Shine Through the Struggle with Candus Griffin and Mary Monrose
If you haven’t noticed, we don’t hold anything back on this podcast! I’ll talk about the hard feelings of moving around the globe, the ups and downs of deployment, and the silver linings of every situation. Which is why I wanted to invite not one, but two, very authentic speakers to the podcast.
This week we’re talking to Candus Griffin and Mary Monroe, the masterminds behind the Shine Sis podcast. These ladies do not shy away from the rough realities of life, including how hard it is to maintain a flourishing career as a milspouse. But, the silver lining is, it can be done. You just have to put in a little more work than usual.
Candus Griffin is a Navy brat turned Air Force spouse. She works in TV and hosts/produces the Shine Sis podcast with her best friend Mary.
Mary Monrose is a mother of three, a Navy Spouse, a Paralegal, and a passionate advocate.
Check out this week's episode to hear all about Candus and Mary’s advocacy for modern milspouses.
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Candus Griffin
Candus was raised in Newport News, Va. She’s a Navy brat turned Air Force spouse who met my husband while attending the University of North Carolina. She is currently stationed at MacDill AFB, FL with her husband and two children. She has worked in TV for years. She also hosts and produces the Shine Sis podcast with her best friend Mary Monrose.
Mary Monrose
Mary is a mother of 3, a Navy Spouse, a Paralegal, and a passionate advocate. She enjoys spending time with her husband and kids, going on adventures, karaoke, and being a true Cowboys fan.
Find Mary and Candus in all the places:
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The Heart of a Milspouse Podcast is hosted by Jayla Rae Ardelean, Milspouse Mentor, Speaker, and Writer.
Grab your ♥️free♥️ resources here: jaylarae.com
Let's chat! @mil.spouse
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TRANSCRIPT: Shine Through the Struggle with Candus Griffin and Mary Monrose
[00:00:00] Jayla Rae: Alright, everyone. Welcome back to the Heart of a Mill Spouse podcast with Jay LaRay. I am joined by two special guests. This is the first time that I've had two people on the podcast at once, so kind of exciting.
[00:00:11] Jayla Rae: I am here with Candace and Mary. Candace. Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?
[00:00:17] Candus: Okay. So I am currently an Air Force spouse. We are stationed down here at McDill in Tampa. I met my husband while I was in school at unc, go Tar Hills. Gotta shout that out. we met in North Carolina though, but yeah, we moved around.
[00:00:31] Candus: So I currently work in tv. I met Mary while I was, my, my dad was stationed, we were in RE in Virginia, so me and Mary went to high school with each other and have, you know, basically been together, literally together. We, me and Mary are in a relationship. Okay guys, for real. Ever since then and, you know, we are currently doing our thing, you know, so, and it's funny that we, like I said, best friends since high school and we ended up both being military spouses, different [00:01:00] branches, but military spouses nonetheless.
[00:01:02] Jayla Rae: Yes. Funny how that works out. Yeah, Mary, go ahead.
[00:01:10] Mary: Okay. my name is Mary. I am currently stationed here in Hawaii, actually doing a geo batch tour with my husband. he who is stationed in Guam. I am a Navy Sub spouse. Shout out the submarine life. I have three kids. Let's see. I grew up born and raised in Virginia.
[00:01:31] Mary: passionate advocate and like you, Jayla. I was nominated for the 2023 base winner for military spouse of the year.
[00:01:42] Jayla Rae: Yay. Well, I'm really glad that you guys are here. and I guess let's just like launch into the m soy conversation cuz you just brought it up. But I, so I did not go as far in that campaign as Mary did, but what I really admired [00:02:00] about.
[00:02:00] Jayla Rae: Mary's, platform. And what she was hoping to use that campaign for, was this idea of empowering more and more military spouses. And then, I believe you also have a unique angle when it comes to, parenting children with specific needs as well. And I, I heard that from you too, and I just thought that that was so.
[00:02:23] Jayla Rae: We need more of that. We, we need more military spouses who speak to that because, I can imagine that changing up your environment like every so often and the unpredictability of military life is such a huge factor in your parenting and I just, I really admired everything you had to say for M soy. So that was mostly just praise, but we can move on now.
[00:02:50] Candus: I appreciate that. Thank you.
[00:02:51] Jayla Rae: Of course. but one thing I heard you say on your guys' podcast, was that you asked [00:03:00] this question, which was rife with imposter syndrome, was like, am I even on this level? Like, can I even do this? Is this even something that makes sense for me and where I'm at? And I wanted to let you know that I had the exact same questions.
[00:03:16] Jayla Rae: So I think it's super normal. and I think it goes back to kind of like new level, new devil type of, however you wanna like, put that into words. but I appreciated your honesty in that area. So is there anything you wanna share regarding imposter syndrome? Cuz I know that you didn't move on for the entirety of the campaign, but you made it so far, so I'd love to hear from you.
