3 Milspouse Mindset Hacks for When Sh** Hits the Fan
It’s happening again. There are too many changes floating in the air--too much uncertainty, and you’re completely overwhelmed. Not only do you have to keep your head above water, but there are little ones counting on you and watching your every move, looking to you to be the strong one… and all you want to do is cry in a closet for a few moments. You think the best thing for everyone is just to turn the valve down and smile as though you’re fine. Perhaps a friend asked how you were really doing, and you even lied and said, “I’m overwhelmed but I’m okay.” You’re not okay. Life is just too much right now and asking for help feels like another task on your to-do list. You wouldn’t even know what you need help with anyway!
How do we get you out? How do we help you crawl back out from underneath the mountain to get you climbing again? Here are 3 mindset hacks for when sh** has hit the fan.
Feel through the emotions
Instead of shoving the emotions down for fear they are too big and bold for anyone to witness, feel through them. If it’s better for you to do this privately than with an audience of young watching eyes, take the time. Get alone time however you need to, and spend a few hours crying, punching your pillow, journaling or writing down every thought or emotion that’s waving through you, and do your very best to turn off the judgmental part of you. As soon as you let that part of you enter this equation, you will turn your emotions down and not have an authentic burst--which is the exact opposite of what you want! You want to get to a place where you are observing your emotions as they pass through, but you’re not assigning any meaning to them. You are simply feeling through everything.
Are emotions difficult for you to sess out and feel through in general? Don’t worry! This isn’t an activity to force. Use your alone time to reflect and journal your thoughts, or steal some deep self-care moments for you to come back to your center. Sometimes we don’t realize what it is we’re feeling because overwhelm has consumed everything. This is okay, too!
2. Come back to gratitude
Here’s the thing about “practicing” gratitude--it is just that: a practice. You’re not aiming for perfection, you’re just aiming to keep things in perspective so you can move forward, take action, and get unstuck from overwhelm. I’ll bet that even if your spouse is deployed and unreachable, your child is having a rough time in school, you have a difficult work commitment, or oh by the way, it’s time to prep for your next PCS… there is still a lot to be grateful for.
Try this:
I am grateful for x because it helped me do x today
Example: I am grateful for coffee because it helped me get through grocery shopping today.
This particular experience could have been a nightmare: your toddler was throwing a tantrum in front of a crowd of onlookers, you had to decide what to make for dinner amidst this distraction, you have a mountain of laundry waiting at home plus you have a few work tasks to finish up because you had a giant distraction during the day, too. But what got you through it? That cup of Starbucks--comfort in a cup. You took pleasure out of something small while feeling overwhelmed and wanted to fast forward. Aim to find gratitude in the simplest things... although it’s always great to be grateful for your toddler while they’re crying over dropped cheerios in the middle of a Target aisle at 5:30pm on a weeknight, while the store is busy with onlookers.
3. Prep time and ask for help
Above, I mentioned that for some, asking for help feels like another thing to tackle because it would require figuring out what someone else can do for you. I know how it feels--no one can do it like you can. You take on so much because it means more control over outcomes, but now you’re at the point where it’s too much to manage, but you keep insisting you can do it all. You’re not taking care of yourself in order to keep others afloat--your family, your friends, your coworkers. Nobody ever asks you if you need help with something because they’re so used to seeing you “handle it”. They assume you’ve got this, while you feel like you’re drowning.
Surprise someone and ask for help in getting something done. Would 3 hours to yourself mean more focused work? Would just 2 hours to get to the gym and take a shower by yourself feel so nice it feels dream-like just to think about? What could you accomplish in 1 hour without your kids? Reach out to a local friend and trade time. Perhaps she has kids, too, and if you could work out a system, it could mean wonders. And if you’re isolated with no friends or family nearby and feel like you’re drowning (first, I feel for you! You are doing so good and are a true hero!), is there a daycare service you can use? Is there a connection through your embassy for childcare? Can you outsource some of your housework in order to keep things clean and organized?
Find the thing you don’t need to do yourself and then raise your hand in order to get it. And if you’re not in the habit of asking for help, trying it once will feel uncomfortable, yes, but is vital to your survival. There’s probably another milspouse out there feeling just like you, and also unwilling to raise their hand (actually, this is a certainty). Seek that milspouse out. Offer an exchange so that both of you can have time to look forward to.
If none of these mindset hacks resonate with you, then you are probably the one who needs them the most! Processing your emotions without judgment, centering on gratitude, and preparing time for yourself are regular practices all milspouses should be in the habit of doing. Raising your hand doesn’t make you weak. Finding joy in the small things doesn’t mean things aren’t still hard. Prepping for a three-hour period in your week to get focused work done on a goal or project by having someone else watch your kids doesn’t mean you have cheated. These tactics have been systemically removed from our psyche when coming into adulthood, and reclaiming them as grown-ass adults is not only a practice and requires patience, but are vital if you ever want to get ahead and out of overwhelm.