How to Cope With Isolation During Deployment
How to Cope With Isolation During Deployment
If you're out there feeling the impact of isolation during deployment, I see you and I hope this story helps! I'm just a DM away.
♥️
—————————————————
The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Army Milspouse + Mentor.
Grab your ✨free✨ deployment resource here: jaylarae.com/deploymentkit
Learn more: jaylarae.com
Let's chat! @mil.spouse
—————————————————
Because I want to keep producing episodes for you, consider supporting the podcast below ❤️
Episode Transcription Below:
(00:00):
Hey there and welcome back to the Heart of a Milspouse Podcast. I'm your host, Jayla Rae. And if this is the first time that you are tuning into the podcast, definitely go back to past episodes because there's a lot of juicy stuff happening here. I am mid deployment a one year long deployment. I'm about six months in, and a lot of these recordings or interviews are from a place of currently experiencing things and sharing things as they come to me. Trying to be a model of, I don't know, someone who's at least coping with the deployment and maybe I'm not getting it right every time, but I'm trying <laugh>. So today I wanted to talk about how to cope with isolation during deployment. And this episode is a little bit to different because I don't currently feel isolated. This is me looking back on previous months where I did feel isolated.
(01:12):
So it's a little bit of time and distance has happened. And I think I've look at it a little bit differently than had I recorded this at the time I was experiencing it or the exact time that I felt extremely isolated. So first of all, isolation doesn't always have to mean being alone. Sometimes it's a feeling that's created when you're surrounded by others or you even have people of available to you. I know that sometimes we isolate ourselves during deployment because we know we're not doing well and we don't wanna rub our energy all over others. And I mean, to be fair, we, we think this is a good solution because it's keeping other other people's interests in mind, right? But it's not, it's this only act this, this actually just deepens the sense of isolation that we feel. And it keeps us stuck there for much longer.
(02:14):
I also know that at least a couple of you in this community are not only living alone, but you're living alone, overseas and, and relocated during the pandemic. So within the last two years, those are gigantic challenges in of themselves. And the fact that they are compounding on one another. I just, I want you to know that I am here for you can DM me. I will listen. And sometimes that's all I know that we need, but also that maybe all that I can do for you because we are so far apart from each other. Yeah, that's a lot, that's a lot to go through in the same, just at the same time. My goodness. So I also have to say that I came to, I came to this conclusion that I wanted to record an, a episode about this topic about a few weeks ago.
(03:24):
And it took me a while to get around to actually recording it and to feeling like I had something to say about it. And I realized today before I hopped on and set, you know, set up to I checked in with one of you in this community and you're not doing well. You're overseas. You only have two friends out there. The deployment is extremely tough on you on your marriage. And it's, it's given a lot of anxiety and, and caused a lot of anxiety and it's literal isolation. It's literal isolation in that it feels like there's nobody around and all you need is connection with others. And I have to be honest that I don't, I don't, you it know how to support somebody in going through that because my, my version of isolation, it it's just a different brand of isolation.
(04:29):
It was isolation by choice. And it's for the fact that we, I live alone right now. And I know I'm certainly know that I'm not the only military spouse who lives alone during a deployment who may not have kids or, or family to who lives in the same state or in the same country. So it's, it's a lot of alone time. Anyway, so after six months of this deployment, I, I mean, I can easily recall how I felt at month two or three, and I was in, what's known as the pit. And by the way, you should go back and listen to that episode because it's definitely worth hearing, especially if you feel like you are in a pit right now. But I was intentionally isolating self because I didn't want to be a Debbie downer to my friends. And I thought I was saving them from needing to save me. And what it did was keep me in the pit even longer. I was refusing at one point to come out of the pit that meant establishing connection with others again. And that felt like the most draining thing to accomplish at the time. It felt like connection with others drained me of my
(05:57):
Energy of my emotions and the reason it would do that was because I was so far below, like below my normal bar. I, I felt as though I was in survival mode and I know I've heard other military spouses talk about how, you know, know there are moments in deployment where you're just surviving. You're just getting by there's no, there's no. There's no thriving about it there. It's just getting through it basically. And that's definitely where I was a few months ago. So if we, if we haven't been introduced and you don't know who I am, hi, I'm, I'm really glad that you're here because I think this is such an important place. Such an important thing to talk about when it comes to deployment. And it's possible that when I finish this deployment, I'll have even more to say about this topic, but I am just like, my heart is just broken for those out there who have a situation where they're physically isolated from everyone that they know, and now their partner has left and also can't communicate on a regular basis.