[00:03:42] Mary: Yeah I think. Honestly, the main thing when it comes to imposter syndrome is just getting outta your head and knowing that you deserve the same opportunities that's given to everyone else that you deserve to, you know, have a seat at the table,[00:04:00] and to know your worth. that's what it comes down to, just getting out your own way.
[00:04:04] Mary: And for me being nominated, you know, for m o and making it to, you know, as, as a branch finalist, I, I, that was one thing that I took away was like, I was in my own way in the beginning because I honestly was not going to submit my, in, accept the nomination. And had I, you know, I look back and it's like, man, if I hadn't have done that, I'd probably, you know, I wouldn't have made it that far.
[00:04:30] Mary: You know, I wouldn't never known, I wouldn't have been able to have the opportunities to be into the m o community now where it's so many networking opportunities in this place for growth. So I'm very appreciative of that.
[00:04:42] Jayla Rae: Well, and Candace, you're one of the people who nominated Mary, and I heard you say that, and one of the. Cool things that you mentioned is like, it's not just friends, nominating friends, y'all. It's a little more like, like sure, there might be some of that, but [00:05:00] it's. It's friends who back each other and who really believe in each other.
[00:05:04] Jayla Rae: And I heard you provide so much encouragement to Mary and it made me realize like, oh, these, these people have known each other for a very long time.
[00:05:15] Candus: Yeah, she's the best. I, yeah, I think going, going back to like her talking about imposter syndrome, what's interesting is one of the things I mentioned is you're not.
[00:05:27] Candus: You've been invited to the table at this point with the nomination. That's what it is. So don't focus on the fact of, you know, looking at what you lack or what you may not have in comparison to the next person. Somebody saw something in you, they saw you and said, Hey, you need to be seen. You need to be honored, and we're going to provide an opportunity for you.
[00:05:47] Candus: And so that, it's like that's the focus. That's the thing you have to focus on, is that, Sometimes people can see things in us that we can't see, you know, and we, a lot of times we downplay. The things that we bring to the [00:06:00] table, we downplay the abilities we have. Now, realizing that your strengths sometimes are things that are hard for other people.
[00:06:06] Candus: So when they see that they wanna honor that, they wanna bring light to that, and you have to walk in that when you have the opportunity and not be, you know, so in yourself that you deny yourself those, Experiences and those opportunities that open up many more doors for other things that you had no idea was even an opportunity at one point, you know?
[00:06:24] Candus: But all because you walked in that door. Now the, the possibilities are endless. So I think, and like she said, one of the things you brought up was as much as we preach to other women, cuz it's so easy sometimes I think for us to encourage other women to go out there and, and have, you know, to be motivated and have the courage.
[00:06:42] Candus: And then it's like sometimes when you're in that, you know that, that. Same fight. It's like, hmm, I see why people are scared. Like I'm a little nervous myself, and then you, you know, you, you back puddle. And it's like, no, no. We are focused on moving forward and creating different things for our lives, and it's like we have to practice what we preach.
[00:06:59] Candus: You know, we [00:07:00] have to, we can't just be out here saying stuff and not walking in it. So I was very proud of her when she decided to go ahead and be like, okay. I'm gonna do this.
[00:07:09] Jayla Rae: So it sounds like there was a little bit of deliberation where Mary was like, I'm not sure if I wanna do this or not. And it was more so
[00:07:17] Candus: just, just like honestly.
[00:07:19] Candus: at times I can be very on the introverted side and just, you know, letting other people, more people than I want know about me and having, you know, Encouraging people to vote for me and stuff. I'm like, that's not me. So it was really, I was really stepping outside of my comfort zone. And I think that was more so it, just, and then just not knowing what, what would come of it.
[00:07:47] Candus: And looking back now, like knowing that I didn't win branch. the branch winner for the Navy, I was in my feelings and having to process that. So it was just like, oh man, I, I don't wanna go through [00:08:00] this again. But I'm, I'm very humble and I'm grateful for the opportunity, so, yeah.
[00:08:06] Jayla Rae: And I hear you asking people to vote for you is so uncomfortable.
[00:08:13] Jayla Rae: It's, it is, it's so uncomfortable. I was so uncomfortable the entire time. And back to going, what, what you said Candace about, you know, we, we have to practice what we preach essentially. I, I had so many pep talks from friends during that time where I was like, I feel like I'm bothering people. I feel like it's like really self-centered and cocky to walk around and say, I need your vote.
[00:08:42] Jayla Rae: I need your vote. Look at me. I'm so awesome. And without those pep talks, I would've stayed in that mindset. But it was, it was a mindset shift from what I just described to, no, you, you do have a seat at this m oy table. Someone saw something in you [00:09:00] and you know, why not go for it. So that even if you don't make it on in the campaign, you know that you did everything that you could basically.
[00:09:12] Jayla Rae: and it, I mean, back to, you know, being an introvert, I'm kind of like an ambivert. I'm both, I don't, I'm not like an extreme extrovert or an extreme introvert. but I. I knew that about you based on how you interact on your podcast and how you interact on Instagram. I was like, she is such an introvert and she is going hard for this.
