How Being a Late Career Milspouse Affects Your Identity
How Being a Late Career Milspouse Affects Your Identity
Get ready for the truth about what it means to have a strong identity before joining the military lifestyle! In this episode I talk with Jessica Wright, as she vulnerably shares her point of view with us. Becoming a Late Career Milspouse is like this:
Don't know how or where you need to catch up? Yep.
Hearing archaic advice from spouses who've been doing this for a long time? Yep.
Feeling like your identity prior to becoming a milspouse is painful to change or even let go of? Absolutely.
This is Episode #4 of The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast series highlighting Late Career Milspouse/Milso stories + experiences ❤️
Topics we cover:
How Jessica met her service member (same as me!)
Some advantages + disadvantages of having a strong identity prior to joining the military lifestyle
How Top Gun shapes the way we knew of the military (we had this convo before the new movie release)
The crap other spouses have said to her while experiencing tough deployment circumstances
—————————————————
Jessica lives in the Seattle area with her Navy spouse and dachshund, Hershey. She's an Enneagram 2 and enjoys cooking, baking, crafting, and drinking coffee.
Jessica is obsessed with degrees and programs that have the word “transformation” in them because she believes in seeking continual growth and learning how to embrace change. It's been said that she takes no shit but does no harm. She's on a mission to help people believe that they can make a big difference in the world once they learn how to reframe their challenges and show up in their life in a way that makes them excited.
She truly believes she’s the funniest person she knows and always wants to be around other changemakers, but can often be found narrating the thoughts inside every dog’s head that she sees.
Find her on social:
@jwrightlife
Wright Life Coaching
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jessicarwright/
Learn more:
www.jessicawright.online
Snag her FREE 12 Journal Prompts for Changemakers:
https://bit.ly/3KMYNrj
------------------------------------
The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Milspouse Mentor.
Let's chat! @mil.spouse
—————————————————
Because I want to keep producing episodes for you, consider supporting the podcast below ❤️
TRANSCRIPT: How Being a Late Career Milspouse Affects Your Identity With Jessica Wright
[00:00:00] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Hey there. Welcome back to the heart of a mill spouse podcast. Today. I am joined by Jessica Wright. So Jessica lives in Seattle area with her Navy spouse and dachshund Hershey. This is something we have in common. she is an Enneagram two and enjoys cooking baking crafting and drinking coffee. Jessica is obsessed with degrees and programs that have the word transformation in them because she believes in seeking continual growth and learning how to embrace change.
[00:00:33] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I'll include the rest of her bio in the show notes so that you can check her out. But otherwise, Jessica, I'm so glad that you're here. Thanks for being.
[00:00:41] Jessica Wright: Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to talk to you.
[00:00:44] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Of course. Yay. Okay, so let's dive in, but let's first start with how you met your husband and what your awareness level of the military was prior to that meeting.
[00:00:59] Jessica Wright: oh [00:01:00] boy. Um, So we met when I was 30. Uh, we met on OK. Cupid, a dating app and, uh, we lived about 60 miles apart. I was down in Seattle and he was up on the base. So it was interesting. I, um, swore that I would never. Be with someone in the military.
[00:01:29] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh my God. I was the same way.
[00:01:32] Jessica Wright: Yeah. I was actually the, at the time, the pastor of a Mennonite church, which if you know anything about Mennonites, they're not so into the military so I had an extra, uh, dose of, I will never date someone in the military, but you know, I'm not sure if, how many of our listeners know this, but the best way to scare someone away on a dating app is to tell them that you're a pastor.
[00:01:59] Jessica Wright: [00:02:00] Uh, it's a great way to get ghosted.
[00:02:02] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh wow.
[00:02:03] Jessica Wright: And so when I started talking to my husband, my now husband He did not get scared away. He asked really good questions and, he did not have what he did in his profile, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky boy. And, uh, when I asked him and he said, what he did, I was like, uhoh I, this, this could be a problem.
[00:02:26] Jessica Wright: However, we've been talking for a few days. I already. Really like him and, you know what, he asked me really good questions when I told him what I did. And I think I owe him the same. And a few days later we met up for the first time in person and I just, yeah and yeah, that was it. I knew I couldn't let him go, so.
[00:02:50] Jessica Wright: Okay. Um, It was, it was an interesting start
[00:02:55] Jayla Rae Ardelean: oh my gosh. I didn't realize how much we were gonna have in common when it comes to [00:03:00] meeting our spouse. Uh, so I'll just, if no one has ever heard me say this before Jeremy and I met on Tinder
[00:03:07] Jessica Wright: nice.
[00:03:09] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And we both were more or less serial monogamists. And so we were kind of just on Tinder to just like date around and have fun.
[00:03:18] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Um, It was then later known as a hookup app at this time, I don't think it had got like, quite hit that mark.
[00:03:27] Jessica Wright: Yeah, no judgment. I was on Tinder as well for the same reason for a while. Yeah, that's fine.
[00:03:34] Jayla Rae Ardelean: but he also didn't include what he did in his, in his bio, but I remember his bio pretty. I think I wrote it in an essay at some point I should.
