show/6KbriMUsXFQZ94M16XtcjE?si=678f63edce994edd
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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Milspouse Mentor.
Let's chat! @mil.spouse
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Because I want to keep producing episodes for you, consider supporting the podcast below ❤️
TRANSCRIPT: Experiencing Barriers as a Veteran + Late Career Milspouse With Jeanettte Peterson
[00:00:00] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the heart of a milspouse podcast. We are continuing our late career mill spouse series. And today I have a special guest. Her name is Jeanette. Hi, Jeanette. Would you like to intro hi. Would you like to introduce yourself?
[00:00:22] Jeanette Peterson: Yes, I am Jeanette Peterson. I served in the military for 11 years.
[00:00:26] Jeanette Peterson: I got out and then became a military spouse and we now live in Warrensburg, Missouri, which is. Woo.
[00:00:34] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yes. Um, so take us back to when you and your husband met and what that was like, because you were, you were serving, he was serving. Give us all, give us all the deets, because your experience as a vet turn spouse is not uncommon, but I also know that it's very unique to each couple and, and what that [00:01:00] experience is like,
[00:01:01] Jeanette Peterson: girl, this was a scandal. This story . Ooh.
[00:01:07] Jeanette Peterson: So we met in Virginia. We were both stationed at Lincoln, Virginia, and we were both, um, Comm people. We were in the air force. I was a cyber operator and he was cybersecurity and those are two different AFSC are like job codes.
[00:01:22] Jeanette Peterson: And so they were like redoing what the job codes are gonna be. And my job code was gonna take over his position. Um, at the time I was a E five staff Sergeant and he was a young A1C and, uh, he caught my eye and he would like rap for me and like do all this silly stuff. And we both were really into cars.
[00:01:45] Jeanette Peterson: And so we like connected on that level and we, like, we would just go to lunch and do like innocent stuff. And then he like was like, Hey, you wanna go to this party with me? And I was. No, I'm a staff Sergeant. I cannot go to a party with an A1C. That sounds [00:02:00] like a horrible idea. Like why would I do that?
[00:02:02] Jeanette Peterson: Everything in my soul was like, no, that's wrong. No, that's wrong. But I did it anyways. And then it was love at first sight love at first kiss. It was that
[00:02:13] Jayla Rae Ardelean: the rest is history.
[00:02:15] Jeanette Peterson: Rest is history.
[00:02:16] Jayla Rae Ardelean: That damn party come on.
[00:02:18] Jeanette Peterson: Nice. That's how we met. And, um, we had to like, be secretive about our relationship because we were in the same shop and I was out ranking him and then we got married and then it was like, whatever we're married now.
[00:02:34] Jeanette Peterson: So you can't do anything.
[00:02:37] Jeanette Peterson: Whatever. Yeah.
[00:02:37] Jayla Rae Ardelean: So is there , this is gonna sound maybe really stupid, but like, are you supposed to like report your relationship to anyone or it was it just like, oh, we're married. So now you can't like, do anything about it.
[00:02:50] Jeanette Peterson: So we told our direct supervisor, like we didn't act relationshipy or like have any favoritism during the Workday, because we [00:03:00] both worked, even though we're in the same shop, we worked in different sections. So it's not like we were like overlapping and I wasn't his direct supervisor or anything like that. I didn't rate on him. And so we told our supervisor to make sure that that didn't happen, that I wasn't going to be rating on him.
[00:03:14] Jeanette Peterson: And he was okay with it because we kept it professional in the workplace and we didn't have any drama or anything. And then. After we got married, we told everybody, cuz it didn't matter at that point, but we still like kept it quiet and we weren't makin' out in the hallways, everyth everything.
[00:03:31] Jayla Rae Ardelean: this wasn't high school y'all
[00:03:32] Jeanette Peterson: yes.
[00:03:36] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Well, I think that's a really important ingredient to mention, um, is that you were not his senior rater in any way. Um, cause that would be like. Everyone's immediate question . Yeah. Um, but for anyone who's listening to this who doesn't know what that means, we're talking about, um, ratings in terms of evaluations and when those come up.
[00:03:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And [00:04:00] so when you have a senior rater, like, you know, someone has been overseeing your work, they've been assigned to complete a portion of your evaluation. Am I getting this right? And then,
[00:04:10] Jeanette Peterson: yeah.
[00:04:11] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Okay. Great. Cool. sometimes, sometimes I know stuff, Jeanette . Um and, um, and then, you know, at the end of it, you get your, your evaluation and you usually have, well, I don't know if it's different branch to branch, but you usually have about two or three senior raters depending on
[00:04:28] Jeanette Peterson: yeah.
[00:04:29] Jayla Rae Ardelean: The office and, and what's going on. And. Who you're, who you're linked up with. So there's that? There's a little lesson. Yeah.
[00:04:36] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah. And I was never in his chain, like directly, like I was his, I was his floor supervisor before we started dating. And then he went to like the back shop, which was upstairs. And then, then it was fine.
[00:04:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. This is still very scandalous though.
[00:04:53] Jeanette Peterson: Oh, very scandalous.
[00:04:54] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Very scandalous.
[00:04:55] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah. Yeah. A1C staff Sergeant. Oh no, that just not happened. Yeah.
[00:04:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And so how [00:05:00] long have you guys been together now?
[00:05:02] Jeanette Peterson: Oh, seven years.
[00:05:04] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh, us too. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, cool. So we're kind of on the same, the same timeline. And actually we are on the same timeline because Jeremy was in for about 10, almost 11 years when we met.