[00:09:36] Jayla Rae: She is doing this. And I was so proud too because I was like, I don't really. I don't really know these women. And at the same time, I was like, it's clear to me that she's really stepping out of her comfort zone and going for this. So it was amazing to watch.
[00:09:53] Mary: Thank you.
[00:09:55] Jayla Rae: She's like, oh my God, this is so uncomfortable.
[00:09:57] Jayla Rae: Please move on.[00:10:00]
[00:10:02] Jayla Rae: When will this end? When will this end? no, but thank you for talking about it. I hope to get like more people on this podcast to have this conversation because this is really like our. Grammys, I guess you could say. I don't know, some sort of awards show that we like know of. There isn't another one out there for military spouses specifically, like the Armed Forces Insurance, m Soy, that's, that's really it.
[00:10:29] Jayla Rae: And so once you know that and you put that into context and you begin voting for people that you believe in, asking for people to vote for you. It, the weight and the gravity of it, it's really easy to get like caught up in that a little bit. Yeah. And just think, you know, is this as serious as it feels to me?
[00:10:53] Jayla Rae: And probably not, but, but it is a really important opportunity, especially if you, you know, [00:11:00] make it on and, and join the community, attend the event, and, you know, it could open up all kinds of doors. So. I'm hoping that it does that for you guys. Same for you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it was, it was a trip.
[00:11:16] Jayla Rae: It was a trip. so speaking of like podcasts, I'd love to hear, well, I'd love you guys to tell my podcast audience who you are, what you're doing, and why you even created your podcast to begin with. Because I don't know if you've noticed, but. Because the community of military spouses can kind of feel like a bubble sometimes, or it can kind of feel really small, even though it's not, it's like a giant group of people.
[00:11:47] Jayla Rae: But when you're on Instagram in particular, it feels like a lot of military spouses have podcasts. Do you guys think that too, or am I just
[00:11:56] Candus: No, no. They, they do. They do. Yeah. For real. It's [00:12:00] like, oh, I did not know there was that many military spouses podcasts out here. Like, okay. imagining it?
[00:12:05] Jayla Rae: Yeah. Yeah. So what led you guys to, to start your own, even knowing that there are so many trials and tribulations, in this community?
[00:12:11] Candus: Like no, those seriously.
[00:12:14] Candus: It was, you know, honestly we were in a situation where both of us were, at the time, we weren't working, sorry, excuse me. We weren't working and we were just having like internal discussions about the frustrations of like, oh my goodness, you know, if, if we weren't. At the mercy of the military for, you know, for our respective branches.
[00:12:39] Candus: We would live here and we would have this job and we would be doing this. And you know, and so we, you know, when you're constantly venting and talking about what you would be doing if you weren't military spouse, and not that we're not appreciative of being military spouses and we respect our husband's careers and, you know, appreciate what they do.
[00:12:53] Candus: It was just like, man, where do I fit into this? Like, why, why can I not find my space here? And so, [00:13:00] We would have so many conversations, so many pep talks. And then it just kind of fell into us realizing how many other people have these same conversations within this community and have these battles. And hearing different women who were, you know, I, I listened to, and they'll talk about how they went in completely different fields than what they were interested in.
[00:13:20] Candus: All because they were following their husband. So let's say, you know, All of a sudden they decide, you know what? I'm just gonna work for the government because, you know, that's, that's the best, and, let me be very clear, there's nothing wrong with that because that is a very good career depending on what you're doing in the government.
[00:13:34] Candus: But it's just the fact that these are people who, that wasn't their aspirations. They just kind of fell into that because that was what was most convenient. As a military spouse who constantly moved. And so hearing, hearing those struggles, hearing certain people say that they completely gave up their careers because it was just too much.
[00:13:52] Candus: It just became a moment, I think for us to be like, you know what? Hey, we are going through this Now. We know where we want to be, and we're [00:14:00] very passionate about getting there. Why don't we take this and turn this into a podcast? Because where we can. Highlight some of the women who have done the things that we're trying to do, and not necessarily directly, but just the goal of how they went from, you know, dealing with the constant moving, dealing with, Maybe they're altering their careers and how they spent that into something of finding out what their passion was and following through with it.
[00:14:25] Candus: And I'm like, the more we highlight these women who are going through the same struggle, but who have done it, it will give encouragement to the women who are in the process of trying to get there. And where you can see like, you know what I, I can do this. I just gotta figure it out. We just gotta work a little bit harder, but we can make our dreams come true.
[00:14:40] Candus: It's just that we are put in certain situations that. It takes, it takes a little fight. Like if you, if you don't really want it, you're not, you're not going to be able to get it as a military spouse, to be honest with you. Just because you have so much in front of you that's thrown at you that you have to fight through.
