How to Handle the Post-Holiday Blues During Deployment
How to Handle the Post-Holiday Blues During Deployment
Now that the holidays have passed, and we're a couple weeks into the New Year, those post-holiday blues may have found you. Personally, I'm feeling lonely again after having been surrounded by family for weeks on end, and coming home to an empty house. These are the times when the reality of deployment and being apart from your person feel disorienting, and painful to face.
I have one tip for you in this episode, and I hope it helps! ❤️
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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Late Career Army Milspouse + Mentor.
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Episode Transcription Below:
Jayla Rae (00:21):
Hey there and welcome back to the Heart of the Millspouse Podcast. I'm so glad to be back. It has been several weeks, first of all, since I have corded anything. And secondly, since any episodes have come out, so I'm glad you're here happy new year. I don't know if we can still say that though, because it's like January 14th, but I'm gonna wish you a happy new year anyways, feeling very behind <laugh> behind the times. So here's the thing. This episode was planned to be recorded and released much earlier, but I wanted to, basically, I wanted to check in with you right after the holidays had passed, because this is when amid to deployment. The blues tend to come back, you know, once you've returned home and the family isn't around anymore and you're all by your lonesome again, it can get tough once again.
Jayla Rae (01:23):
I'm currently experiencing that. So if you're out there, please continue listening. And if this isn't you, I'm still gonna provide some, I don't know, update on how the holidays went for me inside of this episode. So before we dive into like the one primary tip that I have for you, if you are where I currently am, and you are experiencing some post holiday blues I just wanna give you the low down on how the holidays went for me. So if you don't already know this about me, I'm a stepmom. My husband's kids live with their mom in a different state. And they're typically with us over Christmas and new years. In fact, we've been together for about six and a half years, and they've been with us for the last not counting this one, not counting this Christmas. So that would be for the last six Christmases.
Jayla Rae (02:20):
And I'm not joking like every single Christmas we have gotten them. So this was so weird this year to face the reality that, well, yes, I wanted to go and see them, but it was not gonna be the classic Christmas that we've always had because during me is in fact deployed. So I basically, <laugh> prepared for Christmas all by myself and, and went out there to see them for a solo visit. And I'm so glad that I did that, but I need you to know that that time leading up to it, I was stressing out to the max and I suddenly had a huge amount of empathy. First of all, for any male spouse who was trying to do the holidays while their spouse is deployed, but secondarily to single parents out there, because all I could think was this is what my mom did for me.
Jayla Rae (03:18):
Every year after my parents divorced, it all fell on her. And until she got a relationship with my stepdad, it was like, it was all on her. And I just, I couldn't help. But think of that the whole time I was preparing for Christmas alone <affirmative> so Jeremy did end up ordering like a couple last minute gifts to be delivered to the house before I left for the trip was, which was super helpful because up until that point, basically I had been doing all of it, even just the gift selection itself. This is something that he typically does every year and there just wasn't any time ACE for him to do it. And it, no time was left to order anything like I had to do all of the shopping in person, all of the wrapping, all of the preparations, you know, this doesn't even include getting the house ready for winter and then driving out to see them from Texas to Colorado, by myself, with, with the two, with the two weenie puffs in tow.
Jayla Rae (04:24):
So, well, I I'm sure you can imagine. I, I had an anxiety attack leading up to the week of Christmas. If you had one too, I feel for you, it was quite an outburst. I will say. My anxiety attacks are like crying and heavy breathing and being completely inconsolable and just sort of like my voice is raised, like it's, oh, it it's pretty bad. So anyway, major points to my husband for helping me through that conversation over video chat, I'm so grateful that I got to, I had a chance to express all of what I was feeling to him, cuz it wasn't just the stress of preparations. It was also that all of my, like not enough triggers were being activated and I could not balance my emotions anymore. They were just swinging from here to there and, and you know, part of it is, is fine that I was upset about.
Jayla Rae (05:27):
And of course I would be upset about it. And other parts of it, I was freaking out over really, really small things. And of course, when you have a lot of anxiety, it's hard to see things as they truly are. Your mind is literally playing tricks on you. But basically I just was so afraid that everything I had put together for them was not going to be enough and that I was just a substitute in that situation because obviously they want to be with their dad over Christmas time. And you know, I had concocted this whole story about how they didn't actually wanna see me. They were just gonna be disappointed that I was the one coming to see them. None of those things were actually true, obviously. Well I guess not obviously <laugh> as a stepparent, sometimes that may indeed be true, but <laugh> yeah, so a lot was going on and yeah, so I took the two day drive out to Colorado and the drive went well.