[00:05:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And it sounds like that was the same. For him, so. Wow.
[00:05:25] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah.
[00:05:25] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Wow. So this was all happening at the same time then if we backtrack this,
[00:05:30] Jeanette Peterson: yes it's kismet. We were meant to meet.
[00:05:33] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yes.
[00:05:34] Jayla Rae Ardelean: We were meant to meet . So tell us about how you then exited the military and what that I would love to know what that conversation was like between the two of you.
[00:05:45] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Like, was this done? Out of necessity. Was this done because you wanted to, like, how did that come to be?
[00:05:53] Jeanette Peterson: So I, oh, this is crazy. So this is like a God thing. I'm like all about God, y'all, that's [00:06:00] my, that's my jam. So like, I was like, I knew that when I sewed on E six, that that was gonna be my last rank in the military.
[00:06:08] Jeanette Peterson: I just had the feeling. I was like, this is it. As, as great as I am in the military. Like, I was like flying up the ranks, doing my thing. It was just like mentally not going great for me. Um, so I was like, this is gonna be my last rank. I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I knew that that was it. And so I'd been going through this process called the medical evaluation board, the MEB process.
[00:06:30] Jeanette Peterson: And basically if you are hurt in some capacity, they like check you and they make sure that you're still fit for duty. And I had been going through this process for years and I was always returned to duty cuz everything was always. It wasn't changing. Like it wasn't getting worse. It just maintaining. Um, so like I went through the medical evaluation board process again, and they were like, oh no, we're gonna go ahead and let you out of the military.
[00:06:55] Jeanette Peterson: And I was like, excuse me. Okay. I didn't wanna be in the [00:07:00] military yet, but this is not my decision. I want this to be done on my terms. Like you can't kick me out. I'm leaving you like, like the most toxic relationship I've ever been in
[00:07:14] Jayla Rae Ardelean: they're leaving you so they don't have to be left. And you were like, what? I was gonna leave you yeah,
[00:07:19] Jeanette Peterson: it was, I was gonna leave you, you can't do this to me. And then, so that was in October and I was like, okay, I'm just gonna go through this process. And Austin was like, okay, well, I think I'm gonna like sign up for this like special duty to go on this like special green door, like secret squirrel mission.
[00:07:35] Jeanette Peterson: I was like, okay, no, but I know has ever gotten one of those. Let's go. And then in December I found out I was pregnant and then April, we got orders. No, yeah, April, we got orders. And we were out in July and I was out of the military in April as well. And I was like, okay, like this whole six months, I was like in the military doing my thing.
[00:07:54] Jeanette Peterson: And now I. Going to be a mom without a job moving across the country where I don't [00:08:00] know anybody. And I was like, this, this is the shittiest time of my life. Like this sucks. Oh, wow. This is not fun.
[00:08:07] Jayla Rae Ardelean: That is a crazy six months.
[00:08:10] Jeanette Peterson: yeah. And so, like, I don't know if this happens or like as a veteran, especially a female veteran, you see other females that are spouses and you're.
[00:08:22] Jeanette Peterson: You just talk shit about them. No offense. You just talk shit about them. You're like, yeah. These dependa-potamusses. They don't do anything. They just sit at home. They ain't got no jobs, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I'm gonna be one of those. Like, I don't wanna do that. Like I was like having like a, like a, like what the fuck is my life?
[00:08:41] Jeanette Peterson: I'm sorry.
[00:08:42] Jayla Rae Ardelean: An identity
[00:08:43] Jeanette Peterson: podcast. I'm sorry.
[00:08:43] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Absolutely. I'll explicit. Explicit thing. This is an explicit episode. . Um, no, I totally identity crisis. Yeah. A total identity crisis and how, oh man. And I, I know that was [00:09:00] like seven years ago, but how long do you think it took you to transition into like acceptance mode of like, oh, now I am a military spouse yes, I'm a veteran.
[00:09:12] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I still have this history, but this is my primary role within the military now is to be a spouse.
[00:09:20] Jeanette Peterson: Um, a while. Yeah, like three years probably.
[00:09:25] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yes
[00:09:26] Jeanette Peterson: because it was like deconditioning from sorry, deconditioning from being the primary breadwinner because I out ranked him to not having a job. So like that was a switch in itself and I've got other deep seated issues about like, why I need to make money.
[00:09:42] Jeanette Peterson: Right. And then like becoming a mom, which I didn't even think that I was ever going to be like, I was never like one of. I'm gonna be a mom when I grow up, that was not my jam. That was never my thing. Yeah. So like then being pregnant and being like, oh shit, I'm gonna be a mom. And I don't have a [00:10:00] job. And I don't know anybody here.
[00:10:01] Jeanette Peterson: It's not like I have like, cuz we live, we went from the east coast where all of our family is to Vegas, which we don't know anybody out there. So like now I don't have anybody either. And I have to depend on this guy who. You know, I love him, obviously he's my husband, but like, that's all, that's all. I just have him like
[00:10:19] Jayla Rae Ardelean: yeah, yeah.
[00:10:20] Jeanette Peterson: Sucks. And so I, I went on a spiral of finding myself to, I found a job working in the military as a contractor, doing the same thing I was doing. So it felt weird. I was out of uniform, but I was still doing the same thing, but I also was like, I still don't really wanna do this. Like, even though I'm out and I didn't choose this, I still don't really want to do this.
