The Reintegration Episode: 4 Strategies to Improve Your Relationship
The Reintegration Episode: 4 Strategies to Improve Your Relationship
Our reintegration period isn't exactly over yet, but in this episode you'll hear how it started, and where are marriage is now.
Though we had to huddle together to successfully PCS overseas and take on my step kids on full time in summer 2022, we had a huge obstacle to overcome:
We had just been apart for 11 months while he was deployed, and were struggling to work together. We went through a rough patch, and I'm giving you a behind the scenes look into why! (Hint: military life is ridiculous sometimes.)
In this episode, I give you 4 strategies to improve your relationship that worked for us, and why hiring support was so necessary.
Welcome back to the deployment series (where The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast began in 2021 ❤️)!
Our reintegration period isn't exactly over yet, but in this episode you'll hear how it started, and where are marriage is now.
Though we had to huddle together to successfully PCS overseas and take on my step kids on full time in summer 2022, we had a huge obstacle to overcome:
We had just been apart for 11 months while he was deployed, and were struggling to work together. We went through a rough patch, and I'm giving you a behind the scenes look into why! (Hint: military life is ridiculous sometimes.)
In this episode, I give you 4 strategies to improve your relationship that worked for us, and why hiring support was so necessary.
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In this episode I mention Military Marriage Coach, Dr. Lindsay Cavanagh.
Check out her work here: https://lindsaycavanagh.com/
Hear Lindsay as a guest on The Heart of a Milspouse Pod:
Hear me on Lindsay's podcast, Married to Military™:
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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Milspouse Mentor.
Grab your ✨free✨ deployment resource here: jaylarae.com/deploymentkit
Learn more: jaylarae.com
Let's chat! I love DMs! @mil.spouse
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Because I want to keep producing episodes for you, consider supporting the podcast below by buying me a coffee! ❤️
Reintegration Episode Transcription Below:
[00:00:00] Jayla Rae Ardelean: Hey there. Welcome back to the heart of a mil spouse podcast. I am really excited for today's episode and also full disclosure. I am very nervous to record this. Um, if this is the first time you're tuning into the deployment series, please know that there is almost a year's worth of episode that marked the 11th month journey as I recorded it, like as I went. So go back. If you feel so inclined.
[00:00:39] And I'd like to say that the reason this is really difficult for me to record is because it's pulling back the curtain on how my own marriage suffered during the reintegration period post deployment. I aim to be as transparent as possible, but also to [00:01:00] balance talking about the light and the dark of military life. Sometimes I lean more heavily toward the dark.
[00:01:07] You probably know that if you've been around for awhile, Um, but. I'm bringing this to you because I firmly believe that mil spouses should be as open as they want to be about how military life impacts marriages and families, whether that be positive impacts or negative impacts. Um, I think that this helps others to, to not feel alone and like their struggles are so unique and therefore untouchable when it comes to solutions and support.
[00:01:43] So that's why we're here today.
[00:01:44] Okay. So in terms of diagnosing. This was a term that I used on my email list because I couldn't think of a better term. Um, but in terms of diagnosing why it is that we struggled. So much [00:02:00] when he came home. It's really quite simple. I can boil it down to one thing. And that is that we were playing on opposite teams.
[00:02:11] So though we had to huddle together to successfully PCS overseas and take on my stepkids. Full-time. We had a huge obstacle to overcome. We had been apart for 11 months and had to do everything separately often without each other's support. So when it came time to kind of grind our gears and get that gigantic PCS to do is finished.
[00:02:35] We tried to operate on different playing fields.
[00:02:39] This led to resentment.
[00:02:42] This led to each of us not feeling appreciated by the other person.
[00:02:47] It led to me wanting to claw his eyes out.
[00:02:52] It led to both of us doing really selfish things until the other one blew up about it. And it also led to [00:03:00] arguments and the kind of fighting that got us nowhere once we had actually moved to Italy. Uh, and we were beginning to adjust to the culture and then, you know, tackling yet another long to do list. Cause after you PCS, everybody knows it's not over yet. That is truly just the beginning of that entire cycle.
[00:03:20] So it, this really led to each of us saying really hurtful things to one another. And sometimes they were just brutal honesty. And other times they were hurtful to be hurtful. Uh, and it caused me to question how stable our relationship actually is or was.
[00:03:44] Um, since our relationship's inception, we've been the enviable couple in our circle of friends. And I don't mean that to then cause more envy over our relationship. And I don't mean it [00:04:00] from a really self centered place.