(07:14):
Wow. Sorry. I'm just, just really, really feeling the weight of that tonight. So anyway, hi, I'm Jayla Ray <laugh> and my, so I have step kids, but they live with their mom in a different state. So while Jeremy has been gone, there's been a lot of side. There's been a ton of alone time, and there's lots of ways to feel sad that are available to me because I'm not surrounded by people. And it's strange to not have anyone on a day to day basis, like to talk to in person, because I mean, I work from home and sometimes times I'll go two to four days without even leaving the house. And I get scared in this house alone every couple weeks to the point where it affects my sleep and I can't shut my brain off. And I literally think that someone is coming to get me.
(08:16):
Someone knows that I'm here alone and they're coming to get me. I'm not gonna be able to do anything to stop it. And it terrifies me. That just happened again. What was that last week? I think like three nights in a row. I, I, it was horrible. And it's not the first time that it's happened on this deployment and it's not the first time it's happened to me in our many separations before this deployment, whether I was physically alone in living quarters or I wasn't I just get, yeah, I just get really scared sometimes. And it's, it's in it's while I'm doing really vulnerable activities, like taking a shower. And I was joking with my husband because that was the entry point at which I brought this up. I chose to joke about it instead of being really serious. And I joked with him, I was like, this is, is every girl's worst nightmare is to be attacked while they're in the shower.
(09:19):
And I it's, it's true for a reason. It's because like, you're hearing is impaired. You can't hear everything that's going on around you. Like, there are so many horror movies where women get attacked in a shower. And then it's like, you know, it's also like sexualized and stuff too, and it's just really, it's awful. So that's what triggered that whole case last week where I was in the shower, I couldn't hear anything. I had shut my bedroom door instead of letting the dogs come into the room with me. And I think that was a mistake because they actually help to keep me calm. And I know that they're immediately going to start barking, if anything is wrong, if anything's out of place or whatever. And they also just bark for no reason. So sometimes it's hard to know when they're being an alarm and when they're just barking because they're Wiener dogs and they love to bark. So that's a whole thing in itself.
(00:00):
But anyway, sometimes I will go quite a few days without leaving the house. And I do have an incredible neighbor who has become a really good friend of mine and she's super supportive to me. So I may capture like out in her front yard with her kids for a quick conversation, or we might text and lately I've slowly been incorporating the gym into my life. And so I'm leaving the house on a much more regular basis, but I that's part of why I wanted to talk about this now is because now I have a direct contrast to what it was like when I was not leaving the house. And when I was actually isolating my myself, and we all know that isolating yourself has super serious negative side effects on your psyche. And I don't need to tell you that because we all experienced that just recently when we were on lockdown or when we've had extended quarantine periods or, or whatever throughout this pandemic, like it had, it has a really serious effect on your mental health.
(01:05):
And I wasn't helping myself or supporting myself in at least moving toward a little bit more success with my mental health. I was unwilling and I kept my myself there and stuck for a lot longer than I wanted to. And one of, I mean, this may not be, I don't know, I, I can't help it. I need to bring the enneagram into this, into this conversation as well, because as a type four, if I'm feeling sad, I wanna feel sad. Or, and if I'm feeling happy, I wanna feel happier. Like there's just this sense of, of not enough with one emotion as it is. And so trying to deepen it and trying to and trying to make it last longer as well. And that was happening with the deep, deep sadness and situational depression that I was experiencing at the time that I was isolating myself.