[00:03:44] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Because it was hilarious. He clearly had no idea what he was doing. And I found that very endearing.
[00:03:52] Jessica Wright: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:03:53] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I think he said he worked for the government, which I was like, what the hell does that mean? [00:04:00]
[00:04:01] Jessica Wright: So sneaky.
[00:04:02] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I know that could mean so many different things, but The fact that you were on, you know, this dating app and everything, and people were like shying away from the fact that you were a pastor and he was just like, no, tell me more and was actually curious about that. Um, I think it says so much, uh, there's always those like red flags that pop up pretty quickly because in that environment, on those apps, it just. It's just so easy to like swipe or turn away from somebody, right?
[00:04:32] Jessica Wright: Mm-hmm
[00:04:32] Jayla Rae Ardelean: so it's like, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope. Lots of nopes. A few yeses.
[00:04:38] Jessica Wright: Yeah, for sure. I think he messaged me first on the app and asked, um, A question, like, do you prefer Backstreet or Backstreet boys or in sync? Like that was his opening question. And I later found out that's what he asked everyone. That was like a form question.
[00:04:58] Jessica Wright: So I fell for it. [00:05:00] However, I was like, just the fact that you sent me like two full, complete sentences with no grammatical errors instead of like, just Hey or hi, or yo was. I don't even care that it was a form question. It, you were like leaps and bounds beyond everyone else. Um, I can't believe someone else didn't respond to him first.
[00:05:22] Jessica Wright: Honestly, I feel, I feel lucky cuz I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had that experience.
[00:05:27] Jayla Rae Ardelean: absolutely. Yeah. Oh my gosh. The opening line. I don't, I mean, I, I do remember us having. A conversation for probably about a day on the app. And then we kind of like migrated off mm-hmm and we were texting each other, but just the, yeah, I I kind of wanted to know more about his experience on the app.
[00:05:50] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Like once we actually met in person and it was same gonna be, we were gonna be together. This was a thing. Um, but at the same time, I also didn't wanna know . Like, I [00:06:00] don't know if you fed me any lines. I don't know if I really wanna know that, like, it's fine.
[00:06:05] Jessica Wright: I wanted to know everything and I asked, I like grilled him about his, I just cuz I'm so I was so curious about like the, um, well, like in our heterosexual relationship, I'm I'm interested about the other, other sides experience.
[00:06:21] Jessica Wright: Cause as a female I've had like, as a cy female, I've had like lots of. Conversations with other people who identify that way and gotten their experience. And so I was very curious about what it was like from the other side.
[00:06:33] Jayla Rae Ardelean: okay. Gotcha. So then you meet in person and you guys had been talking, so like you knew.
[00:06:40] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Mostly professional. What was happening in each of your professional lives, but like what were,
[00:06:46] Jessica Wright: can anyone ever really know?
[00:06:47] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. What were the details that he left out until you guys met in person? ?
[00:06:52] Jessica Wright: Uh, like all of them um, I knew he was in the Navy and I knew that [00:07:00] he. Was in a jet. Um, I had no idea what that meant. I didn't know. The Navy had what I would've called airplanes at that time. I knew that he was just getting out of like his training squadron and getting ready to move into sort of the real deal.
[00:07:24] Jessica Wright: Um, but I didn't know what that meant and I'm still not sure.
[00:07:32] Jessica Wright: I knew that he was An officer, he had started out in the Navy one year in the band, so it wasn't enlisted. Um, and then transitioned into being an officer didn't fully understand that whole process or what that meant. Um, so yeah, I knew very little, um, I knew he was like looking at probably traveling a lot in the near future.[00:08:00]
[00:08:01] Jessica Wright: Yeah, that's it. That's all I knew.
[00:08:03] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Wow. I know. And I, the reason I ask about not only awareness level of like what military life would consist of prior to it, and also their particular role, like what you understood about their role is because. One of the big challenges I've seen amongst late career mil spouses is that it actually takes us so much longer to understand and grasp their roles and how they fit into like the puzzle pieces of military experience, because our awareness level was so little prior to that moment, and they've already been doing this for a while. Like they've, they've already started their career and you're meeting them at some sort of like midpoint or even a few years in which is like light years time.
[00:08:54] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Like you can fit so much in to just. Three to five years, um, within a [00:09:00] military career. And it, it changes so rapidly too. When you talk about training cycles or, you know, changing his role from enlisted to officer status, like that's a big. That's a big jump. And like, how would we know how to describe that to someone else?
[00:09:16] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Or talk about that with people who then have a bunch of questions of like, okay, you met somebody in the military, what does that mean now?
[00:09:23] Jessica Wright: Yeah. Well, and just, even from the service member side, like how. It must be so hard to talk about it and describe it. I mean, there's the issue, one of what you're allowed to talk about and what you're not allowed to talk about, but then even just at a connection level of, I haven't gone through this, I don't, I don't know.
[00:09:46] Jessica Wright: And so how does he put it into language that I'm gonna be able to connect with? I think, I think. Thing. He tried that like, sort of helped, but also now I'm like that actually didn't help at all. [00:10:00] But at the time he was like, have you seen top gun? Like, I'm kind of like goose. And I was like, oh, okay.