[00:10:47] Jeanette Peterson: So then I tried real estate. Then I tried YouTube. I tried like all of these different things trying to figure out like, who am I actually? Who is Jeanette? Does Jeanette actually like these things? Or is this a Sergeant Peterson thing? [00:11:00] like, who am I? Am I, am I a soft person? Do I have emotions? Can I have emotions?
[00:11:05] Jeanette Peterson: Can I just leave my house and not tell anybody? And like go out of town? Like, it was like a big, like thing, like deconditioning, the thing that is the military to becoming the person that I am today, it was hard. It was not easy.
[00:11:21] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah.
[00:11:22] Jeanette Peterson: Especially when for women, people don't realize one that women serve two that black women.
[00:11:29] Jeanette Peterson: And three, they see my husband, who's a white dude and they're like, oh, thank you for your service. I'm like, motherfucker I've been in longer than he has like come on. Yeah. And that's not their, I went to Iraq. He's never been anywhere.
[00:11:42] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah.
[00:11:42] Jeanette Peterson: At that point time,
[00:11:43] Jayla Rae Ardelean: like those assumptions, those assumptions.
[00:11:45] Jeanette Peterson: Yes. It was like
[00:11:46] Jayla Rae Ardelean: mm-hmm
[00:11:47] Jeanette Peterson: it was just like rough. I don't know. And so like being, becoming the spouse late in life and just. Trying to get along with spouses that are at a different stage in their [00:12:00] spouse hood being in the military spouse was very difficult because there are a lot of things they didn't get, right?
[00:12:06] Jeanette Peterson: Like how the actual life of the military is like being in the military versus being on the spouse. Those are two different sides. Like mm-hmm, , some people are like, I served too. I'm like, I love you. You do do hard things. But you don't serve in the same capacity. Those are two different things to me.
[00:12:22] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Mm-hmm,
[00:12:23] Jeanette Peterson: like, I I've been on the side that serves. Yeah. And I will say taboo or not being the one that leaves is a fuck ton. More easy than like being the one that stays behind that is not easy. I'm not, that is not easy. Not, yeah.
[00:12:37] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. Absolutely.
[00:12:39] Jeanette Peterson: Like, yeah. It's, it's not easy. Cause I was, I did both. Being the one that left was like, all right, I'm out here.
[00:12:45] Jeanette Peterson: I'm doing my thing. I don't like, it's just freeing. I don't know how to explain that. But being the one that's behind, you're like worried. And you're like trying to figure out what day to day life is and like change your whole everything and everything you see remind you of that [00:13:00] person. And the one that's gone, it's like, oh, this is a new adventure.
[00:13:03] Jeanette Peterson: This is a new place. This is a new thing. New people like it. I dunno, it's different.
[00:13:08] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. And I think what, you've, what you've touched on in terms of the identity shift that you had too, is that, um, the military. Expects your primary identity to be whatever it is, whatever role that you are fulfilling within the military.
[00:13:27] Jeanette Peterson: Yes.
[00:13:28] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And you can use, you can use your rank to just, that's probably the easiest way to describe that. Um, and then when that is taken away and. Your brain, would your brain, everything about you would want to replace that in some capacity and would want to say, like, I need to find something just as fulfilling about my identity, but when there's nothing there except spouse, mom, and then all of like, and then, oh, I just moved to a new place.
[00:13:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I [00:14:00] don't know anybody. Like, there's nothing that's going to be. Equitable to that.
[00:14:05] Jeanette Peterson: Yes.
[00:14:05] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Does that make sense?
[00:14:07] Jeanette Peterson: And when you're in the military, you, you don't have to say anything about who you are. They see your rank, they see your name. Yeah. They, they already have a certain expectation of who you are and what kind of person you are based on that.
[00:14:20] Jeanette Peterson: You don't even have to say anything. You walk in the room. They're like, oh, that that's tech Sergeant, whatever. She looks young, she's probably on fire. That's tech Sergeant, blah, blah. He's old. He's probably really shitty. Like they already have these preconceived notions of who you are and what kind of person you are just by looking at you in uniform.
[00:14:36] Jeanette Peterson: It's not like that when you're on the outside, I have to like, and it's not that I have to prove myself, but I feel like. I am this badass. I need you to recognize that I'm this badass without me having to tell you that I'm a badass, because I'm not used to having to tell you because you should just look at me and know that I'm a badass.
[00:14:53] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Ooh oh, I love that.
[00:14:58] Jeanette Peterson: so it's so hard. [00:15:00]
[00:15:00] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. Um, and I know you said that he was 11 years in when you guys began your relat I, you were 11 years in how many years in was he? Oh, that's right, because you outranked him. So
[00:15:10] Jeanette Peterson: he was. Four.
[00:15:12] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh, wow. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Okay. That puts a lot into perspective as well.
[00:15:18] Jeanette Peterson: so I'm seven years older than.
[00:15:21] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh, plot twist,
[00:15:24] Jeanette Peterson: a young thing.
[00:15:25] Jayla Rae Ardelean: plot plot twist. There's also an age difference.
[00:15:31] Jeanette Peterson: yes.
[00:15:33] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Okay. Okay. Yeah. And usually, and I will say that usually the, the age difference is in reverse so that wasn't even. I'll say that I had a bias toward that. I wasn't even, that didn't even enter my mind.
[00:15:44] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I was like, no, they're the same age. how could that be possible if you outranked him? That's not virtue. That is not possible. so I'm glad we broke that down. Um, but something else that you mentioned was that [00:16:00] your spouse experience did not match. The spouse hood. I think you used the term spouse hood.