[00:14:54] Candus: And so, I'm sorry, I, I know this is a long response. Go ahead and preach. Preach [00:15:00] going. We just, we just got to a place was like, you know, we need to take this to the next step. And that's, we were like, let's. T take this and just, you know, creates a way for us to get these stories out there for us to talk about our journey as well.
[00:15:14] Candus: Because a lot of times we hear about people's journey after they made it, right? Mm-hmm. And so you look at them and you're like, dang, they got that. They got that. They got that. But you don't actually hear the struggle of what it took to get there. If you go through from the beginning of our podcast till now, you will hear the struggle.
[00:15:31] Candus: You will hear, you know, the things that we went through to get to where we are. And so, We also wanted to kind of show that side of it as well. Like, y'all are going to take this journey with us cuz we don't have it figured out. We're trying to figure it out. So, you know, come along with us and take this journey with us.
[00:15:45] Candus: And so we, you know, whether that was like us reading different books and just feeding ourselves, learning about different programs and like I said, shining like the name of our podcast by the way is Sean Sys podcast. And that's the whole point of us shining light on the women who are out here [00:16:00] doing their thing, you know?
[00:16:00] Candus: And, Yeah, so I'm sorry. I'm gonna pass it along to you, Mary, cuz I, I
[00:16:04] Mary: I don't have anything else to add. So Yes, she was like, so let's do a podcast. And I was like, okay. And so here we are.
[00:16:11] Candus: Hey, you know what's funny about even with us doing the podcast? I think our first episode that we were y'all, this was pre-recorded and we were so nervous as if we were on live tv.
[00:16:23] Candus: I was literal. I was so nervous. Why are we so nervous? Like I was sweating and everything.
[00:16:27] Jayla Rae: It actually takes a lot of guts to hit the record button. It does. And you guys have been doing this for a while, so it probably doesn't feel like that anymore. Or maybe it still does depending on the topic, but, I don't feel that anymore, but definitely in the beginning it's like hit record, inhale.
[00:16:45] Jayla Rae: Oh, and then like, and then you just kind of freeze and you're like, oh shoot, let me start over. Right, right. Yes. Yeah. Well, I think we put pressure on ourselves too, especially in the beginning. We want to come across as, well maybe [00:17:00] you guys wanna come across as something different, but I, I wanted to come across as like articulate and like I was able to say, What was on my mind and exactly how I was feeling.
[00:17:10] Jayla Rae: cuz I wanna do to something similar with my podcast in that like, it's not about like the beginning and the end of the journey. It's like about all the in betweens and the, the struggles and, and the battles as you put it too. And it's like you can't. You can't capture that if you're not accurate and if you're not willing to take the additional step to try and be, I guess, articulate.
[00:17:38] Jayla Rae: I don't know. That's how I, that's how I looked at it. But I don't know if you guys,
[00:17:44] Candus: No. I mean, yeah, when you like listen to different podcasts and stuff, just to kind of get an idea of, you know, Especially like the more popular ones that kind of, you know, figure out where you would fit. And because you have some that are, they give a more natural feel where it's just no editing involved.
[00:17:59] Candus: It's just straight, [00:18:00] you know, and then you have other ones where it, it feels, it's, it's, it's scripted to a t and it's edited. Mm-hmm. You know, and then you compare that and you're like, okay, well where do we fit in? What is, what's gonna be our sound? You know? So there's so many thoughts of just trying to figure out yourself, I think, early on.
[00:18:15] Candus: And, I don't know. And then you, then you have, I mean for us, I don't know how it was for you, but I, at times I had this fear of who are we in the sense of. Who will listen. Like it's one thing if Oprah decided it, you know, she's like, you know, I'm gonna start my podcast. Everybody's about to download that podcast, right?
[00:18:34] Candus: Because Oprah has a lot to say that you will be willing to listen to. But it's like, for us it was just like, okay, how do we, how do we move? And I think that's why it was a big deal for us to explain to people, Hey, like we haven't figured it out. We are create we. You will see the journey. You will see the change throughout this whole process.
[00:18:50] Candus: So, yeah.
[00:18:54] Jayla Rae: Yeah. I think you bring up a good point too, like if we're talking about a celebrity starting a podcast, they already have [00:19:00] a huge built-in audience. Sure. They might need to determine which subsets of their audience is actually listening to the podcast, and they're gonna need to do their own metrics evaluation, but that shit is built in It is there?
[00:19:14] Jayla Rae: Mm-hmm. And so like the success of the podcast, Is not really what's on the line. Right. and I agree that like when, when people like us start a podcast and we're wondering. Who's gonna listen, you know, what's the growth rate like? What's an average growth rate that I should be shooting for? How do I find my sound?
[00:19:38] Jayla Rae: How do I figure out, you know, what kinds of, topics and content I want to cover? Like those kinds of questions. It's a hundred percent. Overwhelming to figure all of that out, just as like this small little entity and just these very normal people trying to start a creative [00:20:00] project.
[00:20:03] Candus: No, that's so true.