[00:10:08] Jessica Wright: Like I had seen top gun, like. 15 years before that. And I hadn't even finished it. I didn't know. Okay. Spoiler alert. I didn't know. Goose died. So later after we had been together for a while, I watched it and I was like, oh my God, goose dies. Like, why would you tell me that? What if I had seen like, Yeah, it was mildly terrifying.
[00:10:28] Jessica Wright: So it's like those pop cultural references that people try to use or whatever, it's just not, it's not at all what it is. And so I can only imagine from their perspective too, that it must be so challenging to get someone up to speed. You know, when honestly, they're probably trying to. Fight to stay up to speed as well so,
[00:10:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: yeah, and using top gun as a particular example is like attempting to get that person up to speed. But then there's a ton of, um, a ton of [00:11:00] like qualifying statements to that too, of like, okay, this is what they dramatize for filming this isn't actually accurate. However, these pieces of information are accurate and it's like, so confusing.
[00:11:14] Jayla Rae Ardelean: The the lines get blurred really fast, I think like between what is movie and what is an actual accurate representation of military life and because it's so blurry, like those things kind of stick in your mind too. Like, I mean, the fact that he even used that as a reference tool, How can you not think of like goose for example, and just like melt down every once in a while that that is possibly going to happen to him.
[00:11:44] Jessica Wright: I know, I know. Yeah it's really funny, cuz like with top gun two coming out soon, um, I'm sure like we'll be watching the first one and we're definitely gonna go watch the second one. And like it's something like, I feel like they love [00:12:00] watching it, but then they also love like pointing out all of the things that are wrong.
[00:12:04] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. They become a critic like in a heartbeat.
[00:12:06] Jessica Wright: Yeah which is like kind of annoying, but also really entertaining too in some ways. Um, Yeah, it's, it's hard. It's hard on both sides. I think that's probably one of the biggest challenges I experienced was and I'm still experiencing is that I just never feel like I'm caught up, you know, for compared to those people who have been through it with their partner from the beginning. Um, you know, at first it was like catching up on the acronyms, which is never going to be possible. And then just trying to figure out like when he was where and did what and what that meant, and like the timeline of the career gets really confusing. Um, so all of that on top of just living this really hard lifestyle, it's a lot[00:13:00]
[00:13:00] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah, absolutely. And how many years have y'all been together now?
[00:13:04] Jessica Wright: Um, we have known each other. We started dating about six years ago and we've been married for a little over three.
[00:13:12] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Okay. So it's been a while. We're, we're actually very similar. So we've been together for, um, seven years this month. Mm-hmm , uh, five, five married.
[00:13:22] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Um, so we're, we're definitely in the same, like the same zone of time where we're like, okay, we understand a lot more than we did when we first entered. Absolutely. And just like you said, it still feels. Catching up and I totally relate to you when you say keeping their career timeline before you entered their life is so murky.
[00:13:47] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Like I , I mean, I think it's helpful that my husband has a former marriage and children to kind of anchor those bits of information. Like, those are really good time markers, but [00:14:00] I couldn't, I mean, I couldn. Possibly like, keep in mind the full, you know, 10 years, 11 years that he experienced in the military before I even walked into his life.
[00:14:10] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Like that is such an , it's such a long amount of time that it gets to be really confusing. So I, I think that's another challenge that has been has been reinforced to me in having these conversations that you kind of, you do always feel like you're trying to catch up. Mm-hmm. And how do you, how do you cope with that?
[00:14:32] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Or do you have any, I don't know, tools, tips and tricks that you can share, or is it just more about being comfortable with the fact that it is uncomfortable?
[00:14:42] Jessica Wright: yeah, I think it's, I think it's that. And I mean, I appreciate that my husband is very patient with me as I try to like map it out in my life. Um, Or map it out in our life.
[00:14:55] Jessica Wright: I what's been really helpful for me is, um, [00:15:00] we've actually gone to a few of the few, the places where he's lived and, and done different things, different programs, and being in those places has kind of helped me all of a sudden. Now when he tells stories, I have, I have a picture of a place in my mind. Uh, not that every base doesn't look the same, but you know, , there are like some, like, you know, different markers in my mind.
[00:15:23] Jessica Wright: And just, uh, being there with him and like hearing him talk about that in that place has helped a lot. And, so we just went on our honeymoon finally, after a few years of being married to the Northeast, uh, us and we stopped at the place he went to officer Canada school, and that was one of the places that I was just like, I cannot imagine or picture this.
[00:15:53] Jessica Wright: And I, I always forget when it happened in his transition from being enlisted to [00:16:00] officer and for me, like in my. My logic says it would be the first thing you did, but not necessarily, you know, like it just made no sense to me when he did this. Um, so actually being there has helped and, and stopping by a few of the other places he's lived has been helpful and just kind of hearing him tell stories and see where he, you know, was at that point.
[00:16:25] Jessica Wright: but that's, you know, that's not possible for everyone I realize, but that has been really helpful. And I'm still like, I'm still piecing together the timeline y'all and I'm, I'm grateful he's patient with me, cuz I ask so many times when he did things and he's like, uh, I think I told you that already.