[00:16:07] Jayla Rae Ardelean: That's amazing. Um, did not match the experience of the other spouses that you were surrounded by. And that's actually part of what makes you a late career mill spouse. But because you have that context of being a veteran and already having served. That's another ingredient here where there's going to be a bigger gap between you and the other spouses.
[00:16:35] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And even if they're just beginning, you know, their experience as a spouse, they're a new spouse. Technically you're a new spouse.
[00:16:44] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah.
[00:16:44] Jayla Rae Ardelean: You're both new spouses. But you're in completely different places. Can you talk more about that gap and maybe some of the challenges that you had in those first three years until you really kind of came into this portion of your identity and had a little [00:17:00] bit more acceptance?
[00:17:02] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah, so I, it was really hard because all the, the enlisted spouses that I would come in contact with were much younger, even though I had just started having kids, they had young kids, but we were. At two different ages, two different walks of life, two different like mentalities at that point because they, they, you know, they just met their spouse.
[00:17:24] Jeanette Peterson: They were young, they just came in. They had never really had a job. They were all about being a mom, which there's nothing like, I love being a mom, but I didn't want that to be my primary identity. I didn't wanna just be like, oh, Jeanette's a mom period. No, Jeanette is this, this, this, and this and this. I'm not just a mom.
[00:17:40] Jeanette Peterson: Like that is part of me. That's not who I am as a person where that's where their whole identity was. Which is fine. I just didn't want that for me. And so, like, it was hard for me to like connect with them on different things. And like, after, you know, living life for a while, you try, you figure out what you do want and you don't want.
[00:17:57] Jeanette Peterson: And like some of the things that they were doing with their [00:18:00] kids, I just didn't wanna do, like, it was just different. I was like, all right, that's not really my jam. And so then I would meet like officer spouses who had lived a little bit longer. They were typically older because they had gone to college and they had, most of them had met their spouses in college instead of in high school.
[00:18:15] Jeanette Peterson: There was still like a disconnect because it was almost like, they were like, well, I went to college, so I'm not, they didn't say I'm better, but it felt like they thought they were better. And I was like, look, I am, I am just Jeanette. Like I did not go to college. I joined the military. That was my college experience.
[00:18:37] Jeanette Peterson: But also like, like who cares? Like, you're not, you're not better than anybody. We're just all people trying to like figure life out and trying to figure out what things are. And so I became a, a key spouse at our last unit and. I was trying to help and trying to like, do all these things and like, Hey, like I was on the booster club at the squadron [00:19:00] that I was at.
[00:19:01] Jeanette Peterson: Like, these are things that I know that they might need or might need help with. Let's try and like help them out. And I just kept feeling like I was getting shut down and I was like, all right, like, what does the point of this? Like, I'm not, this is not feel like a good place for me. So I like stopped doing that.
[00:19:16] Jeanette Peterson: But it was hard to like really connect with them. Like I would find one or two spouses that I would really connect with on some other level. Like we both like to read, or we both. Whatever it was. And we would connect on that, but it was never just like right outta the gate. I'm connecting with all these spouses, cuz we're all at the same level.
[00:19:33] Jeanette Peterson: I've always been the outsider. I've I've come to love that.
[00:19:39] Jayla Rae Ardelean: yeah, that, that becomes a part of your identity too. Like, yes, I'm the outsider. This is just, this is just my shit. This is how I . Yeah, this is how I do, um, Yeah, and I, this is also, I mean, I hear a ton of spouses talk about how hard it is to make friends with other spouses. [00:20:00] And I think. You've touched on this in a different way, because you're pointing toward all of your differences between each other, that basically create barriers for connection.
[00:20:16] Jeanette Peterson: Yes.
[00:20:17] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And those barriers, um, are manageable when. It's only a couple. And when it's things that end up not really mattering, like yeah. If you did the inverse of that, if you made a friend and they didn't like to read you wouldn't care, you'd be like, oh cool. Whatever. That's just not something we talk about.
[00:20:38] Jayla Rae Ardelean: That's fine. But when the barriers are life experiences, age motherhood,
[00:20:49] Jeanette Peterson: yeah.
[00:20:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Contextual experience to the military. Uh, The list goes on. Um, Those are incredible gaps. Those are [00:21:00] really big gaps and trying to bridge those gaps with other spouses takes a ton of intention. And sometimes it's not worth it because sometimes.
[00:21:11] Jayla Rae Ardelean: That other person, like, you're just not, you're just not really vibing with anyway. So you're like, why would I, why would I put all of this effort into doing that? And I think part of the reason this becomes so hard is that we are already so exhausted with just life in just life in general, the experience of being a military spouse, that those that becomes a barrier.
[00:21:39] Jayla Rae Ardelean: too. Does, does any of this kind of resonate with you?
[00:21:42] Jeanette Peterson: No, 100%. I'll talk about my experience and people are just like, don't understand at all. And I'm like, well, that's a part of me that I can't really share because you don't understand. And that's fine that you don't understand,
[00:21:54] Jayla Rae Ardelean: mm-hmm,
[00:21:56] Jeanette Peterson: like they didn't really seem interested either, which is fine, cause I'm sure they get it from their [00:22:00] husbands all day.
[00:22:01] Jeanette Peterson: But like, if you don't wanna hear about it, I don't wanna share it. I'll just give that to myself. So then I'm just sitting there, like nodding my head and being this smile girl, like yes. Mm-hmm and I'm like, this is not who I am either. Like this sucks. Like,
[00:22:15] Jayla Rae Ardelean: yeah. So have you found any spouses who previously served to connect with, like, whether that was online or in person or do you have those people in your life now, now that it's been, you know, seven years of this experience or are you still struggling to find those people?