[00:04:02] What I mean by that is that we radiate love. We make each other glow. And sometimes I literally forget that there's other people around us because we just lock eyes and it reminds me why I love him so damn much. So losing that quality for a while was really unfortunate. The diagnoses of like why we fell off track wasn't something that I was able to come to on my own. And that is another reason why I am recording this, um, toward the end of 2022. Uh, I did not want the new year to start without addressing reintegration. Um, but when I say I wasn't able to come to this diagnosis on my own. I want you to know that I hired support. I got support from someone [00:05:00] else. I started working with a military marriage coach, Dr. Lindsay Kavanaugh.
[00:05:05] Because I didn't know where to start. I didn't know how to unpack everything that was happening. So I worked with her one-on-one for about a month. And though Jeremy never met with her, the benefits of what I've gathered during that time extended beyond just me and it extended toward him as well. Um, and that's actually one of the things that she preaches and I came to believe for myself-- is that it actually only takes one person to change a marriage. I fully believe that now.
[00:05:43] Um, so what I want to give you is a tactical look at what we did to improve and to get back on the same team. At the time that I'm recording this. It is well to be specific it's Sunday, December 11th. We [00:06:00] are exactly a week away from taking this two and a half week vacation together across Europe. My step-kids are going home to Colorado to be with their mom for a few weeks. And we decided that we were not going to travel back to the states. That we were not going to go home. We were not going to focus on seeing family and we were going to focus on our relationship instead.
[00:06:27] And this was, well, I don't want to say it was a difficult decision to come to cause I actually think it was quite easy. Uh, but I have felt remorse for making that decision. It is really hard to say, no, I'm not coming home for Christmas this year to both sides of the family, to his and mine. Um, But we both know that we need this in order to really come back to the heart of who we are [00:07:00] as a couple. And basically to make up for lost time.
[00:07:04] He was gone for almost a year and we were apart last holiday season in 2021. And it was pretty awful. So this year, we are determined to make it as as special as we possibly can. So let's get into that tactical. Look at what we did to improve and get back on the same page.
[00:07:29] Number one.
[00:07:30] I got to tell Lindsay, Dr. Lindsay Cavenaugh exactly how I was feeling about our marriage with zero judgment. And this was really, really key because first of all, she didn't know us. She didn't, she didn't know what our marriage is usually like, but I could still come to her and say it out loud. I could say when things started to fizzle out a little bit and the high points that we [00:08:00] still had over the summer, while we were preparing to PCS the good things that happened, the bad things that have happened. And I never would've been able to get past all of that had I not communicated it to a third party person.
[00:08:16] This was not like conducted through insurance or a military organization. So we were also blessed with complete and total anonymity. And I realized that not every military couple out there has the privilege to to pay out of pocket for a service like this. However, I will say that I would pay for this 10 times over again.
[00:08:38] Because it's amazing what you can do in just a month.
[00:08:44] All right. Number two. We started weekly check-ins with one another. And I have to be honest that when Lindsay first suggested this to me, I was internally rolling my eyes.
[00:08:59] But a check-in [00:09:00] is basically where you address, what went well that week and what you could improve upon. So for, I think it was at least a month, if not six weeks, uh, Jeremy and I would go get coffee on Sunday mornings together without the kids, just down the street. And we would do our check-in.
[00:09:20] And. I will tell you that it was uncomfortable. We both really squirmed initially. But we did get better about it. And I think overall it helped us tell each other what the other one did that made us feel loved. Sure we know each other's love languages. We've had those conversations before, but we were getting down to what right now in this moment is making you feel loved.
[00:09:50] An example is that one week he said he felt most loved when I pack muled myself to the grocery store to make sure that he had the beer that he likes [00:10:00] stocked in the fridge. So that when he came home, he didn't have to think about it. It was already there and he could just enjoy it. So now I know to keep doing these kinds of things, even though I hate it, guys, I hate being a pack mule to the grocery store and yes, I finally did figure out grocery delivery, but guess what? They don't deliver his beer. So that just square one with that.
[00:10:25] So at this point, occasionally we do still do check-ins and I do plan to continue that, um, They're scheduled. They're like on the calendar. Uh, and it's helpful to know that we can fall back on that that when we experience a lot of tension in one week. So that might be a strategy that works for you.
[00:10:46] If you're out there and you're listening to this and you're rolling your eyes. I want you to know, I know exactly how you feel. And try to push through that a little bit, try it once. See if it works. Um, [00:11:00] By works. I mean, You're able to communicate with one another. That's really all you're trying to achieve.
[00:11:06] and you're trying to focus on. What you did well as a couple, uh, and how you can do more of that and less of the stuff that is inhibiting your relationship. So there's that.
[00:11:18] Number three.
[00:11:20] We also express to one another, how it feels to not be on the same page and to not feel like we are on the same team. And this was incredibly challenging. But it was a very important step for us. I think you know, we tend to make assumptions that the other person must know how we're feeling about something because we're expressing the frustration and we're expressing the anger, but we're not actually getting to the root of things.