[00:16:44] Jessica Wright: I'm like, I know you told me that already, but it did not stick.
[00:16:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Tell me again. Yeah.
[00:16:50] Jessica Wright: You gotta tell me again, this won't be the last time either. So
[00:16:56] Jayla Rae Ardelean: and has he been able to do the same with you and kind [00:17:00] of chart your life prior to meeting him? Has the, I, I wonder if there's been a certain. I guess the same amount of like attention and care to charting the trajectory of your life prior to meeting him as much as there's been that emphasis on, on him and his career and what that means for military life.
[00:17:20] Jessica Wright: Yeah. Well, I think it's, uh, not as hard to chart my life I grew up in Ohio and moved out to Seattle when I was 26. So he has been to Ohio. He's been to, you know, where I went to college, where I grew up. Um, so that makes it a little easier. I've had a lot of different careers in my life.
[00:17:40] Jessica Wright: And so that's probably what gets a little more confusing for him. Rightfully so. Um, but yeah, definitely. I mean, let's be honest. Like, I don't know that he has the time or energy to do that as much as maybe I [00:18:00] do. Um, like traveling different places is a challenge. Like going home to see family is hard to fit in.
[00:18:11] Jessica Wright: So I think that there's a little bit more Of a, of a time and energy issue there when it comes to that. But that being said, my life has had, a few less twist and turns. So it's more career wise for me that, that there have been a lot of changes.
[00:18:28] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. And thank you for bringing that up, cuz I definitely wanted to spend a moment on that today with you? Uh, how many career pivots have you had to make as someone with an advanced degree? Like what you don't get need to give me your whole trajectory today? you wanna give, I wanna give listeners a sense of how many times this, this has happened in your life as a result of meeting your husband, but maybe even prior to that too, that was, had nothing to do with military [00:19:00] life.
[00:19:00] Jessica Wright: Yeah, I would say most of the pivots happened before him. Um, I've recently at the beginning of this year left the pastor job that I was in when we met and, uh, transitioned to full-time coaching and certainly the flexibility. Required to be a military spouse helped in making that decision. Um, however, coaching just fits my skills and personality a lot better too.
[00:19:30] Jessica Wright: So it, it wasn't all because of that. but that certainly was a perk. Uh, most of my career pivots have been. Before he and I met, um, I've done a lot of different things. My undergraduate is in music education and I never was actually a music teacher. I've done a lot of different things since then.
[00:19:54] Jessica Wright: I mean, that's partially what I, what I coach people on too, I think all of those [00:20:00] are huge parts of me. And, and I've experienced this feeling with him and also with like my friends out here in Seattle, but there are parts of my identity and parts of me that. Still feel very real and big that the people I love the most out here have no idea about like, they don't know me as a musician.
[00:20:26] Jessica Wright: And I still feel, even though real talk, I haven't touched my clarinet in years. I still feel like a clarinettist like, that was such a huge part of my formation and life.
[00:20:37] Jessica Wright: I was an event planner after college. That was so influential to how I just run my life. And yet people out here don't know me as that. I think that that's true for both, uh, my marriage and my other close [00:21:00] relationships that that's just always a challenge.
[00:21:03] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah, I love that you're bringing, uh, bringing identity into this conversation because folding military spouse into our existing, like the existing fabric of all of our identities is such a big challenge when we've led so much of our life prior to meeting our spouse.
[00:21:25] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And I'm not saying it's not challenging for other military spouses who actually move. You know, move up in the ranks and have all of these cornerstone military life experiences from the beginning of their, you know, early on in their life and from the beginning of their relationships. Um, but when you, when you enter this lifestyle and you are now a military spouse or a military, significant other, and it's asking a lot of you, it's asking A lot from you to change your own life circumstances, [00:22:00] uh, when it comes to that identity, did you have any resentment or rejection or, or anything?
[00:22:08] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Did you feel any of those things when you guys first met and it doesn't even have to be like, it's not his fault, right? It's just something it's a, it's a transition it's it is kind of a transformation that you go through. So I'd love to hear more about
[00:22:21] Jessica Wright: that. Yeah, totally. Um, No, it's definitely not our service members' fault.
[00:22:28] Jessica Wright: And I feel pretty lucky. We, you know, we've been together these six years and we're still living in the same place as you know, when we met, um, well, except for he and I are together in the same house, but, you know, um,
[00:22:44] Jayla Rae Ardelean: well to transition in of itself.
[00:22:46] Jessica Wright: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. uh, but still together, you know, still in the same area
[00:22:51] Jessica Wright: I left my previous job, because I wanted to do this new thing, not because I had to. So I'm just listing out all the, the [00:23:00] disclaimers that I know I haven't gone through what a lot of others have. I haven't had the PCs yet. Um, I'm sure it'll happen at some point, but I, you know, haven't had to go through that yet.
[00:23:09] Jessica Wright: This is true of military or not. When you meet someone. When you meet your partner, when you're older, you're already pretty established and you're bringing a pretty strong sense of who you are, what you want, what you believe to that relationship. And. As are they. And it's kind of sad that 30 is like considered older when meeting your partner, but whatever.