[00:20:05] Mary: I don't mean to like turn this over to you, like on your podcast, Jayla, but I've, I'm pretty sure that, you know, your listeners already know about you, but. Can we get to know you a little bit more? And how did you come about starting this podcast?
[00:20:21] Jayla Rae: Yeah, sure. which is, yeah, maybe I should say that more often.
[00:20:27] Jayla Rae: I, I've known that I wanted to do a podcast for at least seven years or so, maybe. Okay. Maybe more like five years. I was like, okay, this is something that I wanna do eventually. But I, I never knew what like the vehicle for it was going to be. I never knew how I was going to use it. I never knew who the audience would be.
[00:20:50] Jayla Rae: I just knew that like audio format as someone who also writes who, who's like a verbal processor. [00:21:00] This, this was gonna be my lane at some point. And in, what was that? 2021? my husband received orders for deployment and that was actually our first deployment as a couple. and I was like, oh, okay.
[00:21:15] Jayla Rae: This is it. I'm gonna record the deployment. Over the next 12 months and we're gonna record the journey and Whew. Yeah, going back on some of those episodes, I'm like, this is so raw. This is like, it's not cringey. I don't think it's cringey, but it is very raw. Some of those that I recorded cuz I was really deep.
[00:21:39] Jayla Rae: Yeah. I was really deep in it. And, It just, it just suddenly like clicked though. It just suddenly made sense. It was like, okay, we're going to start the podcast as an open-ended journey of deployment and what it's like to experience a deployment. And since then it's been a lot of other things. It's not just about deployment, obviously, we haven't even talked about it [00:22:00] yet.
[00:22:00] Jayla Rae: but that's kind of where, where it started for me. And it ended up only being 11 months and not 12. but I had, you know, guests come on and, and talk about their deployment journeys as well, recorded solo episodes. I tried to track at least every month, if not a couple times that month, and themes that I was currently going through that I thought would be beneficial for other military spouses who were also experiencing in deployment And.
[00:22:31] Jayla Rae: You know, I found like a small group of people. This is a very small podcast. especially I try not to get in my head with like comparisonitis and everything, but when I look at the growth since August, 2021, it is not a fast growing. Podcast by any means, but the people that I hear from who listen to this podcast mean everything because when they reach out and they say, Hey, I really appreciated this episode for X, Y, Z [00:23:00] reason, you're doing an awesome job with this.
[00:23:03] Jayla Rae: That's, you know, that's the little bit of, validation that I'm at least putting something out that some military spouse needs to hear. And even if it's only three, just kidding. It's not just three. But even if
[00:23:16] Candus: it's only, no, that's what matters the most though. That's what matters the most. Yeah, it does.
[00:23:19] Jayla Rae: Yeah. And I, I wanted it to be a space where we could openly and honestly talk about what it's like to do this and to not. Mm. To not have it feel, really like closed off or removed either. I think we've all met spouses who are like that, who aren't willing to share when they actually are going through a hard time.
[00:23:44] Jayla Rae: Mm-hmm. And that sometimes is of no fault of their own. They just can't get there. and there are some people who are like withholding and I'm like, why aren't we just sharing this? More often, why aren't we just saying this is a really shitty day for X, Y, z [00:24:00] reason? And all of the reasons go back to and point toward the military life experience.
[00:24:05] Jayla Rae: It's not other circumstances in your life. It is the circumstances that the military places you and your service member in. So why aren't we just calling that out and saying it when it's happening? So that was a very long-winded answer.
[00:24:20] Candus: I can't, I can't judge so.
[00:24:24] Jayla Rae: Yeah. Me and Candace are very long-winded.
[00:24:27] Jayla Rae: We're, we're the more like extroverted of the two. Mary's a little more introverted. I'm, I'm just like, la, la, la la
[00:24:33] Candus: You do not let Mary fool you.
[00:24:38] Jayla Rae: I'm sure. I'm sure she's very. I don't wanna say loud, but like louder about her opinions when she knows people more.
[00:24:50] Candus: That is true, but
[00:24:51] Jayla Rae: yes. Yeah. But thanks for giving me a chance to just kind of like recap, what it means to me to have this space and, yeah.
[00:24:59] Jayla Rae: I mean, I [00:25:00] know that we both, all three of us, sort of have this. Cornerstone, whether it's on our podcast or what we're doing on social media or other efforts that we're partaking in, to empower more military spouses. I would say my version of empowerment is, building more self-awareness and emotional honesty.
[00:25:20] Jayla Rae: How would you guys categorize what type of empowerment you're hoping to give to fellow military spouses?
[00:25:29] Candus: Well, for me, I think. Like, we kind of touched on it before, but the idea is that being part of the military lifestyle, I guess, takes away, takes a, takes a lot away from you, right. When it comes to power like it, it does like, matter of fact, we're right now we're.
[00:25:49] Candus: Figuring out, trying to figure out where we're gonna be moving to next year. Right. Have no clue. Most people, you plan to move, you're moving because of a job that you accepted. You know what I mean? You're moving to be [00:26:00] closer to family. Right now we're just like, all right guys, what are you gonna give us?