(02:04):
So I don't for what it's worth. Maybe you relate to that. Maybe, you know, like there's, there's somewhere in your mind, that's saying what I need is connection with other people, and I'm continuing to choose other things over that in order to keep myself isolated. And maybe that thought never occurs to you. And you don't, you don't notice that you're doing it before it's too late, basically. So I wanted to get that out of the way, but I think one of the things that can really help, especially if you are physically isolated or even if you're choosing, choosing isolation is, is to plan out when you are going to catch up with people. And when you're going to make an honest effort to connect with others in a virtual way and if, if in person isn't an option, you know, like, are you scheduling a zoom session?
(03:01):
Are you scheduling a FaceTime session chat or on, it's important to do it on days of the week that feel hardest to you? I think that's one thing that I learned in the past few months is that it was so easy to say, well, this is a hard day. I don't wanna connect with anyone, but that is the exact reason why I should have been attempting to connect with people because it was such a hard day. And I don't know if there's like a day of the week. That's super hard for you because side note, when this deployment for began way back when in July, 2021 Mondays and Tuesdays were the hardest days of the week for me. And I, I finally have a little bit of distance from that, and I understand why it's because trash day is on Tuesday, recycling is on Wednesday, on Tuesdays.
(03:58):
I'd need to complete pool maintenance time for them to come. The next day, the yard would need to be prepped for someone to come take care of the yard before the season changed. There were all of these tasks that Jeremy would do if he were here. And as soon as he left, I was resentful that on, on top of everything I was dealing with emotionally and mentally that I had to do all of the chores too. And yeah, so those days were just better for me to actually reach out and try to talk to people to have like chats in the DMS on Instagram, or to text my best friend or to call my mom or to connect with someone I hadn't talked to in months just to catch up. And over time it really helped. And now these chores are just ingrained in my weekly schedule and I don't really have a hard time with them, but it was those first few months that it just felt like a slap in the face.
(04:58):
And I, again, I can't help bring my, I type into this conversation, but as a four, I just, I hate the mundane tedious tasks. And I want things to feel like beautiful and meaningful and special. And so, you know, consistently doing the dishes when I'm the only one here or taking out the trash, or I don't know, like figuring out the pool situation, like those aren't things that I wanna spend my time doing, because they're, they're just like boring. And they, I don't know, they upset me that I even have to worry about them. Essentially. You may not even be a type four and you relate to that. It's, it's, <laugh>, it's like none of us wanna do these chores. I totally understand the none of us actually want to do these chores, but I will actually let that stop me from doing the chore.
(05:48):
I feel like a lot of other people they're like, oh, well, I don't wanna do it, but it has to be done. So I'm gonna do it right away. I'll be like, no, I don't wanna do it. So, and it has to be done. So I'm gonna put it off until the very last second or not do it at all and keep putting it off and keep putting it off and continue to procrastinate with it until finally the trash is overflowing and there's a sinkful of dishes, dishes for only one person who lives here. That's kind of hard to do <laugh> so those are the kinds of things that happened, but it was on those days, it was on like Mondays and Tuesdays where it was very like chore heavy days. That really, really helped me to reach out and connect with others. So if you're physically isolated during a deployment, you have to basically what you have to do, make those connection points, even more intentional.
(06:41):
I'm talking, putting this in your calendar setting reminders. And I can, I can imagine how this would feel like, oh, well, I don't wanna feel obligated to talk to people. It's not obligation to talk to people. It is reaching out and let letting people know, Hey, I'm gonna reach out to you at this time of the week, because it's really hard for me. And I need some extra support and it would be really helpful to either talk about what I'm struggling with or not talk about it at all. And talk about completely like something completely different to help me get through it. Like whatever works best for you. <Affirmative> but being intentional with that, and I know how hard that is and when I was in the pit and someone told me that very same thing, I rolled my eyes and you know what, I'm looking back on it now.