[00:11:53] So, for example, when we're not on the same page and I expressed this to Jeremy. [00:12:00] I feel alone in my struggle with military life and everything that it throws at you. I feel like I don't have a partner who will listen and validate my feelings. And it makes me really angry, especially when so much of what I've sacrificed has been for the betterment of our relationship and to make this challenging lifestyle work.
[00:12:23] And he told me that when we're not on the same page, it feels like. Anything he does isn't good enough for me. Like, I don't see the small things, the things that he does to take like that he takes care of so that I don't have to, the stuff he doesn't even put on our shared to-do list because it's directly related to adjusting, to living overseas and being attached to the embassy. And why should I have to be responsible for those things? So he just takes them on.
[00:12:54] Um, and he told me that when we're not on the same page, He feels [00:13:00] backed into a corner and useless.
[00:13:04] And I have to say that this was really hard to hear, and it's really difficult for me to relay now, um, because those are not my intentions. I do not intend to make him feel that way, but it was a very, very important step for us to communicate that with one another. And I'm still unpacking a lot of what we've said to each other in the last couple months.
[00:13:29] And, you know, we're still working through some of those things. So it's not as though we snapped our fingers and we're back to normal. Um, but we are closer. We're close r the normal.
[00:13:43] And then number four.
[00:13:45] We recognize that even though he came home in June, And we PCSed to Italy from Texas in August. Our actual reintegration with one another didn't really begin [00:14:00] until a month into living in Italy.
[00:14:05] And if you hear the episode where it's about three days before he comes home, You know, I tried to spin this really positively. I tried to say. You know, it's going to be kind of awesome that he comes home and there's no routine to return to. The routine is going to be thrown completely out of whack because we have to sell the house and sell the cars and get our passports and get the visas and do this really, really long to do list in order to make it work.
[00:14:34] So, you know, he's not coming back. And needing to assimilate to. The circumstances. Cause there are, there are no circumstances that are going to be repeated. Um, and I it's fine that I tried to put a positive spin on that. However, I will say that we were really thrusted into survival mode as individuals and as a family.
[00:14:59] [00:15:00] And our nervous systems were so tapped from the summer PCSing experience that there wasn't really space to blend our personalities, our desires and our lives once again. Which is what a reintegration period looks like. Uh, and you know, full disclosure, if you've heard anything from the deployment series you'll know that that is my one and only deployment experience. So I truly don't have a lot of expectations in this area. Um, I built some of my own, of course, cause I can't help it. But I, I don't know, like the right and wrong way to do things for example.
[00:15:41] So, yeah, our reintegration did not really begin until we had lived in Italy for at least a month.
[00:15:50] And I think that was important for us to recognize because it neutralized things for the two of us. It kind of made us exhale in a [00:16:00] way and say, okay, We got over the PCS hump. We did that part. Now we can move on and come back back together. And learn how to be around each other again, how to compromise when it's needed and how to not talk over each other and both be control freaks with each other.
[00:16:23] Those are the kinds of things that now that we've moved and we're adjusting and things are mostly fine. Those are the things that we can actually focus on now.
[00:16:35] Okay. So those were some of the actual strategies that we employed in order to get back on the same page. But there is also one element that really helped us and Ugh. I actually hate to say it because when we were first looking to [00:17:00] hire the support of Lindsey, um, He was very weary about hiring an outside entity at all. Um, and if you've ever talked to your service member about attending therapy together, you've probably received similar concerns. Um, but again, we had the gift of anonymity and this was not going to be reported back to his boss or anything like that.
[00:17:25] But he was still concerned about revealing details of our marriage, to somebody who just, you know, intimately to someone else. Uh, but when we were discussing that and kind of going back and forth, It was very much my idea to do it. I wanted to like roll up my sleeves, dig in, get to the bottom of the issues and not let things go because they had already been rocky for months
[00:17:55] and I didn't want to feel stagnant anymore. So I'm trying to [00:18:00] make this clear to him. And he tells me he's like, you know, something that we really just need right now is time. And I was like, no. We don't need time to just readjust again, because we've been thrust into this crazy situation where you come home and we immediately PCS and it's not just you know, a state side move, which is still really difficult, but this is like overseas and we're taking on the kids and like all of these adjustments were being made at the same time. So in my mind, I was like, If we give ourselves more time to come back together and to feel like we're on the same team that means that we're letting things stay the same and I can't live in this place anymore. Where we want to re like climb each other's eyes out. Like I can't, I can't be in this place anymore. And his response to that was just like, we just [00:19:00] need a little bit of time.