[00:26:03] Candus: Right. And being someone who I thank God, I currently work from home, but I can still be affected by potentially losing my job depending on where we get stationed. Right? So my point is like the power is, a lot of power is taken away from you. The idea that we try to bring to some of these spouses is how do you get some of that power back?
[00:26:24] Candus: And that's in terms of you taking charge of your life, recognizing that you can create that path for yourself, but trying to provide those tools and that that change in mindset that allows you to get there because. Like I told you before, if you, if it's so easy, it's so easy to kind of just fall into, okay, well this is what it's gonna be.
[00:26:46] Candus: All right, this is what I have to do. Okay. And then I feel like years go by and then you look up and you're like, oh my God. Like, what did I do? You know, did I take advantage of this time? Did I do these things? Do that, you know, whatever. You look back and you, I hate to say regret [00:27:00] some things, but our whole point is to try to.
[00:27:04] Candus: Allow the spouses to hear some of the, like I said, some of the journeys of other people, but also provide them with some tools and resources to take those next steps they need to take to really start pushing towards their passion and figuring out how they create their own space. Within the military life, instead of just allowing the military life to happen to you, make it work for you, find a way to make it work for you, because there are ways you just, you just gotta work for it.
[00:27:29] Candus: That's just the problem you get. It's, it's a lot of stuff you gotta dig through, you know? But you'll get there if you have that motivation to do that. Yeah.
[00:27:39] Mary: And just to add to that, just empowering what empowerment, means for me. For myself is just reminding others and myself that you know, you have your own identity outside of being a military spouse.
[00:27:55] Mary: Cuz I think a lot of times we get so wrapped up in, you know, oh yeah, my husband, [00:28:00] he's, you know, X, Y, and Z. Oh yeah, he does this. And there are, and there are some spouses who actually feel entitled. If we're being honest, feel entitled and, you know, wear their husband's drink on their sleeve as if they're out there in the field.
[00:28:16] Mary: Now, don't get me wrong, we as military spouses, you know, we, we do have a, you know, hard job at home. But getting outside of that and knowing that you had these dreams and goals before you became a military spouse and being able to continue to pursue those your own wants and needs outside of just being a military spouse.
[00:28:38] Jayla Rae: Yeah, I think the, the power imbalance that you both are speaking to and, and, getting that taken away from you, or control, however you wanna put that. It's so prevalent and it doesn't even matter if, I don't know if y'all have heard me talk about this before, but I'm a late-career male spouse, so I didn't meet my husband until he [00:29:00] was 10 years in.
[00:29:01] Jayla Rae: I had a master's degree. I was on my way to like do my own career, blah, blah, blah. Like you can guess what happens next and you know, all the transitions and pivots that, that had to happen. but then there's also like, you know, the other side of that coin where. A spouse has tracked the entire trajectory of their spouse's career and has been by their side for that entire length of time.
[00:29:27] Jayla Rae: and I think what is true for both scenarios and any kind of story in between is that power and control is not slowly stripped away. It is like it's yanked. And it feels like a rug, like being pulled out from under you. And trying to, describe that to friends and family who, you know, don't have any military experience.
[00:29:57] Jayla Rae: And you know, they, they wanna hear your story. They [00:30:00] wanna hear why things are so hard, because all they're saying is like the highlight reel and you're, you're trying to give them the behind the scenes. Like right now, for example, just moved to Rome, Italy. Very blessed to be here. It's an incredible opportunity.
[00:30:15] Jayla Rae: And also it doesn't feel like that every day. It does not feel like an opportunity every day. So anytime you try to like enter that behind-the-scenes type conversation and like, Hey, this is how it really is. I think I've been met with so much like toxic positivity and resistance in just saying what you both said, Candace and Mary like.
[00:30:40] Jayla Rae: Power and control is ripped away from you. You don't have it. So how do you create that space for yourself again, where you are taking it back and where you mm-hmm You feel more empowered and in control of your own life circumstances and it's, it's a huge [00:31:00] process. And it's not, it's never gonna be like an overnight thing, which is funny because the power and the control like was an overnight thing almost.
[00:31:09] Jayla Rae: It was like pH gone. But gaining it back and learning about yourself again and learning how to become fulfilled is just, I don't, I guess I just don't even know where to start with that. Cuz I've been in that process for like seven years now and it's still not, It's by no means over. It's not like, here's the five steps and then you've got it.
[00:31:33] Jayla Rae: It's, it's continual. So I think it just gets really messy. I don't know if any of that made sense.
[00:31:39] Candus: No, I think you said that perfectly because as I'm saying, listen, I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Like you are absolutely right in terms of how it, it, it is stripped away from you and it takes so much more time to build that back up.
[00:31:53] Candus: And I feel like. And even going back to what you were saying about the friends and family, like, I'm like, where did [00:32:00] this whole glamorous lifestyle for, for the military come from? That people just think, like, I have people who think that, oh, you know, oh, I'm not gonna say that they think that, you know, you're financially rich or something, but it's almost like.