[00:22:31] Jeanette Peterson: Not that are spouses now. Like I like have my friends that I served with, but not that are like, I've met them as they were spouses served. Because we're all a little broken and rough around the edges and I've done a lot of work and some of them are still in that rough place.
[00:22:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah.
[00:22:49] Jeanette Peterson: Cause it's, it is not easy. Like the things that happen in the military are, like I said, it's like the most toxic relationship I've been in, especially for women who like [00:23:00] it's a male dominated world. Let's get that outta the way. Like it's super patriarchal and you have to play that male game. And if you don't.
[00:23:08] Jeanette Peterson: Then you're the weak girl, the one that cries too much, the one that needs to like this is the military, suck it up. Buttercup kind of thing.
[00:23:16] Jayla Rae Ardelean: The bitch.
[00:23:16] Jeanette Peterson: And yeah. or like the raging bitch. Who's like, whyt she married? She's just a bitch. Or they just say all these other negative things about her for no reason.
[00:23:26] Jeanette Peterson: And so you start to take that in as part of your identity too. And that was a big shedding that I had to do and like really. Really like work hard on becoming who I am, who I actually am. You know what I mean? And not what people were saying.
[00:23:42] Jeanette Peterson: So a lot of people that I do meet that are spouse that are veterans, rather female veterans are still not willing to go through the hard stuff, cuz it's not, it's not fun and music.
[00:23:52] Jayla Rae Ardelean: No. No. And this shedding that you're talking about, especially through the lens of [00:24:00] having experienced a toxic relationship, which like, I'm laughing. Um, it's not funny, but like I'm laughing cuz we're like we're here on a podcast and we're talking about this stuff. Um, but this is actually quite serious that here I am speaking to a veteran who would describe her relationship with the military as a toxic relationship, that she is still working through shedding.
[00:24:28] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And, um, uh, what was the term that you used before you were ?
[00:24:36] Jeanette Peterson: Oh, I was like, um, like indoctor like ization myself, like, like, yeah, you used
[00:24:44] Jayla Rae Ardelean: a beautiful term before and now I've lost it, but, um, yeah. That speaks to that de shedding too, of like, oh, you know, I mean, you've been, you've been out for seven years now and I can imagine that stuff still enters your mind of like, can I do that?
[00:24:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Can I [00:25:00] not do that? Or, you know, who's gonna have what to say about this thing that I'm thinking about doing
[00:25:06] Jeanette Peterson: had a dream like two nights ago about like, I need to make sure that I'm bringing my uniform. I, I don't even know where my uniform back. Like those things that you're just like, I, I need to have this, I need to have this.
[00:25:18] Jeanette Peterson: I need to have this. I don't, I don't know.
[00:25:19] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I mean, I still, I still have dreams about my previous work history too, that, you know, I was in the service industry for a while and, you know, walking into a busy restaurant and they're like, you have five tables. Like that's always my , that's always my nightmare.
[00:25:34] Jayla Rae Ardelean: So when you're talking about like, oh my gosh, I need my, my uniform. I need this, I need this checklist. It's like, it's these stress dreams that your subconscious is still kind of like working through and doesn't really know. What to do with, and so then it just plops you into, a previous experience that's kind of, I guess, is Tom petty says like somewhere in between, like a memory and a dream.
[00:25:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Cause like those [00:26:00] things have happened, but you're recreating them and. Still processing through them. I'm not comparing the service industry to the military. That's not what I was doing. I just mean, I just mean empathetically. I understand what you're saying. That those things come up and, and you're like, why
[00:26:18] Jeanette Peterson: yeah.
[00:26:19] Jayla Rae Ardelean: For what purpose? Why do I, why do I need to be dreaming about this?
[00:26:25] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah, it's hard. Yeah.
[00:26:27] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Um, So when it comes to this term late career milspouse. So obviously I coined this term and , anytime someone asks me like, oh, well, what does that mean? Or, um, what. Does that mean that you were later in your career or they were later in their career and they start to ask me all these questions and I'm like, yes.
[00:26:50] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And yes. And yeah, it's, you know, it's going to, it's not gonna be a cookie cutter definition for everybody because there are such unique [00:27:00] circumstances and yours is one of them. Um, but how do you see. That term kind of helping other spouses in the future who like may fall into that category.
[00:27:12] Jeanette Peterson: It gives them a place to be, because like, for me, I, like I said before, like I was like, I don't wanna be a military spouse, like, cuz in my mind that military spouse is one of two things.
[00:27:24] Jeanette Peterson: The 18 year old who's never had any life experience or. Two, the depend upon is toing around 15 snot red kids. Like I didn't wanna be either of those things. Like I was like gross and gross. So like being a late term career spouse means to me, I have my own career. I have my own thing and I became a spouse, not like straight out the gate.
[00:27:50] Jeanette Peterson: Like that was not me. And that's fine. And I love that because that gives me a space to be like, guess I am a late term career spouse. And I love being that because my [00:28:00] husband's career. Doesn't define who I am as a person. I am not his career. I am like, I am a veteran, but I am not in the military anymore. Like, that's not me.
[00:28:10] Jeanette Peterson: I have my own things. I do my own things. I am a mom, but I also have a business. I work for the VA. I do all these other things and I'm not defined by one word. You know what I'm saying? I it's more than that. It's more comprehensive. And even if he was in the military longer and I came in after that's still a different phase because he has more experience.