(07:29):
And I'm, I'm thinking to myself, wow, you really like made that last for as long as possible. And you weren't coping with, well, you were not coping well. And yeah. So when I offer this to you, I'm basically, I'm just, I'm hoping that you don't make my same mistake. So if you're physically isolated during a deployment, you may have to make these connection points even more intentional. If you do have for or family nearby, and you continue to isolate yourself during deployment, remember that it's only doing more harm than it is good, and you're not saving others from you. You're not what you're doing is you're not giving them the opportunity to support you through a challenging season. And you'd be surprised how many people are thinking about you and are actually wondering how, how you're doing and they wanna support you. But they're not sure how to ask you how they can support you, because they've either never been through a deployment before, or have no idea what military life truly is like.
(08:33):
Or I don't know, their, their empathy meter just isn't really turned up and maybe they have more of a leader going on. It's, there's a lot of things that could be at play there. But if you were to ask and to say like, this is what I need at this time of this week, is this something that you can help me with? At least you've asked, at least you've taken this step to secure support for yourself so that you can see more success in coping with isolation during a deployment. And finally, if you wanna be making new connections online with people during deployment, like, I don't need to tell you that social media can be a tool in that case, because it's totally true. There are literally Facebook groups, places, and people on Instagram that can connect with you. There's there's stuff available out there.
(09:30):
If you're willing to seek it out and to figure out what works best for you. And if you are looking to make new connections online, I hope you know, that I am always just a DM away. And I actually mean that <laugh>, I can't tell you how many people have DMed me throughout this deployment. Whether they start the conversation themselves, or I just send them a message, just checking in on them to see how're are doing. And it's helpful. I feel like it's helping, it's helping to talk to somebody who is currently going through the same thing. And we may be at different points on our deployment journey, and we may not be the same month or the same timeframe or whatever, but we have that shared experience of deployment. And I think it's so valuable. And so, so important to make you to making you feel less alone and less like you are the only one currently going through it as many.
(10:29):
So as many connections as you can make with other, other spouses with other military spouses who have deployed spouses, like it can only help. It can only help. I think there's a thing that happens too, where when we're in a position where we feel like we can help and support others, because we're not because we're above the line and we're not below the line and we're feeling a little bit more stable, a little bit more like we can manage our emotions and yes, everything still sucks and you want them to come home, but there is, there is a level of management that's happening there. You being that person for someone else is actually so gratifying. And so, so important to your own mental health. You it, while you're experiencing a deployment, I mean, there's a reason why this podcast exists.
(11:23):
It's not just so I can talk about myself. It's so that like you can feel supported on the other end in knowing that someone else is currently going through this and they want to see you in a better mental and state from what you're currently experiencing. And if I can help you move the needle even a little bit, I feel better. I feel like I am doing something that is significant of note. And that makes me feel like I am connecting to this military community. That for the first few years, after becoming a military spouse, I completely ignored and avoided. And it's not that way anymore. I'm here. I'm immersed. <Laugh> I'm with you all. I'm with this community's so if you need something, if you just need someone to be a sounding board for how things are going for you during deployment, I'm always a DM away.
(12:20):
And I truly do mean that. And please, please message me if you're having a hard day. If you don't hear back from me right away, just know that I'm coming, I'm coming. I will be there soon. Okay. Well, I think that's it for today. And next time tune in for more more episodes related to deployment. I have quite a few that I'm planning on releasing in the next month or so. Just so you know, timeline wise, like Jeremy's R and R begin is the first week of March. It's currently like the last week of January by the time this episode will roll out. So for at least the next month, it's gonna be an episode every week. And if you happen to be listening to this episode, you know, much later after it's released, like definitely check out to see what has been happening on the podcast since this whole deployment series is not necessarily put in order with number of episodes, it's just the topic that you maybe need some more support around.
(13:29):
So just keep that in mind, if you are enjoying this podcast, if are feeling like this is supportive to you, I would. So, so appreciate you rating and reviewing on on apple. I know I have a lot of people who are listening on Spotify, which is excellent, cuz I also listen on Spotify, but if you could hop over to apple and rate and review, that would be helpful because that means the algorithm gods or whoever they are. I don't know. They push the podcast in front of more people because it has been deemed quote unquote worthy. We're all playing a game here. I don't know. <Laugh> so yeah. All right. All right. Y'all I will see you next time and well, and take good care of yourself and ask for support. Bye.