Jayla Rae (06:26):
I hit some snow, which I was really excited about. Driving conditions were fair, nothing too crazy happened. And then I was there with the kids for like four days or something, which was awesome. It was also really sad. <Laugh> really sad. And there were moments when the kids were opening their gifts that I thought I was just gonna burst into tears, cuz I was so sad that I was filming it and that Jeremy wasn't there to actually witness it. And I knew how sad it was going to make him to receive these videos and photos of his kids, opening gifts at Christmas and not physically being there to see it. So I had to kind of pull back a little bit. I was like, okay, now's not the time to be sad. Let's let them have their joy for these awesome gifts that they're getting.
Jayla Rae (07:19):
And then we can be sad afterward. <Laugh> so that's really hard for me to do, to put emotions on pause <laugh> but I think I did it pretty well. And there were times that we were, I was really sad with the kids and also just feeling a ton of exhaustion for all of the preparations leading to that point. I mean, we've spent a lot of downtime, just kind of hanging out on the couch, watching movies. I had started a Harry Potter marathon by myself at home and I wanted to finish it while I was there. Luckily half two of the four kids were super happy about that. The other two were like, Harry Potter's boring. And I was a like what? This is like a holiday. This is a classic holiday marathon. What in the world? How could you find Harry Potter boring? This spans generations.
Jayla Rae (08:09):
I'm not even a big Harry Potter fan. Like I'm not even one of those super fans, but you best believe that once fall comes around, I wanna be watching Harry Potter. I realize I had done none of it. It was like Christmas time is the time we're gonna watch all the Harry Potter movies. I just remembered that I haven't finished. I have not finished the marathon. So maybe I'll pop another one on, on the tube after I finished recording this anyways. So things went well with the kids and then I drove out to Utah to be with my family for Christmas. And unfortunately before I way before I even got there my sister and her fiance tested positive for COVID and I was like, what <laugh> I mean, the story I'm about to tell you is gonna probably sound really similar to what you experienced over the holidays because it feels like almost everybody got COVID over this holiday season in particular and I'm not gonna go into, you know, the science or behind that or anything like that.
Jayla Rae (09:13):
But I was so bummed knowing that I was going to Utah and I wasn't gonna be able to see my sister. I was so sad because this is a really important holiday for us. It was the first one without our stepdad. It was the first one without our grandma. They both passed away in 2021. And I, all I wanted was just to be with my family and to be openly grieving with them and to feel accepted in that, in that mode with them. So I was so sad headed to Utah and knowing that I wasn't gonna see my sister and my stepbrother and his wife came to town from LA and then she got sick and we were like, oh crap, is that COVID but we weren't really sure. So we were kind of quarantining for a few days just to be safe. Rapid test came back negative, but you know, we still weren't quite convinced.
Jayla Rae (10:13):
Then my stepsister's husband tested after a day after being with all of us, for our Christmas gathering and then I wasn't feeling well and neither was my mom. So then that led to us canceling more plans basically with the family, because we all wanted to be as safe as possible. And we knew that we had been exposed to it least whether or not we had it or got it. At least we knew we had been exposed. So yeah, my so Jeremy's birthday is the day after Christmas, bless his heart. He's like my favorite Capricorn ever. And also I just feel so badly for him every year. So leading up to Christmas, you know, he's faced with the reality that he not only has to spend Christmas in new year's alone, out there from hundreds and hundreds of miles away, but he also has to spend his birthday alone.
Jayla Rae (11:08):
And I was also trying to figure out ways to make him feel special on his birthday. And I'm sure this doesn't surprise you to know that none of his pack arrived in time. In fact, they all arrived weeks late. Like they just got there a few days ago. So I was so sad about that. So he had nothing to open on Christmas, nothing to open on his birthday. But the 29th is also my stepdad's birthday. And so me and my, of siblings and my mom had planned to do a dinner in his honor and to just to go somewhere that we knew that he would love, we were gonna go to the melting pot, but that proved to be difficult. So then we were gonna go to te and Yi, which we were all really excited about. But then, you know, coupled with the fact that someone had tested positive and then we weren't sure if the other person had COVID, we were like, okay, we can't do any of this.
Jayla Rae (12:05):
We shouldn't be in public. It was so disappointing. It was so disappointing. So we, we all gathered over zoom and we at least tried to do that session. That turned out to be really depressing. <Laugh> it was not as fun as I imagined it to be. And as someone who's on zoom and has been for years for work, I was like, oh, this is familiar to me. You know, this will be fine, but it turned out to just be really, really sad. So that was happening. And then somewhere in the midst of that, I was like, okay, I'm planning my drive back home. And I was trying to avoid being alone on new year's Eve because new year's is my favorite holiday. I do adore Christmas and the whole holiday season. And I love the month of November. That's like my favorite month of the year.