[00:28:35] Jeanette Peterson: He's not like making $2 an hour. He has things, he understands life at this point. And I'm coming in to be like a support system to him in a different way than if I was just like, it feels opposite almost. Like if, if I'm a late term career spouse, I'm supporting him. Whereas if I'm just coming in as a spouse, it feels like he's supporting me.
[00:28:56] Jeanette Peterson: And I don't. Feeling like the [00:29:00] woe is me woman. I don't know. Does that make sense?
[00:29:02] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah, absolutely. But I love what you said about, you know, it gives us a space to be, um,
[00:29:08] Jeanette Peterson: yeah
[00:29:09] Jayla Rae Ardelean: cause the terms I hear thrown around a lot are new spouse or new, significant other if you're unmarried, um, and seasoned spouse and it's like, are these the only two categories?
[00:29:22] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. That exist? Like what about all the people who are in the middle? There's no, there's no term for that. And specifically there's no term to describe a spouse who had a whole life, career and history prior to entering their their military experience with, you know, with their spouse. Like there's, there's no term to describe that.
[00:29:45] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I do think it's a very specific kind of experience. Because even for other late career spouses, myself included, um, who didn't serve what we are missing when we enter military [00:30:00] life is context. We don't understand anything about military life, because all we have are biases and assumptions and, um, stories that we've heard from other people.
[00:30:13] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And like those have informed the way we think about the military pop culture references. You know, I talk a little bit about that in the episode with Sam who I know you're buds with. Yeah. Love you, Sam. Um, and you know, we talk a little bit about that, so. This, this is why your situation is so unique is because you entered
[00:30:37] Jayla Rae Ardelean: at a point in which you did have all of that context and that context didn't really benefit you more either. It actually just created more of a gap between you and the other spouses and
[00:30:51] Jeanette Peterson: right.
[00:30:52] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Experiencing that and still experiencing that that's never over, like, that's just gonna happen over and over again, and you're gonna learn how [00:31:00] to handle it better and how to react to it better.
[00:31:03] Jayla Rae Ardelean: But it doesn't mean it just goes away over time. It's just, , it's just like a part of your existence now. but I think it's really important to, to highlight that. So, thank you for sharing all of that.
[00:31:16] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Uh, and then there was one other thing. So I have been. I wouldn't say I've been vocal enough about this on Instagram, but it's something that I have brought to Instagram that has received a lot of feedback, a lot of positive feedback and that is, Partly because just, just who I am.
[00:31:36] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And also because I entered this lifestyle much later in life, I talk about the fact that I don't have what you would expect to be like a typical amount of patriotism. for a military spouse. I say typical in air quotes, cuz I don't I don't know how to like measure how to measure that. I just know that I am deficient.
[00:31:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: that's [00:32:00] just, that's all I know. Um, and so when I see things happen in the military, through the lens of my husband specifically, or I hear about experiences from other spouses, uh, that isn't okay with me and that doesn't really match up with it, doesn't match up with what I would hope for a military life experience to be, um, And I also just don't appreciate like how , how the United States got to be the United States and all of that history and how the military has been like, um, a prime factor in that and everything.
[00:32:38] Jayla Rae Ardelean: It's just, every time I post about this on Instagram, I get some sort of response of, oh my gosh, me too. Or it's, I've heard a spouse say to me, and if you're listening to this, I'm, I'm just gonna use your words really quickly. But. She said, oh, my experience as a military spouse killed my patriotism. It drain it, drained it.[00:33:00]
[00:33:00] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I was like, holy shit. That's, that's a whole other thing. Like I just thought my relationship was tenuous at best and I'm still working through it. And I'm, you know, trying to develop more respect. For the military because I came in being somewhat disrespectful. Um, so there's that but that's a whole other thing.
[00:33:22] Jayla Rae Ardelean: So when I'm posting about this on Instagram, your response was imagine being a spouse, black and a vet, it was hard being active. So do you wanna tell us what, what you mean by that?
[00:33:35] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah, so like, like there's like. Certain understanding of being in the military is that like, if you're a white male, everything is good in the military, but that's not the only people who serve it's everybody who serves.
[00:33:51] Jeanette Peterson: It looks like America pretty much like there's Asian people. They're people who join the military so they can get citizenship. [00:34:00] There are Hispanics, Filipinos, Koreans, black people I've met so many different races in the. But then you see these things on TV and you see these people that you're like, all right, we're serving together.
[00:34:14] Jeanette Peterson: We are supposed to have each other's back when it comes to like, if somebody comes and shoots us, I have your back. But you're saying these things where I know you don't actually care about me and my family, but you can't say like, then it's something like, well not you, you, you know, those other people that.
[00:34:36] Jeanette Peterson: Look act or where you're from, where you were from those people, not you specifically. I'm like those people are my people and we're all Americans and it's almo it almost made me feel like I wasn't American because I'm black because these people think that they're American or that whole like patriotism [00:35:00] movement, they happened and was.
[00:35:02] Jeanette Peterson: I'm actually a Patriot. Like I love America.
[00:35:06] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Mm-hmm
[00:35:06] Jeanette Peterson: but I also understand it's fucked up.
[00:35:08] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. You can love it and expect accountability. Yes. For when we are fucking up.
[00:35:14] Jeanette Peterson: Yes.
[00:35:15] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yes.
[00:35:16] Jeanette Peterson: it doesn't like, I don't like idolize it. Like, I am blessed that I am born here because I have opportunities that I wouldn't, if I was born in other countries.