[00:23:38] Jessica Wright: Uh, that's a whole other conversation probably. It's just, it's just different. Like dating is different at that age because you, you know, you called your, you and your husband serial monogamists. Like we were too, because we knew that's what we wanted. We knew we wanted to be married people and, um, or at least very [00:24:00] seriously committed, partnered people.
[00:24:02] Jessica Wright: And that just changes how you, how you date. I. I knew within a couple months I wanted to marry him. I didn't tell him that. And he is affirmed that it's probably good. I didn't tell him that, but like, I just, I, I was like, I was with every person I met. I'm like, I'm in or I'm out, you know, I knew it immediately.
[00:24:21] Jessica Wright: And with him, I knew I was in. And so when you show up already pretty established like that to then this military world, which. I hope I don't make anyone mad here, but I truly believe that the military is like the system. It, it kind of tries to break you down to become who they need you to be.
[00:24:46] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Oh, you're definitely not gonna piss anyone off by saying that Jessica,
[00:24:50] Jessica Wright: like, I, if they do that for the service people, right? Like that's part of the training programs and I think. That in a way they do it for, for significant other [00:25:00] spouses and families too. Like they need the family to operate in a certain way for their system to work.
[00:25:08] Jessica Wright: And showing up as a pretty established and aware person into a system like that is really hard. And figuring out what kind of military spouse or partner you wanna be is really hard. I think that in some ways, those of us who are late career spouses, uh, your term, we have a bit of an advantage that we have a slightly stronger sense of iden. Well, mm. I don't wanna say that we have an advantage that we've had some practice claiming our identity and outside of the military.[00:26:00] but our disadvantage is that it's it's can be a lot stronger and that process of trying to break it down is very painful.
[00:26:11] Jessica Wright: It's hard. It's hard to figure out how you fit and how you can be supportive and how you can also ask for support. Um, I just the military system. It's not, it's not meant for families. It's not meant for spouses and it's not meant for families. That's not how it was created hundreds of years ago.
[00:26:36] Jessica Wright: it was for single men to, you know, go out and fight and I feel like they think we're a distraction and sometimes, and it's really hard to deal with that because I don't feel like a distraction. I feel like I wanna be a supportive partner who is also my own [00:27:00] individual self and creating good things in the world as well.
[00:27:06] Jessica Wright: That's how I view myself. And I don't always understand why they can't view me that way..
[00:27:11] Jayla Rae Ardelean: yeah. Oh my gosh. You're speaking to something that is so deeply seated when it comes to this topic of identity. And it's true that this system was designed for individuals. and I mean, feeling like a distraction, I.
[00:27:35] Jayla Rae Ardelean: I guess I interpret that like slightly differently, I think, but I think we're, we're gonna get to the same point. So let me, let me back up just a little bit. you know, there's a, there's a big conversation online and on social media about not viewing yourself as just a military spouse. And I think that lens we may feel it too as late career [00:28:00] mil spouses, but I think that lens actually gets imposed upon us.
[00:28:06] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Whereas if you're speaking to a spouse who has been with their service member for. 10, like 10 years or more, and they have moved up, you know, they've, they've experienced a lot of these military life, cornerstone things already. So they have all of this experience under their belt. And yet, because of military life circumstances, they haven't really been able to formulate their own identity outside of being a military spouse.
[00:28:34] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Of course. Of course to them, if they wanna say, well, I would like to work too. I'm not just a mom. I'm not just here to support my service member. I have all of these other goals and, and missions and things that I want to complete in my life. this idea that they are just a military spouse is not only offensive , but [00:29:00] is that also kind of what you're saying when it comes to feeling as though you are, you are a distraction because if you raise your hand and you say like, I want more out of this marriage out of this relationship and out of my individuality. Do you think that that detracts from the service member's ability to like go hard, go fast and do everything inside of their career?
[00:29:28] Jessica Wright: I think Historically the narrative was yes, but I don't actually believe that it needs to do that.
[00:29:34] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Right.
[00:29:34] Jessica Wright: Like I just wanna give my husband some credit here. Um, and I don't think he's the only one, but they are capable of being good partners and excellent service members.
[00:29:47] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Mm-hmm
[00:29:49] Jessica Wright: as we can compartmentalize and wear many hats and deal with a lot of things. So can they [00:30:00] um, and so I think, yeah, what you're saying.
[00:30:03] Jessica Wright: Absolutely. And I also just feel like. There's that or, well, it does feel kind of ancient. Um, but that past narrative of like, you know, when you're service members on deployment, don't tell 'em that every appliance broke down, that you're sick. That you're, you know, like all that stuff. Well, I'm just like, I know it's just like screw that.
[00:30:27] Jessica Wright: I can't, I, I need him to like, help me decide what we're gonna replace and what we're gonna wait on. And like, Why wouldn't he wanna know what was happening with his house? Like, , I'm doing my best. At our second deployment, I got pretty sick while he was away. And I fell into the trap of not telling him how serious it was.