Jayla Rae (13:00):
But new year's is my favorite holiday and to combat not wanting to feel alone and super depressed about the fact that I would not get a kiss at midnight by my husband and that we couldn't celebrate the turnover of another year together. I was like, okay, I'm gonna do my halfway point in Fort Collins and Fort Collins, Colorado is where I got my masters and it's also where my best friend lives. So whether or not I was going to see her because of exposure and wanting to be safe, I was like, Hey, I'm gonna go to Fort Collins. And I'm at least gonna order food from my most special favorite place. It's called social. It's a craft cocktail place. They serve char cery some of the best char cery I've ever had in my life still. And I've had it all over the world and it is some of the best.
Jayla Rae (13:55):
It's also where me and Jeremy had our second date. I'm obsessed with this place. So I got super excited about, you know, staying somewhere and keeping to myself and keeping safe, but ordering food and making it feel like a new year's Eve date for myself. And then somewhere in it to that was when we weren't really feeling good. And we weren't really sure. And I, I can't even remember what day of the week new year's Eve was on. It was, it was like over a weekend, right? It was like a Friday or something. Yeah, it was on a Friday and then I'd also check the weather. So at some point I'm checking the weather and I realized this huge storm rolling through New Mexico and Colorado, which is my whole route home to Texas <laugh>. So I was like, oh, I guess I'm not going anywhere this weekend.
Jayla Rae (14:48):
I guess I'm not actually driving home this weekend, which means I'm also not doing new year's Eve where I really wanted to do new year's Eve. So this was just a cycle of lots of disappointments and things that didn't happen as we wanted them to. And I'm sure many of you listening to this can relate because I'm, I'm not the only one whose holiday plans were completely de Ash yet again by, by COVID and feeling the disappointment of all of that. So it was just, it was a lot. And on top of all that we're actively grieving the people that we have lost. And I am a I'm feeling lonely because I don't have Jeremy to help me process through any of that. So it was a really rough <laugh>. It was a really rough time. There was a lot of emotional labor that went into that and oh, okay.
Jayla Rae (15:41):
So moving on. So basically I stayed in Utah for an extra week. I had to go back to work the first week of January, much like everybody else. And what it, the, the good thing that came out of that was that by the time that happened, my sister was well past her quarantine day limit, cuz she tested positive way before I even got to Utah. And so I got to see her <laugh> and I got to spend some time with her. And if you're listening to this, I love you Kylie. And I'm so glad that I got to see you because I can't imagine a Christmas, especially this Christmas without you. So I'm glad that that happened. And then I also got to see my aunts who came over for a dinner and we played categories together, which, oh my gosh, shout out to categories for bringing in all of the energy and fun because I've been playing that since I was a kid and it had been years since I played it, but it was so fun.
Jayla Rae (16:41):
So fun to play that with my aunts. Again, it felt like a blast from the past <laugh> so anyway, yay. So some good things came out of all of that and I, it was a week long delay, but I, I just, I tried my best to make, to make the most of it and to do what I could to remain present and and excited to connect with people for a little bit longer. And, and it kind of helped too, because then I wasn't alone on new year's Eve. I was with my mom and we did exactly what we wanted to and we talked and we were grieving, but we were also just excited for the new year and sad about the new year, all of the things. But both of us weren't alone on new year's Eve because of that. So I think in the end I was always meant to stay an extra week.
Jayla Rae (17:38):
It just felt very disorienting at the time. So I'm recording this episode on Friday night, January 14th. And so this means that another week of work has passed. And I'm getting back into my own routines here at home. And what has also happened as a result of that is that I am feeling those post holiday blues. And what I mean by that is okay. The, of you're alone, once again, is, is settling in and it's been a little difficult to manage my emotions this week because of that. I actually think that I haven't been doing, I usually am such a proponent of like feeling you're surrounding all of this. And also my tendency, the past 10 days has actually been to suppress those feelings. And I'm just coming to you and being openly honest about that. I haven't been feeling things as deeply as norm, like as I normally would because I've sort of been protecting myself because I already so emotionally drained and exhausted from the holiday season that I don't think I can take anymore.
Jayla Rae (18:57):
I don't think I can take it if I were to actually feel the deep amount of loneliness that is currently happening inside of my body, inside of my mind inside of my heart and inside my effing house. So I'm not feeling it all the way through, but if you're there and you are feeling those post holiday blues and the reality of you being alone, once again is settling in. I just have one thing, one thing that might help you first, I would say to feel that and to not support press it, don't do what I'm doing. <Laugh> don't fo don't fo <laugh>, don't follow my example in that case, but there is one thing that you could do and something that really helped me this week, and that was to find an activity that makes you happy or brings you an UN amount of joy in order to like jolt gear system.