[00:32:14] Candus: Do. Have you checked? Have you checked?
[00:32:18] Mary: Right? Oh, I've gotten, you're making more than me right now. You're making more than us. Okay, listen.
[00:32:26] Jayla Rae: Yeah, and I would say, I would say, I don't know that I can relate to that. Specifically, my husband has been on the officer track since the beginning of his career, and so I understand,
[00:32:35] Mary: oh,
[00:32:35] Mary: it's time to go Candace. It's time to go.
[00:32:37] Jayla Rae: I'm sorry. Understand. I understand the, the financial differences. yeah.
[00:32:44] Jayla Rae: Yeah. But I haven't, like, I haven't experienced that myself, but I'm always going to, advocate and say how messed up it is when a service member is barely making anything and then the spouse like can't work [00:33:00] because they do relocate frequently or are experiencing back-to-back deployments or back-to-back TDYs and it makes it impossible.
[00:33:06] Jayla Rae: And there's children and there's things to take care of. And so then like they're unemployed even though they could be. Employed. mm-hmm. So it's a whole, it's a whole system that we're talking about here that Yeah. Disadvantages more than advantages, I guess. and I. Shoot. I lost my train of thought.
[00:33:27] Jayla Rae: Someone, someone get me back.
[00:33:30] Candus: You're good. But that's what I was gonna say early on, like especially early on, like being young and I know when, when we were had to go down to being a one income family and my, I had just had my daughter, like it was tight. It was tight. Like we're in a much better position now cuz like I said, I'm working and he's been in for some time now, you know, so things are way better now.
[00:33:51] Candus: But early on, like both me and Mary are both. Similar to the spouses that you mentioned earlier who have been with our husbands since they, [00:34:00] enlisted. And so that journey, like I feel the struggle of young military members who first get in because it is, it's like I've, I've known families who were on food stamps.
[00:34:13] Candus: You know, when they're, as their, as their military member is serving and, and being deployed, and they have to, you know, they're relying on food stamps. And I understand that that's still a help, but it's just the fact that I'm like, dad, should they even be in a position where they qualify for that? You know what I'm saying?
[00:34:27] Mary: Like, to think about what their military members actually out there doing. Should they even be in that financial, group to even qualify for those type of benefits? Mainly meaning, I need to think, saying they need to be paid more. But, but yeah, so. I forgot where I was going with that. but I mean, no, but that's so real.
[00:34:44] Mary: Speaking of that, because not a lot of people, you know, the civilian, civilian world, they don't realize like food insecurity within the military is huge. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It is really huge and sometimes [00:35:00] it's. The service member wondering what people would think about them, that they don't go and get the help and the resources that they need to provide for their family.
[00:35:12] Mary: So, well,
[00:35:12] Jayla Rae: cause they're, we talked about more, yeah. They're under the same mindset too, of like, I'm doing everything for, everything in my power for this country, and yet I cannot bring dinner home right now. Mm-hmm. And, I mean, not to get like too deep into food insecurity, but I just wanna say that I love that it's a topic online more and more in the last year and it's so, it's, it's heart-wrenching.
[00:35:44] Jayla Rae: And also I love that more and more spouses are taking that platform and they're running with it and it's getting to. Like the highest levels of governments of like, this is a serious issue. Why is no one, why is no one addressing this? [00:36:00] So, and I, yeah, I don't remember how we got, how we got there either.
[00:36:03] Jayla Rae: Both. Both me and Candace were like, well, let's talk about this for a second. And then, yeah.
[00:36:10] Candus: Well, you know, and I know we started off just talking about that journey from having the power ripped away and then talking about the, how families and friends kind of view the military life. And we're like, that's not real.
[00:36:20] Jayla Rae: Oh, you, I know what it was. Yes. We were talking about highlight reels and you were like, I don't know why people have this vision of military life being so glamorous. Were right. And then we were like, oh yeah, yeah. Let's talk about what's behind the curtain of this, like glamor. Okay, so now we, we got it. We got it, we got it.
[00:36:37] Jayla Rae: But I think part of the reason why people think military life is so glamorous is because there are spouses out there who make it seem that way, cuz they're not willing to be honest about the struggles and just to be transparent when shit is blowing up and everything is wrong and like everything sucks.
[00:36:58] Jayla Rae: And maybe they're just like [00:37:00] living a more charmed version of military life or they're just not facing, they're just keeping themselves from facing that themselves of how hard it is. And so why would they do that for other people online, like to the people who are following them? I'm thinking of, I'm thinking of like, Bloggers, I think in particular, I think there are like so many more blog posts and really helpful resources and tips, and here's how to get yourself out of X, y, Z situation.