[00:35:25] Jeanette Peterson: But also it's not perfect. Like I'm not gonna idolize America and be like, this is the greatest place on earth and fuck everybody else America. Like, that's not a thing for me. It's like, I am glad to be here, but this guy who I'm serving next to also is a racist, like straight up racist and. I joined. So that way he can have freedom of speech, but at the same time, I don't want him to like murder me in the back alley because I'm black.
[00:35:56] Jeanette Peterson: Like it is, it was a very scary thing [00:36:00] in Virginia. And I felt like the Virginia to me is not really the south. It's not the south, but it's not the north. It's like this weird inner middle thing. Whereas some south, some like tolerant people. And so like, I. Every time I would be in uniform. People would open doors for me and be nice to me.
[00:36:18] Jeanette Peterson: If I was not in uniform, it was very clear that people did not hold doors open for me. They did not look at me in a second way. They didn't, it's like they didn't even see me as a person. So like having that experience and then becoming a spouse and not having that as just like a. I am a person to like walk around in as a uniform and be like, I do serve, I am a productive member of society, which shouldn't matter anyways.
[00:36:44] Jeanette Peterson: But like, it was very hard for me to be seeing all these things on TV and then having people look at me like, what are you gonna do about this? I, I don't, I'm just, I'm here with you watching the same thing. We are both in uniform and I can't control this [00:37:00] anymore than you. This hurts my heart. And I hope it hurts yours too, but we have to figure out a way to fix this as a whole.
[00:37:06] Jeanette Peterson: Like, this is not, this is not a one person fix it kind of deal. very hard, especially with like mixed kids and all of that too, like, it's just sad and scary at the same time.
[00:37:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: So your uniform was basically a veil of protection.
[00:37:25] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah.
[00:37:25] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And when you exited the military, that. Level of protection also disappeared.
[00:37:31] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And it's not that you felt safe in the military necessarily.
[00:37:38] Jeanette Peterson: Right.
[00:37:38] Jayla Rae Ardelean: But now that it's gone, there's this sense of safety that has also been lost?
[00:37:44] Jeanette Peterson: Yes, because I know that even if I was in the Backwood somewhere, And so I'm like sun downtown. If I was in uniform, they would still give me a level of respect that would not be held if I had not had the uniform up.
[00:37:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. [00:38:00]
[00:38:02] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I think what, um, why I wanted to bring that part of your perspective and your experience to the podcast. And also just to this particular. Conversation about late career mil spouses is that there's still a lot of work to be done. There's still a lot to fix and part of why, and I don't wanna put words in your mouth, but I think that part of why you also describe your relationship with the military and exiting it as a toxic relationship is because of how life is different for you now. And like those two things contrast like dramatically and having exited it. You're you're still, but you're still in it though in a way, because yeah.
[00:38:59] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah.
[00:38:59] Jayla Rae Ardelean: [00:39:00] Cause your spouse is still serving. And so you're still hearing about everything and your life choices are now being dictated by this entity.
[00:39:08] Jayla Rae Ardelean: That was the same before they were still being dictated by this outside entity. Yeah. But now it's like, oh, should I have more control over my life? Oh, just kidding. I don't
[00:39:18] Jeanette Peterson: right.
[00:39:18] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Like just kidding.
[00:39:19] Jeanette Peterson: You don't you don't have any, no,
[00:39:21] Jayla Rae Ardelean: no. There's no, there's no, there's no sense of, um, control. And then for your particular experience, this loss of safety as well.
[00:39:30] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Um, not that it was super safe before too, but this just, this concept of your uniform. Providing more safety and not, not being with it anymore. And also being in an interracial couple and experiencing that as well. There's just so much, there's so much to like unpack here and to like, get into the nitty gritty of, but I just, I wanted to thank you [00:40:00] for bringing it to this conversation, cuz I think this perspective is really important and Anyone out there, if you are highlighting, uh, experiences in the military as spouses, I hope that you are looking for those negative experiences.
[00:40:16] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah.
[00:40:16] Jayla Rae Ardelean: As well. And not just the positive stuff of it's all about mindset.
[00:40:23] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah, no,
[00:40:23] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I got through it with my mindset that that shit has been driving me. Driving me a little bit nuts lately. Jeanette
[00:40:32] Jeanette Peterson: no, that's not. No. Yeah, because like you're in the military and you're like, this is I'm serving my country and I'm doing a good thing and I'm trying to help and I'm trying to make everything better.
[00:40:44] Jeanette Peterson: But even in the military, it's so toxic to women, to black people, to Hispanic people. There's cliques, there's all these sorts of things that you're. It [00:41:00] doesn't, it doesn't end anywhere. So it is toxic because you're like, you have to almost be okay with it to survive it if that makes sense, you have to like turn an eye to all the isms, sexism, racism, homophobic things to go through it, which sucks too cuz then you have like, no, you can't. You can't stick up for anybody, which is the reason you started serving, right? Like to defend yeah. You defend yourself.
[00:41:33] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. Well, in, in this, I mean, you're defending a country that is already the, all the isms that you just shared and five more
[00:41:45] Jeanette Peterson: yeah. Yes.
[00:41:46] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Are just. coursing through everybody's everybody's veins, like whether they're awake to it or not, and you are defending us. You defended [00:42:00] us
[00:42:01] Jeanette Peterson: yes.
[00:42:01] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And who the hell is defending you? Like how does this work? It's not right. And it's not equitable. Is there anything that has brought you I don't know, comfort or solace, or maybe even just a little bit of hope after exiting the military.