[00:30:49] Jessica Wright: And I, I told him enough, but, um, so that he knew something was happening. But then later, once he got [00:31:00] home, I was like, oh, by the way, I almost went to the hospital, you know, it was like all this stuff later. And he is like, what? just like, why wouldn't you tell me that? You know? And I think I just, yeah, I got really overwhelmed and I fell into that, that narrative, um, that, that, that I would be adistraction and, um, I don't wanna do that anymore.
[00:31:23] Jessica Wright: I, I think he's capable of handling it and to, to hide myself and my needs. That way is really problematic. Um, not just for me, but also for our relationship.
[00:31:37] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. And I think I wanna be clear about that. There's a lot of different types of deployment as well. And if we're, if we're talking about a life threatening, combat deployment. I agree that shielding just a little bit more about what you share with them is probably a good idea. [00:32:00] but , does that mean all of it and never saying anything and never communicating your desires and your needs at like, no. Um, but you almost went to the hospital. And like he didn't know about it.
[00:32:14] Jayla Rae Ardelean: So if we play out that scenario, let's say you did go to the hospital, you then needed to, uh, have surgery, for example. And he. No idea where you are and why he cannot get a hold of you. Mm-hmm , that's like, that is very problematic. That's like, that's going down a path to where it's going to cause you know, so much like he may resent you for that later.
[00:32:38] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Like very, very serious. Right.
[00:32:40] Jessica Wright: Mm-hmm
[00:32:41] Jayla Rae Ardelean: um, so he's may not only be experiencing a life threatening deployment thing, but then you're over here. Also experiencing your potentially life threatening issue. And so kind of holding those two things at an equal measure without feeling like you are detracting or [00:33:00] a dis quote, unquote distraction, or, or however, you know, we wanna phrase that um, would be, would be so important and I mean speaking from a deployment lens as well. Like there have been times where, and I've said this before, but Jeremy is not, this is not a combat deployment. Yes. He's in a combat zone. It's not what he's there to do. He has a lot of privileges that have not been afforded to him in past deployments. And he effing deserves it at this point, his career.
[00:33:29] Jessica Wright: Totally. Yeah.
[00:33:31] Jayla Rae Ardelean: He's, uh, he's earned his stripes so to speak, but. You know, there have been times where I was experiencing circumstantial depression, like during this deployment. And I shared all of that with him and yes, he was concerned and he was worried for me and he definitely hopped into how can I fix this mentality to which I had I then had to say, there's nothing to fix. I just need you to listen. I just need you to [00:34:00] validate. That's it. Um, but I can tell you right now that when I, when I've shared that I shared so much with him with other military spouses who have a. Older lens when it comes to the military that has caused contention
[00:34:20] Jessica Wright: oh, I'm sure.
[00:34:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. And I, uh, will refute that over and over again because it was important for him to understand where I was at in that journey. This is a yearlong deployment. The journey has been an, a freaking roller coaster of emotions. Um, and I, I think it, it, it's also an opportunity to connect deeper. Like, that's the thing that you are so fearful of losing while they are away.
[00:34:50] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And just sharing more about what's going on with you. Like hopefully does foster deeper connection and it takes the conversation to to an [00:35:00] intimate place versus like, Oh, you know, I got caught in traffic today, or I don't know, whatever, like, whatever else you talk about when you can speak to each other.
[00:35:09] Jessica Wright: yeah, totally. And like, there are a lot of forms of intimacy and certainly the common ones get challenging when in these types of situations. And so. To me. It's like, you have to share that, like you have to do that kind of stuff because, it is so crucial for not just keeping a relationship together, but actually building it while they're away.
[00:35:41] Jessica Wright: Like that was so hard for me. Uh, so in his first deployment we were still dating and still lived farther apart. And I think some people thought it wouldn't be as hard for me as it was. But like I said before, I was already in on him, you know, um, that was about a year into [00:36:00] us dating and I really struggled.
[00:36:05] Jessica Wright: I, I was very scared ahead of time. With the idea that our relationship wasn't gonna keep growing that it was gonna just kind of pause for that six months or however long. I found the opposite to be true. Like we had to dig into other areas via conversation that were really important and our relationship did grow.
[00:36:29] Jessica Wright: But that was a huge fear of mine before that first deployment. And I think even the second deployment, even once I knew should have known better, I still got scared about that and, and probably will again, um, because that idea of just kind of pausing and, and becoming stagnant is it doesn't feel good.
[00:36:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: No, it , it feels like the, uh, the exact, not point of a relationship
[00:36:55] Jessica Wright: mm-hmm
[00:36:56] Jayla Rae Ardelean: like you're to continually be growing. and [00:37:00] unfortunately, and fortunately like these, these kinds of military life experiences, uh, can catapult that, like accelerate that, and they can also put hard stop to things that you. You weren't anticipating or expecting either. So this, this fear of losing connection and, also just this sense of intimacy in other ways, aside from physical intimacy, that is obviously not available is, is so scary and I've, I've experienced it as well. It's like we, oh my gosh. We are so close with one another and being apart and figuring out ways to remain, feeling that close is so incredibly challenging, way more challenging than I want it to be. Um, but we've also kind of developed, I don't know if you could [00:38:00] say like a code, but.