[00:19:01] And now in retrospect that a few months have passed since that conversation I think I understand what he was trying to say. I took it. I took offense to it. I was like, oh, he doesn't actually want to get to the root of these issues and he just wants time to heal all wounds or whatever. Um, but I think what he was alluding to and pointing toward was the fact that we were in survival mode
[00:19:30] and part of that is yes, you can adopt different strategies to help yourself ease out of it. Um, and to get more comfortable and to secure things again. Um, but ultimately part of what allows you to exit that point. Of your nervous system, just, oh my gosh. It's just so it's so hard to articulate.
[00:19:57] We needed a time. And this is me [00:20:00] coming on the podcast and saying like he was right. And. I don't think I struggle to admit when he is right and I am wrong. Um, though, I will say that when we're not in a good place like we do do that with one another. We are overly concerned about who is right and who was wrong. And that's like a common thing that happens. In a relationship, right? You have to kind of step outside of that and uh, not look at things so black and white like that all the time. Um, so I'm working on that.
[00:20:34] But the point is we did just need a little bit of time. We needed time to be on our side. As well. We needed to use the time wisely, but also just allow things to flow more naturally. And not create more [00:21:00] tension and pressure when that already existed through the Army's expectations, the new duty stations, expectations, um, and then all of the things that you have to do post PCS in order to adjust to living.
[00:21:17] I mean, you're literally knocked down to the bottom of the totem pole.
[00:21:23] And, you know, finding a new grocery store, understanding where to refill medications. You know, setting up, um, a primary care manager. Like fixing the insurance, uh, Figuring out what you're going to do for dental, hoping that nothing, there's no sort of medical emergency between you, your husband and your family, because you don't have the right resources in place in order to handle that adequately, um, you know, finding a car, learning how to drive in a new city where the drivers are absolutely crazy. Like, and I haven't driven yet. Just [00:22:00] PS. Um, so there's just like a lot of things that happen after you PCS that, you know, you do need to be on the same page in order to get them done and to get them done well.
[00:22:14] So part of it was just allowing a little bit more time to pass so that we could more naturally gravitate back toward each other. And be, um, be supportive of one another and be encouraging of one another.
[00:22:30] I don't know about you, but when I'm. Feeling like there are not just in this marriage, but when there are issues in my relationship, the things that I tend to offer so freely, like support, encouragement, consistent loving attention, those kinds of things. I withhold those. I begin to withhold those because I don't feel like they are being returned back to me and so why would I Dole them [00:23:00] out? Why would I give that energy out if that's not what I'm receiving from the other end?
[00:23:07] So that was something I had to work through too. Um, I had to. You know, step outside of is this right? Or is this wrong? And like, is he deserving or not deserving? And just. Fucking do it in any way. Which was really frustrating at first.
[00:23:26] But I think I got over that. And now we're back in a place where we Dole those things out to each other. Um, because we want to, and because we want to make the other person feel loved and valued in this relationship. So we've come we've come a long way in just a few short months. Um, and I wanted to bring some of those details to you because hopefully you're hearing some resonance. Hopefully you're [00:24:00] hearing that it's also okay to have periods of struggle. Um, And it's to recognize that the situations that you are thrusted into in military life do cost tension. They do create significant stress and sure. People who live who don't live inside of military life and don't have these experiences are also still undergoing a lot of stress together in their marriage and in their families and navigating a lot.
[00:24:37] Um, However I will say and I think more people should say this freely because it is not to discount the civilian experience, but it is important to say that military life creates unique situations for marriages and it's okay to say [00:25:00] that.
[00:25:02] I'm not saying it to make us feel special. Um, or like we have it harder like this isn't the hardship Olympics over it. It's not about that. It's about recognizing when you were in those periods of struggle, because of the hand that military life has dealt you. I think it helps to neutralize it a little bit.
[00:25:24] It. You know, you want to get to a point where you're both taking ownership for how you're handling things and how you want to handle things differently in the future. that can still exist. That can absolutely still exist. But it is important to recognize that like, I didn't.
[00:25:41] I didn't ask for another PCS.
[00:25:44] I didn't, I didn't ask for the deployment. I didn't ask for these things. They just happen And Getting through them together Takes strength and sometimes you can lose sight of that [00:26:00] And it feels incredibly challenging but hopefully um you're learning the strategies that work for you and your relationship to come back to center and To get back on the same team um if that is indeed your diagnosis of what's going on in your marriage as well.
[00:26:21] So with that thank you so much for listening to this episode. Thank you for tuning into the heart of a mil spouse podcast for over a year at this point, which is real. that's very strange to me to think about how much time has actually passed. If you would be so kind. Please leave a review, please share either this episode or just the entire podcast with another mil spouse or a mil so who could you support and who could use the validation when things are really tough. Um, whether that [00:27:00] is surrounding a PCs, a deployment, an issue within their marriage brought on by military life stressors, the Enneagram, any of it. I would so, so appreciate it.
[00:27:12] And I will see y'all in 2023. Bye