[00:42:21] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Is there anything that you've seen that is putting us on the right path, like putting us in the right direction or has it just been a complete. Shit storm it's okay. If it has been just a, just a complet shit. storm.
[00:42:36] Jeanette Peterson: A complete shit storm that I'm like, yeah. That's gonna help. No, cause it seems like every time we take a couple steps forward, we get slammed backwards.
[00:42:44] Jeanette Peterson: I started believing in God, and started praying because I can't do anything by myself. It's not working. this is not gonna work
[00:42:54] Jayla Rae Ardelean: it's not gonna work on your own.
[00:42:56] Jeanette Peterson: no.
[00:42:57] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh man. I didn't realize that's how [00:43:00] you kind of began your,
[00:43:02] Jeanette Peterson: how I cope.
[00:43:02] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. How you cope, how you began your faith journey.
[00:43:04] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I, I mean, I'm not a religious person, so I can't like speak to that specifically, but there are a lot of people in the world who you. They don't grow up that way. And then yeah. Some life circumstances lead them down that path. And then that is just part of it for them. And that's, that becomes, that becomes a central focus.
[00:43:25] Jayla Rae Ardelean: It sounds like that's, that's what has happened for you?
[00:43:30] Jeanette Peterson: Yeah, it was after I got out, after we moved to Vegas, I was like, I don't have anything. Like the thing that was bigger than myself rejected me and I felt very hurt and, um, Bitter. And I was like, well, God's not supposed to reject me. Let's go try God.
[00:43:47] Jeanette Peterson: Hasn't either rejected me yet. So we're going with God sticking with God.
[00:43:51] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Wow. Well, and even the fact that you called it an entity and like experiencing a rejection [00:44:00] from the entity that was supposed to protect and defend you as well. Um,
[00:44:05] Jeanette Peterson: yeah
[00:44:05] Jayla Rae Ardelean: that didn't happen. And so looking for another outside entity to offer that to you and more to offer everything that you were missing as well.
[00:44:16] Jeanette Peterson: Mm-hmm
[00:44:17] Jayla Rae Ardelean: thank you for sharing that. That's so,
[00:44:19] Jeanette Peterson: yeah
[00:44:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: that's really powerful. And also it's really sad that it gets to that. Sorry, I don't know if that's no, it's really sad. That's really sad that it gets to that level, that, that, and, and I know that your experience is not like unique in that way, either.
[00:44:36] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Like there's.
[00:44:38] Jeanette Peterson: ,I wish it was unique in that way. You know what I mean? Like I wish nobody else had to go through those things. I spent a lot of time in therapy. I'm still in therapy, also medicated cuz yes. But, uh, yeah, it was not easy. It's easier now after doing it for so long and like trying to be better it's not easy and it's [00:45:00] like, I just wish more people would one realize that mental health is.
[00:45:05] Jeanette Peterson: A thing, like, go get checked, like go talk to somebody. I don't care if you're in the military still or not like military one source has free stuff. You can go talk to a counselor with mm-hmm because it's not worth it. Like, I love the military for what it did for me. Like, I would not be where I'm at without it, comma however, it fucked me up also.
[00:45:29] Jeanette Peterson: So like, go get help. It's not worth and you can live with God and meds and therapy and all the things like God made therapists. Whatever
[00:45:41] Jayla Rae Ardelean: that should be your next, your next Instagram post, Jeanette God made therapists.
[00:45:45] Jeanette Peterson: So go see one,
[00:45:48] Jayla Rae Ardelean: go see one. I appreciate you ending our conversation that way, because I think it's really important to recognize that, um, you actually have. Two [00:46:00] entities or communities that are telling you that it's not okay to pursue mental health, one being the military and second the black community.
[00:46:08] Jeanette Peterson: Yes.
[00:46:08] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And how that is not okay. On, on both of those counts,
[00:46:13] Jeanette Peterson: right.
[00:46:13] Jayla Rae Ardelean: To pursue that for yourself and the fact that you're still doing it and you recognize that you needed it. Um, and that it's okay to be going to therapy and to pursue medication and to and to help your circumstances as much as you can.
[00:46:32] Jayla Rae Ardelean: It it's, it's really admirable. So thank you for saying that here too. um, yeah. All right. Well, tell everyone where they can find you online a little bit about your business and, um, you know, Who, who you are in terms of what you do online
[00:46:55] Jeanette Peterson: okay. So i, I help women who [00:47:00] are. Trying to figure out what their purpose is.
[00:47:02] Jeanette Peterson: I try and help them with their spirituality, their faith and their business. I'm a rocking marketing, strategist love, launching do all the things. And you can find me on the grams at Jeanette dot Peterson. And that's pretty much where I hang out. And then you'll find me through other things through there.
[00:47:21] Jeanette Peterson: Just find me on the grams.
[00:47:22] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. She also has a podcast.
[00:47:24] Jeanette Peterson: Oh yeah, I do. it's called, forgot about that. It's called unapologetically unstoppable because I feel like when you're unapologetic, you're calling you become an unstoppable, expansive force and. Go rock the world girl. Yes, yes.
[00:47:41] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yes. All right, Jeanette. Well, thank you so much for being here and for everybody who's interested all of these links and, um, Jeanette's bio is in the show notes. So check that out, go say, Hey, she's just like me. She loves the DM's. So just, just go say hi to her. Let [00:48:00] her know what you took away from this conversation, any questions that you might have for her, um, and keep the conversation going. And we will be back with the late career milspouse series.
[00:48:12] Jeanette Peterson: Thank you for having me. Yay.
[00:48:14] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yay we did it