[00:38:02] Jayla Rae Ardelean: you know what I mean? Like when you're just, when you're texting each other, for example, I don't know if you were, I, I realize it's very like privileged that I even get to text him. I understand some people are waiting for an email you know, weeks at a time and not hearing anything. So I, I recognize that.
[00:38:18] Jayla Rae Ardelean: but there's just sort of been like this little code of like, okay, now we're going to enter into what's really going on with us and to just leave the surface behind. Um, but that has taken, uh, you know, months and months and months to develop .
[00:38:36] Jessica Wright: Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely like during deployment, my experience was that it took a while to find the groove and then all of a sudden it was time for them to come back and it was like, I don't, I mean, obviously I'm happy and would prefer that.
[00:38:53] Jessica Wright: But I also don't quite remember how to do this in person again.
[00:38:57] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Right.
[00:38:57] Jessica Wright: So it's, yeah. That's always [00:39:00] something, always something to adapt and change and learn and Ugh. It's, it's good. I think being a military spouse, um, gives us so many good challenges that once we're through, we're better off, but, um, Uh, that sounds, I, I don't wanna make it sound like, I think we're better than other people.
[00:39:22] Jessica Wright: That's not what I mean. I mean, we're just, we're better off as people, um, understanding how to navigate that kind of stuff, but going through all of that stuff is, you know, rough.
[00:39:36] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah.
[00:39:36] Jessica Wright: And I know I'm preaching preaching to the choir here, but
[00:39:38] Jayla Rae Ardelean: oh no, no. I just, I think the more. We say statements like that, it online on a podcast, whatever forum in person at a speaking event.
[00:39:50] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Um, it's amazing how, I mean, I always feel like it's, so it's just, it's such an obvious thing to say. Why do we need to say that it's so hard and it's [00:40:00] challenging. And then I have to remind my myself, um, because somebody out there listening to this right now is thinking. This shouldn't be that hard, or it's not as hard as I'm making it out to be, or just completely like invalidating and wiping away their own feelings and even using, you know, the bull crap language that is sometimes fed to us about like, well, you, you chose this life.
[00:40:28] Jessica Wright: You knew what you were getting into.
[00:40:29] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah. You knew what you were getting into, like, you know, those kinds of statements as well. Like we do, we can inflict that upon ourselves because it's what we hear societally. So just even saying it was hard, this is challenging brings so much more acceptance and connection in this community than I think anybody like realizes just, just saying that and, and I've, I've felt that way too when I've heard other military spouses say it, like this [00:41:00] aspect is hard. There's no sure. You can put on your best mindset and you can try to see the good in it and, you know, find the lessons and all of those things. It does not negate the fact that it's hard.
[00:41:14] Jessica Wright: yeah. Yeah. I had someone tell me during our first deployment or my, sorry, the second deployment that all I needed to do was like, think about this as an opportunity to put the bedspread on that I want and like light the candles that I want and , and I was like, uh, I kind of already do that. and also . And also, no, like I'm not this isn't a vacation for me. I wanna be with this person. And I'm best when I'm with them. And so now I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna be my best self without them physically present. And. [00:42:00] I changing the bedspread. Isn't gonna help. Like, that's not , that's not what I need.
[00:42:06] Jayla Rae Ardelean: That's just so that's just like cosmetic that doesn't, that's not, that's not addressing the inner workings yeah. Of what's happening with our minds and our emotions. yeah.
[00:42:16] Jessica Wright: Well, I think it said, it says way more about where they were in their relationship.
[00:42:19] Jayla Rae Ardelean: But you and I like, we okay. Like, we're coaches in the personal development space. Like hearing people say stuff like that to us is is your yeah.
[00:42:30] Jessica Wright: And who else? Who else might they have said that too? And like, I, I, I was able to be like, uh, Nope. but who else? Yeah. Who else heard it? That was like, Oh, gosh, I need to like, have a way better attitude about this and you know, like what did that do to them? That's that's where my mind goes. Like, I, I get really, um, protective of people who are not able to, to process that yet.
[00:42:57] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Wow. Well, okay.
[00:42:58] Jessica Wright: That's still out there. [00:43:00]
[00:43:01] Jayla Rae Ardelean: well, you'll never hear something like that from me.
[00:43:03] Jessica Wright: Me either.
[00:43:04] Jessica Wright: I will tell you that right now. Um, so we only have a few minutes left, but because I know that you're into the Enneagram. I wondered when you were talking about not disclosing certain. Needs or how you were feeling about things while he was away. I wondered how your Enneagram type was acting as a filter in those cases.
[00:43:29] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And, and if you've been able to like, make any of those, any of those connections since then,
[00:43:34] Jessica Wright: Oh, yeah, I'm a textbook two. Like , you know, they're always like, oh, women, especially be careful if you think, if you come up with a two on a test, which I know we're not supposed to take, but if you do that, like be careful cuz there's social conditioning and all that, but yes, absolutely. But I am a textbook Two.
[00:43:52] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Right. And I mistyped as a two. So like I get it.