Jayla Rae (19:56):
So my activity this week, and I didn't even realize how much I needed it was to go to a Pilates class. I'm really hoping that I don't catch COVID after going to this Pilates class, I'm actually really concerned about it now. But anyway, I went to a P Pilates class and not the kind of Pilates that are on the floor, which I think I've done in the past where it's like combined with yoga or whatever yoga lots, or I don't remember what the term is <laugh>, but I did the actual Pilates where you strap yourself into this contraption and you do all these crazy moves. And it's a weird experience. I think I liked it. I don't know. I was trying to tell someone else. I was like, I think I liked it, but I'm not really sure it was new. It was different. And it was exactly what I needed because I've never done it before.
Jayla Rae (20:44):
And I, now I feel a sense of accomplishment that even if I'm not gonna go do Pilates every week, which you know, may have been the goal going in was to find a new exercise routine that would bring me joy in the new year. It's it was, it was less about it became less about that and more about the fact that I just tried something new and just feel really accomplished in having tried something new and being willing to suck at it and to look really silly and to look really stupid the first time around just having the willingness to do that. I'm so proud of myself. <Laugh> so it's possible that you could find something that it gives a really big shock to your system and puts you on a different path and literally kind of rewires your mental state. I don't know for what, for what it's worth, it might help you.
Jayla Rae (21:42):
And that doesn't mean that I am asking you to suppress your sadness. I, I want you to honor your sadness. I want you to think it for being with you because it's reminding you how much your partner means to you. It's reminding you how important it is that you have a relationship worth, feeling sad over like all of those things are so, so important. And the fact that this is a reality that we don't like that, oh my gosh, this deployment is still going strong. The holidays passed, I survived it, but here we are. We still feel in the same place. You're not in the same place. You're not actually in the same place. This is when bringing your time markers into the equation can be really, really helpful. And I've been thinking about recording just a different episode or producing something different that says, basically tells you why I abandoned a daily time tracker for this deployment or even a weekly time tracker.
Jayla Rae (22:48):
So maybe that's another conversation, but I will tell you that remembering and recalling how much time has actually passed once the holidays were over, was so helpful for my mental state. It was, and this may not be true for you, but it was the six month mark for us. So all of this was happening at the same time. So even if you're are only at the three month mark or the two month mark, you literal, you have like a literal time marker now because it's a new year, the holidays have passed. <Laugh> something is new <laugh>. So for what it's worth, that might be important for you to to keep in mind because I, you survived it, you did it alone and you did it well, despite what you may think and the thoughts that are swirling around in your head about how you could have done things differently, or you regret something, or you wish that you didn't have to do it in the first place and do the holidays alone, you did it, you survived it.
Jayla Rae (23:51):
You also survived the end of another year in a pandemic. Great job. I'm proud of you, that's it? <Laugh> that is it. So in terms of the direction in, for the heart of a mill spouse podcast and this deployment series I wanted to say that, I mean, it's still open for guests if you want to come on and have these conversations with me - oh, I think you can hear my dogs in the background. So sorry, if you go to jaylarae.com/guest, there is a guest submission form to fill out if you wanna join me on this podcast you don't need to be here to like promote anything or to have any end goal. It could literally just be a conversation that, you know, other military spouses would find helpful. If you're currently a experiencing a deployment, I would love to have you on the podcast too, because I think the more open and real conversations we have about what it's like while we are experiencing it is so important because you are extending that permission to other military spouses by way of those conversations.
Jayla Rae (25:04):
And you're hopeful strengthening their minds and their hearts going through it because it's a reminder that we are not doing this alone. We may feel alone most of the time, but there is someone out there in your shoes who is experiencing all of the same struggles and could use someone to talk to <laugh>. So if you wanna come on, you can head to jaylarae.Com/guest. I'll include that in the show notes too, so that you can just click over really quickly. And I am hoping to bring you more and more episodes this year. I think now is the time for me to branch off into a different topic other than deploy, but keep the deployment content coming strong for the remainder of this year long deployment. We have six months to go people we have quite some time that has passed and a lot more time to come. So stay tuned and I will see you over on Instagram at dot spouse and yeah, shoot me a DM. Let me know what you thought of this episode. If you think it was helpful. If you didn't think it was helpful, you can tell me that too. I am willing to hear it. All right. Bye y'all!