[00:37:31] Jayla Rae: If you find yourself in that. There's way more of that. But I do think there was this stigma surrounding military wives in particular. This was before, you know, The military finally started recognizing that there are male and non-binary spouses, which is a whole other thing anyway, but back when it was just like, I'm a military wife, and I started a blog like it just, It was so it, I don't know, cringey to me, cuz it was like, we get to move [00:38:00] here, we get to move there.
[00:38:01] Jayla Rae: And it's like you're not even gonna talk about the actual PCs and how it almost ripped your family apart or like how this was too much pressure to do after a deployment or how you didn't even wanna move to that place in the first place because you've never been there before and you hate it.
[00:38:19] Candus: Yes.
[00:38:19] Candus: That's real. Yeah. And you know, though, I think, I think so many, there's so many spouses who I believe feel like they have to kind of put on because of, sometimes because of their hu well, I'm, I'm referring right now to women and I guess I should open it up more, but I'm being more specific to women cuz that's my experience of the ones that I've interacted with, who their husbands have been in.
[00:38:42] Candus: Have certain ranks or certain positions, and they have, they feel like they, it's almost like being like the first lady, right? Mm-hmm. You, you have to smile, you have to look n nice and pretty at all times. You, you don't want any, anybody say anything bad cuz you don't want that to fall back on your husband.
[00:38:59] Candus: And I think [00:39:00] that mindset has, has kind of like contaminated the military a little bit because you, you will have a lot of people who don't wanna speak out because they don't know how it's gonna fall back. On their spouse, how's go, how their spouse is gonna be affected by that. If they're, if they're blogging about, you know, something that, let's say it dealt with their husband's job or something like that, right?
[00:39:23] Candus: Or, where they, they can come off as if they're criticizing the military. Some people aren't comfortable doing it and it's, it's sad that they. Feel that type of block where they can't do that, those things. But I feel like a lot of times it's, it is, there are a lot of situations where it is almost like a, a pageant show or something, you know, where you mm-hmm.
[00:39:44] Candus: You have to show the best of what's to offer instead of, like you said, it's showing the warts of the, of the military. You just, you just talk about the good things. Oh, no, no, no. We, we don't discuss that. Like, because you're trying to create a certain image for yourself. I guess [00:40:00] mainly for your spouse's sake.
[00:40:01] Candus: I think when, when certain people do that, but no, me and Mary are like, no, y'all need to hear it out. The good, the bad, the ugly. You will hear it all. Yes.
[00:40:11] Mary: I forewarn my husband like, look, listen, I may say some things just so you know, but he's at that point now. He was like, Okay.
[00:40:23] Jayla Rae: Well maybe that's part of the reason we started podcasts too, so that we can say the things and we were like, say all of the things.
[00:40:31] Jayla Rae: Yeah, we were like, if these podcasts never like, you know, blow up and become famous, that's fine too. Cuz we've probably said some stuff on them that maybe shouldn't be said or other spouses would be really judgmental of because they grew up in a different. Era, essentially. Mm-hmm. Where you did have to keep that really polished, perfected version because it, there is, I think Candace, you were kind of like, you were almost saying it, [00:41:00] of like an era of the military before it was.
[00:41:07] Jayla Rae: Putting your spouse at risk if you didn't keep that image going. Mm-hmm. In some way. Mm-hmm. And so I, I think you're right that that's kind of like, it's still here, it's still contaminating our space, as you said. but it's also important to recognize that like we are in a different era now and we are like, Post a couple more wars And so like this, there's stuff is changing.
[00:41:35] Jayla Rae: Stuff is changing. It is, yeah. And I don't know that I can really speak to like the changes overall. cuz I've only been doing this for seven years and so that's really not that long of time. But even in the last seven years I've observed some changes. and that, that also went back to like the kinds of groups.
[00:41:52] Jayla Rae: That I would get to know a little bit better. I'd be like, okay, those spouses aren't really my speed. They've been, doing this [00:42:00] for a really long time, but they're also not in my age group. And so that I. Became a barrier. I also have friends who are significantly older than me and it is not a barrier. So it just like, you know, it just totally depends.
[00:42:13] Jayla Rae: But once you find the type of spouse that you really connect with, you know, there's a lot of trial and error in the beginning and you, you get whiffs of that like old era mentality and you're like, oh, I'm not, I'm not in that. I can't do that. Right. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like everything's all right.
[00:42:33] Jayla Rae: I'm just not.
[00:42:35] Jayla Rae: Well, I appreciate you both, coming on today and just. Chatting about all the things. this was so cool to get to know you two better as well. And, I don't know, maybe, maybe something different will happen next year for M Soy. Mary, the Candace, you too.
[00:42:55] Jayla Rae: You never know. if it wasn't obvious already, everybody should go check out Candace and [00:43:00] Mary's podcast.
[00:43:00] Jayla Rae: Shine SIS. It's awesome. There's lots of great tools and resources there, really incredible conversations that they're hosting as well. And find them on the socials. Everything will be included in the show notes. And thanks for listening y'all. Thanks for having us. Thank you. Of course. Bye
[00:43:20]Candus: bye.