[00:43:56] Jessica Wright: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, I [00:44:00] mean, I definitely am. Always trying to help and love people so they don't leave me. And, um, I can definitely get in that frame of mind in my marriage too, where I'm just like doing everything for him, because at the heart, I'm, I'm afraid that, you know, I have this narrative in my mind that if, if people knew how terrible I was, they'd all leave me and that's that's a real thing that I'm constantly working on with a therapist. And also just like, I have to like say it out loud so that I can hear how, how wrong it is. Like when I hear it come out of my mouth, I know that like, I haven't done anything bad. I'm not a bad person. But if I keep it in my head, it just, it spirals [00:45:00] round and round and round.
[00:45:01] Jessica Wright: And so, you know, in a, in a situation where he's gone and I'm not able to keep everything perfect about our house and my health and our dog. And, you know, like when things start going wrong, which they always do I can get really afraid that he's, he's gonna be disappointed and ultimately leave because I couldn't handle things back here at home.
[00:45:33] Jessica Wright: And so, yeah, that's definitely my two show up and it sucks, but , uh
[00:45:41] Jayla Rae Ardelean: thank you for being vulnerable enough to share that. Um, cuz the thing about. The thing about the Enneagram that I like, I try to make known and to have under people have people understand is that, um, first of all, this is deep shit.
[00:45:59] Jessica Wright: Mm-hmm [00:46:00]
[00:46:00] Jayla Rae Ardelean: secondly, this is not the kind of stuff that you actually want displayed. Um, cause there's big, you know, distraction method with, with a lot of the, the memes and things that are happening because that's focusing on the behavior. It's not focusing on the motivation for why you do those things.
[00:46:21] Jessica Wright: Yeah.
[00:46:22] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And Jessica just eloquently described the mental and emotional landscape of a two
[00:46:31] Jessica Wright: mm-hmm
[00:46:31] Jayla Rae Ardelean: and how that personality type is yes. Inflicting upon her behavior and, and controlling it in some way. But the motivation behind all of that is if I don't do enough, This person will not love me, will not like me. I will not feel needed.
[00:46:49] Jayla Rae Ardelean: And then everything will fall apart.
[00:46:51] Jessica Wright: Mm-hmm
[00:46:51] Jayla Rae Ardelean: that is so completely vulnerable to be able to say that. And then to not only verbalize it, but then work through those kinds of [00:47:00] things with a therapist and understanding all of the defense mechanisms and triggers that happen as a result of that. So I'm, I'm hoping that we can use, use the Enneagram more and more as a filter through which we have these conversations and, and how our personality types shape our military life experience, because they are, they are woven in like, this is not
[00:47:26] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Do you know what I mean? Like, this is not like a separate
[00:47:29] Jessica Wright: oh yeah, definitely
[00:47:30] Jayla Rae Ardelean: fun. frilly personality moment. Like this is, this is serious stuff.
[00:47:35] Jessica Wright: mm-hmm . Yeah, no, it's deep. It goes back to childhood. And maybe even before, like maybe even before I was born, you know? Yeah.
[00:47:45] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Yeah, well, I really appreciate you coming on the podcast today and just sharing everything with us about what it means to be a late career mil spouse, and also just what it means to be you too.
[00:47:58] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Thank you for being here[00:48:00]
[00:48:00] Jessica Wright: yeah. Well, and thanks for facilitating these conversations. It's, it's helpful for people to. Uh, hear, and it's also just, I'm kind of here processing with you too. So that's, it's good for me to do
[00:48:11] Jayla Rae Ardelean: yeah, no, absolutely. And that's, that's hopefully what happens , you know, and another level of processing happens.
[00:48:18] Jayla Rae Ardelean: but please tell everybody where they can find you online and anything that you'd like to offer them today.
[00:48:24] Jessica Wright: Yeah. So, um, the best place to find me is on Instagram, J Wright life. Uh, but I also am on Facebook with Wright life coaching and have a website, Jessica wright.online. and I'm also on LinkedIn, too. So lots of places to find me. And today I'm offering my 12 journal prompts for change makers. it is a resource I created For you totally free. And if you wanna, if you enjoy journaling, but maybe don't always know what to write about or think about, uh, download [00:49:00] this. And I've got a 12 questions in there.
[00:49:03] Jessica Wright: Um, and it's not just. One question. I often ask kind of why you started to process the way you did so you can get in there and get deep. And I'd love to have you download it. Let me know what you think. And if you wanna reach out to me about anything, please do I'm, I'm happy to chat
[00:49:20] Jayla Rae Ardelean: this resource is amazing. Y'all like , she's asking such incredible questions. And as someone who's also struggled with. Knowing what to journal. I was like, these, these prompts are fantastic. Thank you. yeah, just get right in there, getting right in there.
[00:49:37] Jessica Wright: Yeah. Yeah. And I talk about in the journal that, you know, even if you don't have time to like, sit down and write, like consider talking into your, into your, uh, notes app on your phone or what, I don't have an I, or I don't have an iPhone, so I don't know what it's called, but I hear there's a thing where you can talk into and record yourself.
[00:49:53] Jessica Wright: Um, do that. Just find a way to, you know, get it out.
[00:49:58] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Absolutely. [00:50:00] Well, thanks Jessica. And thanks everybody for listening and we'll see you next time. Bye.